Family hated my dad

[Anonymous]

My mom’s sisters and their husbands all hated my dad. I get it. He was complicated and not likable in many ways. But because of this we were excluded from family gatherings with my grandparents. Fast forward, dad died and my mom is dying, they don’t include me on any holiday get together or even funerals. I didn’t pick my parents!

[Anonymous]

So tell them. Why are you complaining here? We can’t do anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So tell them. Why are you complaining here? We can’t do anything about it.

She cannot contact family and demand they invite her. It doesn't work that way. So, she is venting. Let her vent for goodness sake.

I'm sorry OP. They probably are afraid you will remind them of him or need comforting he is gone or they just are used to the gatherings they have. You can create your own family with friends. Many of us have families that aren't what we wish. I find it easier to just accept, vent now and then, but just know it's more common than I thought and I move forward.

[Anonymous]

That is difficult, but it really sounds like you are better off without them.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you reach out to them? You can invite them to your place for coffee/the big game/Sunday dinner. I get how hard that can be. My father was an abusive a$$hole. My mother from her family and friends. While I'd seen my maternal grandmother a handful of times (always in secret), I had never met any of my cousins and had never met my paternal grandparents. I still haven't met anyone on my paternal sides but reached out to maternal aunts/uncles/cousins and we have good relationships. It's not like the relationships my DH has with his aunts/uncles/cousins but good enough.

[Anonymous]

Now that your father is dead, why isn't your mom's family coming around - especially since she's dying? Do they know?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP {{hugs}} - some people are oblivious!!

[Anonymous]

I don’t think seeking comfort from people who aren’t kind to you is going to help you find peace. Either your dad was so bad they were willing to cut ties with a beloved sister/daughter and a child to get him out of their lives, or they’re so controlling they’d rather not have their sister/daughter and niece/granddaughter in their lives if they come with a husband/father they dislike. Either way, it’s going to be almost impossible to rebuild a healthy relationship with those people at this point in your life, and definitely not in time to help you through this crisis.

I’d recommend therapy, grief counseling, church if you’re religious (I’m not but religious but it’s an instant community if you find the right fit), and choosing your new family because the old one wasn’t there for you. It’s hard when you’re collateral damage in someone else’s fight. I’m really sorry you experienced that, and that your mother is sick, and for the loss of your father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So tell them. Why are you complaining here? We can’t do anything about it.

Stop being such a jerk PP.

If you cannot be nice - then get off this forum altogether.

[Anonymous]

Contrary to what a poster said, you can and you should reach out, and ask to be included. They might believe that after so many years, you would not be interested in family gatherings. They might feel awkward in reaching out. So contact them first and explain!