How to keep dysfunctional families from impoding with eldercare of highly difficult elder

[Anonymous]

Has anyone written this book? I've read plenty about dealing with difficult elders, but most assume the family is at least somewhat functional. Here is what I learned and sadly most of it is only possible when there is money to throw...

1.) If you disagree about level of need, hire a professional to regularly assess and report back. Then you don't have to deal with people gaslighting you and insisting all is well. If sibling disagrees with hired professional, get a second opinion as well, but let the professionals create a paper trail. Get a written report each time if possible.

2.) If the parent becomes abusive, keep stepping back and getting paid professionals involved in the care and oversight. Do your best to try to get parent to a residential facility. The socialization is so important. My difficult aunt shaped up when other residents refused to put up with the bad behavior she threw at her kids. It was also easier to make sure she took her meds.

For those who complain about the level of care at AL...
*some are better than others
*socialization is key to brain health
*you avoid abuse. The adult child can visit with witnesses. A hired caregiver cannot easily lash out in response to challenging parent because of witnesses and it's much easier for a burned out caregiver to turn things over to a colleague. Also, you be stuck lying on the floor for hours with a personal caregiver at your home too. My friend saw it on cameras. Burnout is real when the person is difficult. The person who is kind and grateful is easier to care for.


3.) If parent will not behave at residential and is about to get kicked out, hire a professional to assess, mediate and negotiate. Don't do it yourself.

4.) If the siblings have a dysfunctional relationship, have an outside paid executor and outside trustees-lawyer or accountant. It is worth the money from the estate to keep things from exploding into fights and potential lawsuits. Let the litigious family member take it up with the hired lawyer and not start suing a sibling.

It took a lot of heartache, personal illness, family stress and crazy antics to figure this out. It is worth not inheriting a dime to avoid all the conflict and know you have hired qualified people to take over.

[Anonymous]

OP, just saying ~ I was moved to write an actual, formal Thank You note to my siblings, when it was all done. When the 4 of us had made it through to the other side. Parents passed. Estate closed. Still talking civilly to each other. It's the greatest test of personal relationships.

[Anonymous]

My sibling has been fine so far, but one weird thing is that he had the power of attorney. That means that, if I want to pay a social worker or home care worker to look in on my father at the memory care facility and, say, bring him an extra blanket, I need to get written permission for that from my sibling. So, it’s important to lock in permission for a social worker or home care worker to visit your parent while things are calm.

[Anonymous]

My 93yo grandmother's estate is essentially being completely spent down from paying for good care at home for the last few years. She has dementia but also was abusive and an alcoholic and the 5 kids have varying degrees of relationship with her and each other.

My dad and his 4 siblings' relationship is much better for this.

[Anonymous]

I’m an Only child. People would often say “it must be so hard to not have siblings to share to load” when I was dealing with my elderly parents. And I would have to explain that I was grateful it was just me. I could make decisions without having to negotiate or coordinate with siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an Only child. People would often say “it must be so hard to not have siblings to share to load” when I was dealing with my elderly parents. And I would have to explain that I was grateful it was just me. I could make decisions without having to negotiate or coordinate with siblings.

+1
I had a brother growing up who died years ago, so I am taking care of my elderly mother by myself. When things are difficult, I sometimes wish I had someone to share the load. But in so many cases that I know of, it is often one sibling who does the brunt of the worlk while the others meddle and criticize. This occurs even in “functional “ families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an Only child. People would often say “it must be so hard to not have siblings to share to load” when I was dealing with my elderly parents. And I would have to explain that I was grateful it was just me. I could make decisions without having to negotiate or coordinate with siblings.

Yes, you are right to be grateful. We are dealing with this now with a controlling sibling and it's ripping the family apart and compromising the elder parent's care. I can't wait to be done so we never have to see the sibling again.

[Anonymous]

OP you are not alone and yes we could compile our stories into a book for sure.

[Anonymous]

I wonder what will happen to my horribly abusive parents when the time comes where they need care. I went no contact years ago. My golden child who can do no wrong brother is still in contact with them as far as I know (I am no contact with him as well). He, however, is not someone who takes care of other people. I am assuming his wife will be the one who steps up, but who knows.

[Anonymous]

I have one sibling, who is incredibly dysfunctional and also supported primarily by our parents. I am dreading the thought of having to manage their care with her. I almost never think about the prospect because it makes me want to puke. The best case scenario is I handle decisions on my own and she stays away. Knowing her, she’ll find a way to make it exponentially worse.

[Anonymous]

Dealing with my mother in her final years brought my brother and me much closer. Yes, we had occasional tensions (i'm the kid who lived near her and therefor did the bulk of the in-person stuff), but overall it ended up being really good for our relationship. In so many ways, we were the only people who really saw how bad things were with our mother, and we were both grieving. The improvement in that relationship has been the silver lining of an otherwise horrible, painful period.