My dad's 30-year neighbors on either side are moving, and he's not handling it well

[Anonymous]

I feel badly for my father - my mother died last year, and he still lives in the large house where I grew up. He has longtime neighbors on either side, close friends. Both of them are putting their houses on the market, either side of him, this spring, and he's completely depressed about it - he says he'll rarely see them again, he'll miss them, etc and also it's a sign of aging and change. Also these people are still coupled and making joint decisions about the new phase of his life and he's widowed in the house where he lived with his late wife.

I gently told him, well, you could always move too if you chose -- and he said no, he loves the house too much and would be sad to leave and wants to stay til he can't any longer. How do I cheer him up?

[Anonymous]

Maybe when the weather gets better you can help him throw an outdoor party for the new neighbors and other neighbors he likes.

I mention weather because of COVID. I wouldn’t do an indoor party especially with an old person.

[Anonymous]

While you can’t change the sadness that will accompany these losses, you can help ensure that he has things to look forward to —and other, regular sources of social interaction. You might not be able to cheer him up in the face of these losses and changes, but you can suggest and even facilitate activities that he might enjoy.

[Anonymous]

You can’t change what’s happening. Just continue to visit. Help him become acquainted with the new neighbors when the move in. Help him stay connected to those moving.

Introduce yourself to them too.

Our neighborhood has similarly situated widows/widowers and a lot find joy in meeting the new people and often children who move to the neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

I would start planting the seed about looking into long term retirement options like a CCRC. New neighbors are unlikely to be his age and unlikely to be more than a person who says "hi" now and then. Maybe he will be able to chat. They will be looking to be close friends with others in their stage of life, not someone who could become needy and overly dependent on them. I say this not to be rude, but because we saw this for ourselves. Mom loved being around younger people. They were all polite and friendly until she got more needy. Then they started quickly make an excuse to get away-especially once she wanted them on her emergency list and was getting them involved in her safety plan. They had kids and older parents of their own. I understood. My mom got much more demanding with us and it was clear she needed a life of her own otherwise she would suffocate us with her demands which got more and more hostile. It's not the old days where people had time for this sort of thing and elders didn't live as long. You need to think about everyone's wellbeing long term.

My point is, he needs a sustainable living situation where he can make friends eager to connect in the same stage of life. It will make him happier in the long run and will give your family more balance. otherwise you risk enabling his depression at the expense of your family.

[Anonymous]

How old is your father? Has he retired yet?

[Anonymous]

What does he do all day? Is he physically able and active? Doing nothing is the quickest way of getting old. He needs to keep himself busy and life meaningful.

[Anonymous]

What age is he? Many of these CCRCs that pp mentioned really do offer a lot in terms of being great places to live with supports right there. I can imagine a time is coming where your dad won’t want to deal with home maintenance and other issues. But he might not feel ready if he’s on the younger side of things. If he’s 75+, I’d explore it with him. If he’s closer to 60, it could be too soon.

[Anonymous]

When we (young couple with young children) moved into our home, one of our favorite neighbors became the senior widower on the street. We loved hearing his stories about how the neighborhood used to be, swapping gardening and home improvement advice, and just stopping to visit with him on his front porch if he was out. When he passed away, almost half the people in the church were neighbors from our street.

If your dad is capable of living alone, encourage him not to discount the "new people." They might become new friends.

If he's not caring for himself as well as he should, maybe hearing his old friends' stories about their new lives might encourage him to follow suit.