To those who feel relief getting a break from a mean-spirited parent

[Anonymous]

Do you feel like you are just calmer and able to get more done? How has it affected you to get that space? I think for me it helps that I made it mom's choice. I set boundaries and she declared me dead.

For so many years my brain has been cluttered with self-hatred because no matter what I did it wasn't enough. All my flaws were magnified and my strengths discarded. I have been so hyper-vigilant for so long wondering when mom would cycle into her next rage fit. I spent so much money and time in therapy trying so many strategies and then suddenly when I took a break, I didn't need it anymore. I can host, clean my home, catch up where I am behind at work, keep my kids happy, enjoy time with my husband without venting about her latest anger episode. I can manage things without constantly feeling overwhelmed and full of self-doubt. I know I have many flaws, but I allow myself to be imperfect and I finally see myself as worthy. I no longer resent all the people she compared me to unfavorably. I simply wish them well because I know they didn't ask to be caught up in her manipulations. I also now see so clearly how she put people on pedestals and then knocks them down and she can't just see people as humans with many strengths and many flaws. I wish her well and I only want her to be happy. She is a much nicer person when she is happy. All these years I thought I had ADHD and anxiety. I just had mental clutter because I could not stop believing her every time she cycled into hating me. I couldn't predict it. I couldn't stop it and no matter how much emotional armor I had at some point her verbal stabbings penetrated and got to me.

I can now see her clearer. I have said this before on DCUM. I no longer see her as this powerful, wise mentor and authority. She is more like the great Oz-pretending to be all these things as she hides behind a facade and tries desperately to control everything. I see her as mentally ill and I have given up trying to get her to get help and stick with it because it's futile if she doesn't think she needs help.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to be clear I took a break after one of her rage episodes, then decided to set major boundaries. She refused boundaries and declared me dead. It was very stressful those first few weeks and then this amazing peace came over me and it has lasted.

[Anonymous]

Happy for you, happy for me. The "Oz" part, yes. My thing us "The Truman Show," which I relate to along with cult escapists. Love to you, OP. You deserve the best, and you are doing great.

[Anonymous]

I always saw my mother for what she was, but I tolerated her criticisms because I know it came from a place of mis-expressed love and deep-seated anxiety. But she kept crossing boundaries, and I cut her off when she started attacking my husband and toddler daughter. We renewed contact at one point, and she has since been a lot more circumspect! She's much more aware of what she can say and what she can't say, and is able to behave during a 2 week visit once a year on average. We don't risk anything longer, because why tempt fate!

So for me, no surprises really.

[Anonymous]

Wow, your mother sounds like my DH.

Congrats to you for setting clear boundaries and taking time away from her! Wishing a peaceful 2023 for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, your mother sounds like my DH.

Congrats to you for setting clear boundaries and taking time away from her! Wishing a peaceful 2023 for you.

I am sorry to hear you have a DH like that. Does he have any self-awareness or does he just blame you for his behavior?