Spouse with credit card debt due to compulsive shopping

[Anonymous]

My spouse is a compulsive shopper and hoarder. They are hiding their credit card bills from me so I don't know what their cc debt is, but at one point they were carrying a balance of about 15K. (I have my own credit card and do not carry a balance.) They pay household expenses. We have 2 kids in college. I help them with tuition etc. My spouse does not help at all with those expenses. Has anybody been able to work with their spouse to stop compulsive shopping? Our lower level is packed with purchases made over the years, almost all of it unopened. I am overwhelmed with it. I don't know what to do. I am exhausted looking at all this stuff and I have anxiety over what the debt on it could be. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Make an appointment with a therapist to help you figure out why you’re unable to confront your spouse and how to make a plan to move forward. You’re stuck and overwhelmed. You need a professional. Where are you located? If local, maybe someone can recommend someone that works with hoarders/compulsive shoppers. Spouse needs treatment—is likely trying to “medicate” undiagnosed anxiety and OCD. There’s likely trauma that has not been addressed.

[Anonymous]

Guess what it’s your debt too. Out her and cut up the cards. Get a plan to read it and now charge more.

[Anonymous]

In our marriage we have separate finances but full transparency and joint responsibility. What you’re describing is not workable. You have to confront your spouse about it, and I would enlist a couple’s therapist. See them first alone to describe the problem and come up with a plan to confront the spouse. The plan should include getting your own ducks in a row and deciding what you can and cannot tolerate and what you will do if the spouse does X, Y or Z.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make an appointment with a therapist to help you figure out why you’re unable to confront your spouse and how to make a plan to move forward. You’re stuck and overwhelmed. You need a professional. Where are you located? If local, maybe someone can recommend someone that works with hoarders/compulsive shoppers. Spouse needs treatment—is likely trying to “medicate” undiagnosed anxiety and OCD. There’s likely trauma that has not been addressed.

Thank you, yes I am local and would love a recommendation for someone that works with hoarding/compulsive shopping. I have recently confronted my spouse and they were extremely angry that I was "telling them what to do."

[Anonymous]

Are you financially dependent on your spouse? You say "they pay household expenses". What does that mean? Is your spouse paying mortgage, utilities, insurance? Is your spouse saving for retirement? Are you?

You say you help out with kids' college - are they your kids and your spouse's? Do you have your own income? Is your income going towards tuition and you guys are living off your spouse's income? Was that always the financial agreement between you and your spouse, or what was the plan?

How long has this state of affairs been going on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guess what it’s your debt too. Out her and cut up the cards. Get a plan to read it and now charge more.

Where did op say their spouse is a woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is a compulsive shopper and hoarder. They are hiding their credit card bills from me so I don't know what their cc debt is, but at one point they were carrying a balance of about 15K. (I have my own credit card and do not carry a balance.) They pay household expenses. We have 2 kids in college. I help them with tuition etc. My spouse does not help at all with those expenses. Has anybody been able to work with their spouse to stop compulsive shopping? Our lower level is packed with purchases made over the years, almost all of it unopened. I am overwhelmed with it. I don't know what to do. I am exhausted looking at all this stuff and I have anxiety over what the debt on it could be. Any advice?

Had a sister-in-law who had the same problem on a similar or greater scale. Lots of unopened packages. The couple had no children--ended in divorce after she inherited a substantial amount.

Two issues: shopping addiction & hoarding addiction.

Your spouse needs psychological counseling. Maybe you can google articles on these addictions and how to treat each one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you financially dependent on your spouse? You say "they pay household expenses". What does that mean? Is your spouse paying mortgage, utilities, insurance? Is your spouse saving for retirement? Are you?

You say you help out with kids' college - are they your kids and your spouse's? Do you have your own income? Is your income going towards tuition and you guys are living off your spouse's income? Was that always the financial agreement between you and your spouse, or what was the plan?

How long has this state of affairs been going on?

Spouse pays mortgage, I handle pretty much everything else such as utilities, home repairs. I would have preferred a joint account for joint expenses but spouse never agreed so everything held separately always. Spouse and I both employed, both saving for retirement. Kids are ours. I have saved for college since they were born as I could, spouse never thought it was important. This has been going on for over 20 years but lately the compulsive shopping has been worse. In addition, the attic, garage and basement are full of the purchases so running out of places to put the hoard. I had a shed built to create more storage due to the hoarding.

[Anonymous]

Are the purchases of any value where you could sell some it to recoup some money? Is any of it returnable?

[Anonymous]

You need a divorce asap.

Then get a therapist for them for hoarding and you for being codependent.

[Anonymous]

The deal breaker here is the unwillingness to admit there's a problem and then turning the blame back on you.

Honestly it sounds like the money isn't a huge deal since you kept everything separate and the mortgage payments probably balance out utilities and maintenance. The issue is hoarding, like others PP have pointed out, and you need professional help there. And probably medication. Watching various family members over the years, this is only going to get worse with age. Building the shed enabled the behavior. You need to figure out how much you're willing to take and then draw your line.

[Anonymous]

I would bet that your spouse (likely a female) is bipolar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guess what it’s your debt too. Out her and cut up the cards. Get a plan to read it and now charge more.

Where did op say their spouse is a woman?

Didn’t but it’s usually women who behave this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guess what it’s your debt too. Out her and cut up the cards. Get a plan to read it and now charge more.

Where did op say their spouse is a woman?

Didn’t but it’s usually women who behave this way.

Actually men are more likely to be hoarders.