Why Friends are more difficult than when my mom was young..

[Anonymous]

OK - I think I have figured out why it seems harder to "be friends / have friends" than when my mom was young. I base this, of course, on stories from my parents of our childhood and me and my sibs memories of childhood, but still....this popped into my head because my family is also very concious of driving a semi-SUV because we need the space for kids...
so - I think that when I was a child, it was easy for one parent to pile 5-6 kids in a car and take them somewhere...anywhere, so the other parents had a bit of a break for the day to run errands, do chores, etc. This was rotational. now we are mandated by carseats until 7 or 8...this precludes me from offering to take my friends kids to the pool or a park or something to give my friends a small break. I can't even take one of DS friends with me because then I have to leave DD home because I can only fit two car seats in my semi-SUV.... anyplace we go has to be very walkable for me to bring 4 - 5 kids OR everything has to be coordinated so each parent can drive their respective children and then meet up.


it is so much more difficult to plan time for playdates and "time for mommies" because of this...


I am not at ALL suggesting car seats are bad...just finally came to a conclusion about why it feels hard...gotta run...time to go get the wee ones!

[Anonymous]

I think there's also the issue of the lack of a sense of community in this modern age. Individuals and families pick-up and move more often for career/professional opportunities, so then don't stick around to nurture friendships.

[Anonymous]

I have more friends than my mom did, and a tighter sense of community. I think perhaps part of the "problem" is rose colored glasses. It takes a continual effort (although worth it) to be part of a community.

[Anonymous]

The way my Mom describes it....she couldn't make friends with the b**ches in her neighborhood because they looked down on her because she grew up poor. (BTW, I didn't grow up poor and I am in no way assuming all people who grow up wealthy are mean!) Growing up in that area....I am pretty sure she wasn't imagining that. She had one neighbor ask her not to pick up the children in my Dad's car because it embarassed them. So, she stopped carpooling with people. It's always been hard to make friends as an adult. Our culture changes but human nature does not. Once you have kids, you just don't need the friends like you used to so you have to really like the people you're hanging out with and they have to be accepting of your personal choices. I think we can tell by the discussions on this board that people are not all that way.

Your Mom is probably just really easy-going or very lucky in the people she has met. That said, while car seats are of course a great advancement, I do remember sitting backwards in a station wagon with several other kids all piled in!

[Anonymous]

OP here...and yes, my mom / neighborhood was very lucky...semi Cleaverish and the like...I have actually worked hard to become friendly with my neighbors and we are sort of tapped in...we are lucky that we live in a very broad-minded neighborhood. It really is very diverse...so, I think to myself, "what better place than to really step up and practice what I preach and offer help to other tired, frazzled mothers". Each time I do, it becomes this crazy drama to try to organize, time, coordinate and what was supposed to be an "easy gathering of kids for 1.5 hours in the back yard" becomes a choreographers nightmare...mostly because instead of giving other moms a break by taking their kids for a short period of time so they can shop / bathe / read / whatever, it winds up not being convenient for them to take that small break....for whatever reason. sometimes no convenient way to get the kids together (hence the car seat comment because I was one of six or seven kids in a station wagon) or snack time is coming and I don't have the right snacks, or naptime is coming or there might be a mosquito in the backyard or something....

anyways - it is nice to know that maybe I'm not the only one...and thanks for the vent.

[Anonymous]

I think OP has a good point about the car seats. I remember growing up, we'd all pile into one station wagon and go to the pumpkin patch or whatever. Now, it would take 3-4 cars and lots of coordinating with other parents to make that happen.

[Anonymous]

As sad as it sounds, I bought a minivan for this reason. I knew that I was going to drive this car for ten years or more, and eventually my children would have friends.
It actually now need it for work, and we have lots of family visit, and it's nice to go out in one car.

[Anonymous]

I think several things have factored into this. They aren't bad things, but I think they lead to alienation of families. I'm sure there are more, but a few things that come to mind....

One is the trend for women to work. Not that thats a bad thing of course, but it means that women are busier and generally aren't getting together with other SAHMs during the day and becoming family friends.

Another is the trend to work longer for everyone. Its hard to be social when Mom and Dad, or even just Dad, is working until 6 or 7 each night, and then commuting home. When the entire family is home by 5:30, there is a lot more time to do social activities.

Also, the moving around the country all the time. My friends who went to high school in this are still are good friends with their high school friends and families. Obviously, staying in one place helps you cultivate friends and have extended family in the area.

I also think theres more of a trend towards scheduling kids in activities versus letting them roam free. All that scheduled fun means a lot more traveling to places versus just doing things with friends and extended family. The private schools also hurt this sense of community I think. It used to be that you went to your neighborhood school with neighbors. Now you go all over the place for school and aren't seeing the same people at every activity.

[Anonymous]

OP here and WOW...even more points that play into my thoughts..
1. My mother did not go back to work until I was maybe 14...so I have wonderful memories of just "finding a mom" when I was little...mine, my friends, whomever...still friends with those moms now and they are close to 70!
2. the neighborhood school is another one...in fact, DH and I REALLY REALLY struggled with private school for JUST THIS reason. I very muchlike the idea of children walking to school, a neighbor "watching" them grow up (I don't mean that weird), and the like....feeling part of something bigger than them.
3. working more...absolutely! Both DH and I work outside the home and even my weekends feel scheduled, with something as small as "see you at teh park after naptime"...I feel guilty about it.

