Not sure what the next steps should be

[Anonymous]

Man I wish there was an instruction manual for when parents start to age and experience progressive cognitive decline. My mom was the one who had a horrible reaction to the anesthesia during her knee surgery. Her short term memory is still shot but she’s (mostly) happy and is working so hard to try to find tools and tricks to help her maintain her independence. She’s still able to feed, dress and bathe herself and remembers to take her meds (we have alarms in place to help). But the day to day itself is starting to get hard for her and I need to make a decision on the next steps. She has started forgetting basic things like how to turn on a TV and change the channel or even how to use her cell phone to make calls (she just tells me these things are broken but in reality she just doesn’t recall how they work). It’s minute to minute and sometimes she’s successful but it’s apparent she could benefit from extra assistance that she can’t get in independent living.

But I don’t know whether to look for assisted living or memory care. She’s aware of everything still and just needs reminders at this point, but she’s been declining so fast since the surgery that I do feel that it’s just a matter of time before she will definitely need memory care. But I don’t think she needs it quite yet. I’d hate to have to move her (to assisted living) and then move her again (to memory care) but I think if I put her in memory care tomorrow that would be the end of her. And I think she has some time left.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. Has anyone been there, done that or have any other suggestions? This is harder than parenting a child.

[Anonymous]

How old is she? What does her doctor suggest?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're both going through this, OP. Can she get occupational therapy? Or a CNA to spend a few hours a day with her?

[Anonymous]

Can you find a place that has both types of care so it’s not a huge move? They should be able to help you assess what she needs. My limited experience with this is that once the first move happens often there is a swift decline. I’m sorry, this difficult to think about and to experience.

[Anonymous]

Find a facility that has both assisted living and memory care, so when she does need to move it will be very smooth.
The facility staff will do an assessment on her before she moves in for proper placement.

[Anonymous]

OP - it is not your burden. That this works perfectly.

This is a very fluid situation. Even if you truly believe you knew the decision that needed to be made, circumstances instead could make the decision for you. Who has space? How much do various options cost? I think start the conversation with a choice of places and see what clicks. It may take awhile. The best course of action will probably, eventually, present itself along the way.

[Anonymous]

Start looking at a community that has all levels of care to include memory care.

My own parent went from ICU, to step down recovery to transport to private facility for in-patient rehab. Moved one floor up later to skilled nursing. Remained in same room and received hospice care.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to different programs. Often assisted living will not provide the support she needs but the memory care situations really suck.

[Anonymous]

This is solely my point of view from experience with my own mother in her 80s until she passed at 90. We got a house big enough for her to have her own master BR area (it had two) and we cared for her ourselves until she got ill enough in the last year of her life, then we hired somebody to come in during the day while we worked. My siblings helped with everything as did our adult children. That worked best for us, your situation may require more or this may not be possible in your circumstances.

[Anonymous]

maybe you could try hiring an aide for a few hours every other day for a few months and reassess. Consistent support and a routine may help to stop the decline. If not, you’ll have a better idea of next steps- the aide can provide input about the specific areas she needs help.

I was in a similar place with a relative 3 months ago. Once we found someone who could come in 2 hours/day 3x a week things started to improve. Initially the help was primarily for bathing, dressing and a few things around the house. As the relative continued to heal from the knee injury and become more mobile the care shifted to include short walks and other tasks at home. My relative is much happier and looks forward to the aide coming even though they initially were resistant. We were able to find someone who had other clients nearby and was reasonably priced.