It’s hard to be the best parent I can be when I wasn’t always treated well

[Anonymous]

I’ve never hit my kids. I don’t yell at my kids very often. I don’t drink and drive. I don’t drink too much. I don’t lie or gaslight. When I make a mistake with my kids, I sincerely apologize, and I do my best not to make that same mistake again. I don’t parenting them, I don’t pit them against each other.

I’m not perfect. At all. It’s just hard sometimes, because it feels like I never had a parent holding themselves in check for me; my parents never apologized to me. They did all of the above to me.

It just feels like, it’s hard to always hold myself back from bad parenting behavior, because no one ever held back on me when I was just a kid. It’s hard. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Your self awareness and apologizing make a difference. You don't need to be perfect. You just need to be aware, to take care of yourself and to keep trying to improve. Therapy helps. I'm in the same boat.

[Anonymous]

I agree it's hard because when we have to react in the moment we often default to what we knew as a kid, from what our own parents did, which as you know can easily be the wrong thing. You are doing the right thing though, by being thoughtful about it and apologizing when appropriate.

I had a great mom but a pretty bad dad. Despite that my brother had three kids and I was amazed at what a great dad he was despite pretty much no good role model to speak of other than our mom.

[Anonymous]

I was neglected and abused by my parents and I am an attentive, loving mother. It is easy for me to be a good parent because I treat my kids the way I wish I'd been treated. When I mess up, I apologize. The worst thing for me is perfectionism and punishing myself for messing up.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to all of you, and thank you. It really helps to hear these kind words. Honestly, I was fearful of harshness from DCUM, and your kindness really means a lot. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never hit my kids. I don’t yell at my kids very often. I don’t drink and drive. I don’t drink too much. I don’t lie or gaslight. When I make a mistake with my kids, I sincerely apologize, and I do my best not to make that same mistake again. I don’t parenting them, I don’t pit them against each other.

I’m not perfect. At all. It’s just hard sometimes, because it feels like I never had a parent holding themselves in check for me; my parents never apologized to me. They did all of the above to me.

It just feels like, it’s hard to always hold myself back from bad parenting behavior, because no one ever held back on me when I was just a kid. It’s hard. Any advice?

That last line in the first parent should be “I don’t parentify them” —OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was neglected and abused by my parents and I am an attentive, loving mother. It is easy for me to be a good parent because I treat my kids the way I wish I'd been treated. When I mess up, I apologize. The worst thing for me is perfectionism and punishing myself for messing up.

This except it's not always easy to be the parent that I wanted because I, too, am still hurting, don't have a real life examples to work from and am still (at times) mourning the childhood I didn't have. I also struggle with perfectionism and don't always get it right the first time. IME, the best gift you can give yourself and your kids is to be present and honest and admit your own faults and mistakes as you expect the same of your kids. Hugs to you OP! Just know that you're not alone and many of us are working hard everyday to give our kids a better life than we had.

[Anonymous]

I agree it’s hard. It also makes me grieve my own childhood in ways I never did before having a kid because I just blocked out a lot of my childhood then. But now when I’m working hard to be the parent my kid needs (and mostly succeeding though yes, we’re all imperfect), I wind up thinking if all the times when my parents were at their worst with me, and all the stuff (affection, support) I didn’t get as a kid.

There is a therapy concept called “reparenting” that addresses this. I recommend it. The idea is to be the parent to yourself you needed but didn’t have. You’ve already started the process of you are breaking the chain of dysfunction with your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was neglected and abused by my parents and I am an attentive, loving mother. It is easy for me to be a good parent because I treat my kids the way I wish I'd been treated. When I mess up, I apologize. The worst thing for me is perfectionism and punishing myself for messing up.

This right here. And OP, please pat yourself on the back for breaking the dysfunctional cycle.

[Anonymous]

Listing all the bad things you DON'T do is not sufficient to define yourself as a good parent, OP. And people who have suffered a parenting extreme often turn to the other extreme: my mother was abused and neglected as a child, and smothered me in the most unhealthy way as a result.

I think being a good person - and by extension, a good parent - means continually working on one's self-awareness. Knowing what your triggers are, how you tend to respond, and managing those tendencies so you can be your best self are important. Knowing that sometimes your good impulses don't come from a good place at all, but from the path of least resistance, fear of retribution, or desire to please, is also important. Everyone needs work in that department.
And a good parent teaches their children how to develop self-awareness.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes an example of what not to do is as valuable as what to do. I had mostly absentee parents and am much more hands on with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was neglected and abused by my parents and I am an attentive, loving mother. It is easy for me to be a good parent because I treat my kids the way I wish I'd been treated. When I mess up, I apologize. The worst thing for me is perfectionism and punishing myself for messing up.

This except it's not always easy to be the parent that I wanted because I, too, am still hurting, don't have a real life examples to work from and am still (at times) mourning the childhood I didn't have. I also struggle with perfectionism and don't always get it right the first time. IME, the best gift you can give yourself and your kids is to be present and honest and admit your own faults and mistakes as you expect the same of your kids. Hugs to you OP! Just know that you're not alone and many of us are working hard everyday to give our kids a better life than we had.

That's what I do. I said it's easy because, while I don't always know the "right" thing to do, I know what *not* to do. I have never struck my kids and have never wanted to. I have had therapy and I have an amazing partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was neglected and abused by my parents and I am an attentive, loving mother. It is easy for me to be a good parent because I treat my kids the way I wish I'd been treated. When I mess up, I apologize. The worst thing for me is perfectionism and punishing myself for messing up.

+1 OP I think your thought “this is hard because I didn’t have a role model” is actually causing you pain. I get it because I’ve said that about marriage, but oddly not re parenting. But, that’s just a thought you don’t have to believe. If you think it again, you can say “this doesn’t serve me.” Or, alternatively, you add new thoughts you believe: “I’ve broken the cycle,” or “I’m a loving mom,” or “I’m a good mom” (because all of these are true from your op) you might have some relief.

Nobody is perfect. Nobody.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, try congratulating yourself every time you do hold back. Remind yourself you are doing so much better as a parent for your kids despite the lack of role models. Try doing something nice for yourself when you notice it’s hard to be the parent you want to be- in those times, it’s probably stressful at work or in other ways. So it’s a sign that you need to take it easy if parenting gets tougher. Go for a walk, have a bath, read a book, order take out instead. Come back when you are more relaxed. Do you have a spouse? Ask for support and a hug when you are feeling it’s more challenging to parent. Basically, make sure your emotional needs, which weren’t attended to by your parents, are being met by yourself, or someone else like your spouse. It will be easier to parent when your needs are met.

I had harsh, critical parents who used shame, guilt, and anger to parent us. They were also neglectful and not interested in our lives, beyond providing food and shelter. I have to make a huge effort not to be critical. Some days I succeed and others not so good. But overall, I know I’m doing a better job at parenting than what I received. Best wishes OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. The holidays bring up a lot of stuff from our past. For a long time, I didn't want to have children because was the only way I knew to stop the cycle of abuse.

After I had my kids, I was like you, very conscience to parent differently (better). I also realized as I was parenting my kids, I was also parenting myself and healing my inner child. I forgave my own parents through the journey of being a parent. And more importantly I forgave myself. I thought I should have protected my siblings because I was the oldest. Well I was only 5. Seeing my own kids puts my childhood in perspective. It's been an amazing journey hrowing ip and reclaiming my childhood alongside my kids. Wishing you love and light OP