It is having an interesting impact on me, actually. The first couple of years I lived in the neighborhood I just griped (sort of keeping up with the Joneses) and I couldn't let mysel be happy because my hosue wasn't nice enough / big enough / groovy neighborhood, but after 3 years in my hood, I am less likely to move because it has taken me this long to get to know people. I have a small network of people I can rely on to borrow an egg (REALLY - I did last Saturday), a friend to babysit my kids for 2 hours so I can run an errand, people that know if my kids are somewhere they shouldn't be...so, slowly I am rebuilding a tiny part of what I loved about my own childhood...

[Anonymous]

no one lets their kids do anything alone today! No one walks to school or rides their bike anywhere like we did growing iup

[Anonymous]

PP here. I don't like this era of "playdates" and other things that are arranged by parents rather than the kids themselves. There is another current thread about birthday parties and how cake and hats were once sufficient but now people outsource the parties to places like gyms. I remember my first birthday party was at age six and parents dropped their children off and picked them up so my parents only had to entertain the children and not their parents as well. Easier to host a party if you are having just 10 kids rather than 10 kids plus their parents. Sigh.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I don't like this era of "playdates" and other things that are arranged by parents rather than the kids themselves. There is another current thread about birthday parties and how cake and hats were once sufficient but now people outsource the parties to places like gyms. I remember my first birthday party was at age six and parents dropped their children off and picked them up so my parents only had to entertain the children and not their parents as well. Easier to host a party if you are having just 10 kids rather than 10 kids plus their parents. Sigh.....

Well, its not reasonable for a toddler to arrange their own playdates. I don't plan on making playdates when my son is old enough to choose. Do people actually arrange playdates for their 2nd graders??

I agree, when should parents stop attending with their childern to parties? I would think that by the age of 4 or 5 the parents would stop coming and the host parent would arrange for some extra helping hands....

Sorry to take this in a new direction, but what I find odd, is that in my circle of extended friends (about 20-30 of us with yound toddlers) BOTH parents come to birthday parties, so now the kids 2nd b-day turns into a huge crowd. Normally when my DS is invited to a weekend party we leave dad at home. Dad's not offended and I'm not bothered. Normally I know the host mom, my DH hardly knows them, and I bring DS. I'm always so perplexed when both mom and dad are there. It seems to be the norm now in what I'm seeing. Now for my son's birthday, I have to plan on a minimum of 3 guests for each child I invite. So, if we invite 5 kids, there will be at least 15 people, not to mention our immediate family. It really turns into a circus fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I don't like this era of "playdates" and other things that are arranged by parents rather than the kids themselves. There is another current thread about birthday parties and how cake and hats were once sufficient but now people outsource the parties to places like gyms. I remember my first birthday party was at age six and parents dropped their children off and picked them up so my parents only had to entertain the children and not their parents as well. Easier to host a party if you are having just 10 kids rather than 10 kids plus their parents. Sigh.....

Well, its not reasonable for a toddler to arrange their own playdates. I don't plan on making playdates when my son is old enough to choose. Do people actually arrange playdates for their 2nd graders??

I agree, when should parents stop attending with their childern to parties? I would think that by the age of 4 or 5 the parents would stop coming and the host parent would arrange for some extra helping hands....

Sorry to take this in a new direction, but what I find odd, is that in my circle of extended friends (about 20-30 of us with yound toddlers) BOTH parents come to birthday parties, so now the kids 2nd b-day turns into a huge crowd. Normally when my DS is invited to a weekend party we leave dad at home. Dad's not offended and I'm not bothered. Normally I know the host mom, my DH hardly knows them, and I bring DS. I'm always so perplexed when both mom and dad are there. It seems to be the norm now in what I'm seeing. Now for my son's birthday, I have to plan on a minimum of 3 guests for each child I invite. So, if we invite 5 kids, there will be at least 15 people, not to mention our immediate family. It really turns into a circus fast.

I thought if people have birthday parties it's a celebration. With a 2 yo's birthday, it seems like a good opportunity to get to know the parents of other kids whom you normally wouldn't get a chance to speak with. I'm perplexed that only one parent should attend. For me, if I'm having a party, the more the merrier.

[Anonymous]

This is where outsourcing works for you. We are having a party at our house and there will be 20 adults and a bunch of small kids. My daughter will be 1. All of the adults are close friends and family....it just adds up! Anyway, we have it at home and when I have a party at home I provide "better" food for adults so it adds up in cost. Also, I tend to over-feed people.

A friend of mine had a joint party for her two kids at a place with all kinds of jumpy things and she doesn't pay for adults. So, she pays for the kids and then they give her a space to have a party and she buys pizza and soda, which I don't serve to adults at my house but totally would at a venue for kids. It ends up costing the same for many more people. When her older daughter had a party at Libby Lou, it was very expensive, so she was only allowed to invite 6 friends and they don't pay for the adults obviously. My sister is having a party at Build-a-Bear and it's $10/kid and then a party at the food court, so there you can order big pizzas from Sbarros. I think when you have it at home it can get just as expensive if not even more. I do agree that I'm all for both parents attending, although I understand what the PP was saying. I think it's nice for the kids to be around their friend's Parents and it's nice when couples want to come together. I think they're probably trying to be nice and it just ends up being expensive. Kind of like when you hope not everyone attends your wedding! You want them to be there, but you are kind of relieved when your Parent's work friends decide they have something else to go to!

[Anonymous]

My favorite (sarcasm) is when the siblings all come. Nothing like planning a party for a 5 yr old with a bunch of 2 and 3 yr olds running around goign crazy. It's double the cake, double the food, etc...It's incredibly rude. They can't play the games or do the craft. They tear the place apart and it's always been a disaster! Please - LEAVE THE SUBLINGS AT HOME.