Freshman DD with no friends. Help!
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Anonymous
| She is so miserable. We moved to a new area almost two years ago and DD really struggled the first year here in 8th grade. I figured high school would be so much better, but one semester in, and still no friends. DD played a fall sport, plays an instrument in the school band and is doing debate. She is an excellent student ( honors/AP classes with A’s). She has friends in Virginia (where we moved from) and she talks to them online daily. She is just so miserable, telling me she hates high school and that she can’t wait to go to college. She’s not being bullied. She does talk to kids at school, but eats lunch alone in a classroom and never hangs out with anyone outside of school. TBH the whole thing makes me so depressed. What else should we be doing? She’s definitely involved in activities. She’s on social media, but doesn’t message or interact online with anyone from school. Help! |
Anonymous
| I feel like you've posted about this before. But if you haven't, your DD needs to take some initiative and ask people for their phone numbers/instagram/Snapchat and start interacting with them. Invite people over, or to go to Starbucks, or eat lunch together. It sounds that she might be lacking the skills to make friendships and is being too passive waiting for friends to approach her. Have her try being proactive, and if that doesn't work, go from there and get input from teachers, a therapist, the guidance counselor, etc. |
Anonymous
| Does she actually like the kids and the school? |
Anonymous
| As hard as it is, she has to stop eating in the classroom. My DC's lunch time changes with the second semester, so if that's true for you, the end of this month will be a great time for her to start eating in the cafeteria again because everyone will be searching for a new group. |
Anonymous
| Just give it time. She’s doing all the right things. |
Anonymous
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It sounds to me like she is having trouble letting go of her old friends a little. Social makes it too easy to remain connected to them. That is normal, of course, but this is a situation where she will probably need to take risks and initiate. Life is not a movie where someone befriends the new kid immediately (and she’s not the new kid really anymore).
If she is depressed she may also be giving off don’t approach me vibes |
Anonymous
+1 I agree, just because she has good grades it doesn't mean she has good social skills. She needs to take some initiative to make friends! |
Anonymous
With my experience with my kids, I agree with this. Both of my kids started a different HS than their friends, so in 9th grade they didn't know a soul. At some point in the second semester of 9th grade, they knew some people "enough", but it wasn't until 10th grade when both my son had, and now my daughter have, found their group. And made very good friends. |
Anonymous
| I agree with the pp. It sounds like she has the skills and opportunities, but she wants her old friends so she's not really making an effort (and may be giving off a negative vibe to kids at her new school). |
Anonymous
Yup. Came here to say exactly this. Had a similar issue when we changed schools for my nephew. He was determined to make his new school experience as miserable as possible, so he clinged to his old friends and insisted till he was blue in the face that there was no one for him to befriend at his new school. Lo and behold, he's changed his tune this school year and made a completely new friend circle. It's your daughter. Not the school environment or the kids at the new school. Your daughter needs to open herself up, change her attitude and perspective and STOP clinging to her old friends. |
Anonymous
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Can she join clubs? At my kids Hs, many meet during lunch. They are also generally a much better way to actually meet people than classes or band. Especially if they are clubs that travel, do competitions, require kids to work in small groups, etc. try a few different ones as some are duds and it’s hard to know before you start.
I disagree with the advice about the cafeteria. I don’t think anyone meets people there and it’s such a miserable experience e. Unless she can go and spot someone she knows from band or sport — but my kids HS has like a thousand people so it’s really hard to find the couple people that you might be sort of friendly with. |
Anonymous
This! She has to make an effort herself. 100% guaranteed that the kids from the sport and band would welcome or at least be fine with her eating lunch with them. But, she needs to go and sit with them, if she’s hiding in the library those kids assume she doesn’t want to be with them. |
Anonymous
| I read these no-friends posts all the time because there are a lot of them (which is telling) and my kid is in the same boat. Invariably someone will suggest contacting the school counselor and therapy. I agree with giving it time. I think there are a lot of therapists on this board. |
Anonymous
| I moved at that age and it is hard to start over. Reassure her that it will take time, and suggest that she ask a new classmate to meet at the ice skating rink or wherever. If she goes to the cafeteria, now that she recognizes more people, she might be able to approach a group and sit down. You can rehearse with her what to say. “Hey, is this seat taken? Did you get all that math homework done?” |
Anonymous
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I think also baby steps, which you could help her with, if she's willing. Like pick a particular class with homework, and try to identify a couple kids that seem nice (not the most popular with tons of friends already) and then text them or discord or whatever kids use to see if they know what Ms. ... meant about assignment ..... From there, they can maybe start a conversation about the class, and then maybe that's a girl that when she sees in the cafeteria, she can sit with. I would stress to her that there are actually a TON of kids -- girls especially -- in this situation. My teen girl has friends (gets inviited to parties, at least) but still is suprisingly awkward -- doesn't really have anyone to sit with at lunch, etc. I think the combination of the pandemic, really enormous public high schools, kids who are heavily scheduled with a lot of commitments so no time to just hang out anyway, and most communications being electronic have all combined to make for a very atomized teen social experience. They all feel like "It's just me" when in reality, it's the majority of them.
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