Taking very elderly MIL with dementia to an unfamiliar, busy house on Christmas Day
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Anonymous
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MIL is 93 and has Alzheimer's and vascular dementia.
She's at the stage where she doesn't always remember who people are, or doesn't remember the connection between herself and her adult children or grandchildren. Also she sometimes asks where her own parents are and why her mother didn't come and visit that day. She talks about 'going home' a lot, even though she is at home, in her own house. My husband's sister and her DH (BIL) are going to spend Christmas Day at the house of BIL's relatives. There will be 12 or 14 people there, including 3 teens, and most of these people are quite loud. SIL and BIL have decided that they are taking MIL there. My DH thinks this is a bad idea. MIL doesn't really know BIL's relatives and she's never been to their house before. She also finds it hard to participate in conversations. She responds when you ask her a question but she doesn't hold or initiate real conversations anymore. Generally she's content but this event may be a little busy and loud for her. |
Anonymous
| Bad idea. |
Anonymous
| What are the alternatives? |
Anonymous
| She is going to ask constantly when she is going home. Can you bring her for the meal and take her home immediately after the meal? |
Anonymous
1. MIL + live-in caregiver to go to other SIL's (and child) house. 2. Other SIL and child to come to MIL's house. But other SIL wants to be alone with her child and have a quiet Christmas. 3. DH and I go to MIL's house. We can't stay there as live in caregiver stays in the guest room. So it would be a hotel. But DH also wants a quiet Christmas. 4. MIL stays at home and spends Christmas with her live-in caregiver. This year the 3 adult children wants to do their own thing, or at least something different from the usual family Christmas (meaning my DH's family). SIL1 wants MIL with her on Christmas Day so this is the reason why they are taking her to this house. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like only one of the siblings actually wants to spend Christmas with MIL. I don’t know that your husband gets to have a strong opinion about this in terms of telling other people what to do or not do since he wasn’t planning on spending Christmas with his mom anyway. |
Anonymous
MIL, SIL and BIL are going to BIL's relatives for a big meal on Christmas Day. There will be plenty of food. |
Anonymous
| I wouldn’t do it. You MIL won’t know it’s Christmas Day, so maybe have her the next day at a quiet house. The only reason to take her anywhere on Christmas Day is to let the caregiver have some time with family. |
Anonymous
| Don’t take her to the insane busy event. That’s just common sense. Do whatever is easiest amongst your choices, even if it’s just leaving her at home with her caretaker. She likely is not aware of the exact day of Christmas. Visit her soon. |
Anonymous
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Bad idea.
But if you go with it - Ask people to not ask her “do you remember me? and just ask them to introduce themselves to her - hi I’m xyz and speak slow and pause after questions |
Anonymous
My husband and I are not invited to the Christmas event as they are BIL's relatives. From my husband's immediate family it will be just his mother, his sister and her husband and their son going there. Husband's sister insisted on taking MIL. Of the 3 siblings she is the one most attached to MIL. |
Anonymous
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That sounds like great way for MIL to get COVID with no benefit to her. They aren’t even her relatives!
Go with a different plan. How far away are the siblings? Ideally they’d rapid test and then go to see her for half an hour or so. |
Anonymous
SIL1 and family 30-40 minutes depending on traffic. SIL2 and child around 30 minutes, maybe a longer depending on traffic. DH and I, between 1 hour 30 minutes and 2 hours depending on traffic. SIL1 really wants MIL with her. |
Anonymous
| My mom is 100 and is in a similar mental state to your MIL. My mom likes being around people and enjoys the good food I make. She likes being part of the party. She doesn’t say much and she gets tired. So what I do is have her for short periods of time - like 2 hours maximum so she can participate in the holiday and see her grandchildren when they are visiting from out of town. She doesn’t necessarily remember the event or always know who her grandchildren are. But she is happy in the moment and that’s good enough for me. |
Anonymous
| I know people worry about lonliness around the holidays, but you have to adjust what you do based on their needs. She may have enjoyed the commotion in her 70s, but now it I agree it is not going to be good for her. You you just do a visit on your own or facetime and visit her another day for a |