Am I being too uptight?

[Anonymous]

About every month or so, my ILs will text to say they are in the area and ask to stay for dinner. They did a similar thing today at 2pm and are going to be here any minute. I hate. It's the first day back to work after the holiday (which we spent plenty of time with them) and I just want to relax rather than entertaining them for the evening. I also think it's rude and entitled to just think they can invite themselves over for dinner when they feel like it. My spouse finds it annoying but also doesn't mind as much as do, and does the cooking, so I don't have as much ground to complain. Spouse thinks I'm too uptight, which may or may not be the case. My family was just never like this and I don't know if this is normal or not.

[Anonymous]

How far away do they live and why are they in the area? I don't see why spouse can't ask parents to let you guys know in advance when they know they will be in the area

[Anonymous]

You have valid reasons to be upset. I too would be put out, as you mentioned, today is the first day back to work after the holiday and it's a drag.

Next time they do this I'd reply that I won't be home until late for a friend social and let spouse entertain them.

[Anonymous]

I would find this annoying too, and my husband would be the same exact way, thinking it's not that big of a deal....especially monthly! I would make my husband do the cleaning/tidying up and order takeout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How far away do they live and why are they in the area? I don't see why spouse can't ask parents to let you guys know in advance when they know they will be in the area

They live an hour away but come to DC frequently for work and social engagements. This time they’re picking up something we got for SIL’s baby from a buy nothing group. They think giving us a few hours notice is letting us know in advance.

[Anonymous]

For the life of me I don't understand why spouse can't just tell their parents you need a day's notice.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old are your kids? Might not help you this week, but next time, can you/they be conveniently busy when they want to stop by?

[Anonymous]

That would drive me crazy. Your DH needs to tell them that sometimes it will work for your family and other times it won't so while they can call to ask, they can't count on a visit just by giving notice. Today, for example, he could and should have said that a visit won't work for you because you are all getting into the swing of the return to work and school. <-- (I know it's too late to say that since they are practically on your doorstep, but that should be the gist.)

The fact that he cooks is irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

This would annoy me too. Especially on a day like today, and after you've already spent a bunch of time with them recently.

A couple suggestions/alternatives that might make future visits more palatable:
1. Would your spouse agree to say no to every other request? Or every 3rd? Part of the problem is that they may think they have an open invitation and that's not comfortable for you.
2. Can you fully absent yourself while they are there EXCEPT for the eating part of dinner? Hide out in your room with a book or a show and say you've got a headache (or whatever) and are exhausted.
3. On other days when they visit (not today when you just want to be home w/your family), can you take this time as an opportunity to work late, grab an unexpected workout, meet a friend for a drink, go sit in a coffee shop by yourself, or have something else come up unexpectedly that keeps you away?
4. Can you send your husband out to dinner w/them and order takeout for you/kids?

[Anonymous]

You’re uptight. If you are free then appreciate that they want to spend time with you. I’d be delighted if my parents or ILs wanted to come by. If you aren’t free then politely decline and again, appreciate the thought that they want to spend time with you and their son.

We all need to stop being so difficult and and judgey about everything!

[Anonymous]

I feel like you should be able to skip out.

Practice telling your DH that it's a lot for you and you're just gonna eat after they leave and head to your room "to work."

Or send them to a restaurant.

When family lives in town not every single person has to be present at every single gathering, especially impromptu weekday gatherings.

[Anonymous]

“Not tonight, Mother Bickerson. Would an evening in March 2047 be convenient for you?”

[Anonymous]

I get that it bothers you, but it doesn’t seem to bother your DH that much and he’s handling the work. Your complaint seems to be that you have to entertain/be on all evening. I think you should be able to say you had a long day and excuse yourself from playing hostess after dinner and go to another room to chill. That seems more like a compromise than saying no outright. Sending them to a restaurant with DH like another poster suggested also sounds like a good idea.

They’re his parents, and if he’s doing the work, I don’t think once a month is a big ask.

[Anonymous]

I think you are being uptight, but I would feel comfortable joining them and DH for dinner but otherwise doing my own thing.

[Anonymous]

In tonight’s case I don’t think so and you could have said you were too tired from travel and first day back for dinner.