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[quote=Anonymous]Has anyone written this book? I've read plenty about dealing with difficult elders, but most assume the family is at least somewhat functional. Here is what I learned and sadly most of it is only possible when there is money to throw...

1.) If you disagree about level of need, hire a professional to regularly assess and report back. Then you don't have to deal with people gaslighting you and insisting all is well. If sibling disagrees with hired professional, get a second opinion as well, but let the professionals create a paper trail. Get a written report each time if possible.

2.) If the parent becomes abusive, keep stepping back and getting paid professionals involved in the care and oversight. Do your best to try to get parent to a residential facility. The socialization is so important. My difficult aunt shaped up when other residents refused to put up with the bad behavior she threw at her kids. It was also easier to make sure she took her meds.

For those who complain about the level of care at AL...
  *some are better than others
  *socialization is key to brain health
  *you avoid abuse. The adult child can visit with witnesses. A hired caregiver cannot easily lash out in response to challenging parent because of witnesses and it's much easier for a burned out caregiver to turn things over to a colleague. Also, you be stuck lying on the floor for hours with a personal caregiver at your home too. My friend saw it on cameras. Burnout is real when the person is difficult. The person who is kind and grateful is easier to care for.

3.) If parent will not behave at residential and is about to get kicked out, hire a professional to assess, mediate and negotiate. Don't do it yourself.

4.) If the siblings have a dysfunctional relationship, have an outside paid executor and outside trustees-lawyer or accountant. It is worth the money from the estate to keep things from exploding into fights and potential lawsuits. Let the litigious family member take it up with the hired lawyer and not start suing a sibling.

It took a lot of heartache, personal illness, family stress and crazy antics to figure this out. It is worth not inheriting a dime to avoid all the conflict and know you have hired qualified people to take over.

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