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[quote=Anonymous]Do you feel like you are just calmer and able to get more done? How has it affected you to get that space? I think for me it helps that I made it mom's choice. I set boundaries and she declared me dead.

For so many years my brain has been cluttered with self-hatred because no matter what I did it wasn't enough. All my flaws were magnified and my strengths discarded.  I have been so hyper-vigilant for so long wondering when mom would cycle into her next rage fit. I spent so much money and time in therapy trying so many strategies and then suddenly when I took a break, I didn't need it anymore. I can host, clean my home, catch up where I am behind at work, keep my kids happy, enjoy time with my husband without venting about her latest anger episode. I can manage things without constantly feeling overwhelmed and full of self-doubt. I know I have many flaws, but I allow myself to be imperfect and I finally see myself as worthy. I no longer resent all the people she compared me to unfavorably. I simply wish them well because I know they didn't ask to be caught up in her manipulations. I also now see so clearly how she put people on pedestals and then knocks them down and she can't just see people as humans with many strengths and many flaws. I wish her well and I only want her to be happy. She is a much nicer person when she is happy. All these years I thought I had ADHD and anxiety. I just had mental clutter because I could not stop believing her every time she cycled into hating me. I couldn't predict it. I couldn't stop it and no matter how much emotional armor I had at some point her verbal stabbings penetrated and got to me.

I can now see her clearer. I have said this before on DCUM. I no longer see her as this powerful, wise mentor and authority. She is more like the great Oz-pretending to be all these things as she hides behind a facade and tries desperately to control everything. I see her as mentally ill and I have given up trying to get her to get help and stick with it because it's futile if she doesn't think she needs help.[/quote]

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