Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
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Anonymous
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Has anyone successfully navigated or changed the well-known dynamic where visits with ILs are stifling, due to the whole “we expect our guests [or hosts] to give us full attention 24/7, and even reading a magazine is rude”? Our last visit with ILs over the holidays was painful—absolutely stifling—and it’s getting to the point where my kids are old enough to notice, want time to themselves, and are very uncomfortable when ILs are around.
ILs are able-bodied and have their full mental faculties. This has been a longstanding dynamic, it’s just now at a point where it’s not just DH and me noticing it, the kids are starting to dread their visits, too. They simply don’t want to sit around in a circle and “chat” all the time. They want to be able to move about the house (our own house!) freely, without getting accused of “disappearing” every time they dare to go to their rooms to play or read or relax for a bit. My oldest nearly snapped when they loudly asked “WHERE WERE YOU” for the 500th time, and she was simply in the bathroom. She’s getting to be the age where she doesn’t want to discuss that she was in the bathroom. We plan lots of activities, and DH and I run point between ILs and the kids to protect them from the constant observation and commentary. ILs being dreaded by my kids is basically ILs reaping what they sowed. I want the dynamic to change for the better, and I don’t want to distance ourselves from ILs, but it’s to the point where when we say we’re going to visit ILs or they are coming here, my kids are not into it, at all. Has anyone ever succceeded in trying to get people to chill out during visits and not expect 100% Together Time, constantly talking and staring? |
Anonymous
| Just don’t invite them. Tell them you’re going away for the time |
Anonymous
| Have your spouse candidly explain that their overbearing behavior is making the kids/family in general uncomfortable and that for visits to continue there need to be some changes. If he/she is unwilling to do this than just don’t visit/invite them as pp suggested. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thank you for the responses. DH is great about addressing things in the moment: “No, it’s fine for Caroline to go ride bikes with her friends; you’ll have plenty of time with her tonight and tomorrow.” “Yes, Jessica is going into the office today—I told you before we made plans for this visit that she can’t take off a lot of time.” “Mom, we’re all beat—we’re turning in early tonight.”
But if other posters think an official come to Jesus is for the best, I guess we’d rather try that than just shut them out. |
Anonymous
| I would just keep doing what you are doing, making boundries and keeping them. Some people just like to spend 100% time with family - I'm not one of them and that would drive me crazy, but I would just go about my business and let them deal. |
Anonymous
It’s good that your DH is proactive in the moment but since the behavior is clearly continuing and leading everyone to dread visits, agree that more of a come to Jesus chat is needed. Next time they suggest a visit your DH should say something along the lines of “Mom/Dad, we’d love to see you but our schedules are pretty busy and honestly the last visit was a little stressful for everyone with the constant guilt trips whenever the kids/wife had other things planned. We can definitely commit to doing x and y together for your visit, but need you to understand that we can’t all fully clear our schedules. If that’s going to be an issue it might be better to postpone.” |
Anonymous
Yes, your husband needs to have a talk in general. Be sure and figure out what you enjoy about time with them so you can throw that in and not make them feel attacked. I would have him practice what he will say to make sure it direct, but not hurtful. That is the first step. If you find that and reminders as needed are not enough, next step is hotels when you visit them and they visit you. |
Anonymous
| The way to handle it - and many, many of the IL issues that arise on this forum - is to do what you think is appropriate (in your case, doing other activities) and let the other people who don’t like it be upset. |
Anonymous
| I think another strategy you need is letting it go and not feeling bothered. They can think what they think and say what they say, but you are behaving appropriately, so whatever. It's a good life lesson for your kids. |
Anonymous
Sorry, but there is no way to have that conversation without them feeling attacked and hurt. |
Anonymous
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Your husband needs to tell them directly, and he needs to insist that because of this, visits will be less frequent.
My French grandmother was like this, but it wasn't a big deal because we only saw her once a year for a 2 hr visit, at most. She was a Grande Dame. We had a tea + cake visit, kids were expected to be seen and not heard (and sit quietly, not banging their uncomfortable pretty shoes on the Louis XV chair leg), and little fingers had to be curled while holding the teacup. That sort of thing. |
Anonymous
There is no easy answer, but you have to try to confront it. Yes, they may be hurt, but the alternative is, the resentment grows and the potentially the kids could lose it and tell them off or OP could. When you avoid too long and convince yourself it's no big deal things can heat up to the point of explosion and then needing a prolonged break. So you try to politely confront it. You try everything you can to avoid the eruption and then break. The next step is hotels which will offend them too, but things cannot continue the way they are. |
Anonymous
As someone who has been there done that, eventually you have enough other life stress that you have no patience for this BS and it boils over. Better to be proactive and try to nip in the bud. When it boils over you find just the thought of seeing them drives you nuts and you can't do it. |
Anonymous
| When the in laws visit, do they come for days or are they local and stop by for the afternoon? |
Anonymous
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DH has to be the one to point out that you are a busy house and you don’t spend time sitting around chatting for hours. Send the kids off to do homework, work on some chore, etc. Your ILs probably just don’t know what to do with themselves so they observe everything and comment just because. Keep them busy. DH should ask if there’s anything the usually do at home during the day that he can get for times you all are working, making dinner, on the phone etc. Offer to get puzzles, books, show them a route to walk, etc.
But honestly, there would be something fun about saying out loud “I love that you missed me, but I was really only in the bathroom!” |