Taking very elderly MIL with dementia to an unfamiliar, busy house on Christmas Day

[Anonymous]

Sorry, posted by accident...


...for a ....quiet and calm visit? She isn't going to sink into a depression if she barely knows what is going on. Just show your love and stay connected without putting her in a stressful situation.

Does she sleep a lot? My grandmother would need to sleep all day to recover from a gathering like that and then she often got sick and took forever to recover. It lifted to her spirits to have quiet visits, but that sort of thing did her in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds like great way for MIL to get COVID with no benefit to her. They aren’t even her relatives!

Go with a different plan. How far away are the siblings? Ideally they’d rapid test and then go to see her for half an hour or so.

SIL1 and family 30-40 minutes depending on traffic.

SIL2 and child around 30 minutes, maybe a longer depending on traffic.

DH and I, between 1 hour 30 minutes and 2 hours depending on traffic.

SIL1 really wants MIL with her.

Ok no. She should not go to the huge holiday super spreader with relatives who aren’t even hers!

One sibling should visit Christmas Eve. Then one Christmas morning. Then one Christmas afternoon. Then another the day after.

I think you’re going to need to speak up and volunteer to go there on Christmas so that she’s not alone on Christmas and said that she doesn’t go to this large party. Unless you’re OK with her getting flu or Covid just to hang out with people who aren’t even her relatives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds like great way for MIL to get COVID with no benefit to her. They aren’t even her relatives!

Go with a different plan. How far away are the siblings? Ideally they’d rapid test and then go to see her for half an hour or so.

Um, I'm elderly myself -- late seventies and still in good health. Still, if I were in her situation, getting COVID in my 90s (and dying from it) would be preferable to continuing to live demented and helpless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know people worry about lonliness around the holidays, but you have to adjust what you do based on their needs. She may have enjoyed the commotion in her 70s, but now it I agree it is not going to be good for her. You you just do a visit on your own or facetime and visit her another day for a

I agree with what you're saying, but SIL1 insists on taking MIL with them to her husband's relatives.

For many years (10+ years) Christmas was all about my husband's family and MIL being with her adult children and grandchildren.
This year BIL (understandably) wants to spend Christmas with his own relatives for a change and I think SIL agreed to this but she still wants MIL to be with them on the day so that MIL can participate in the celebrations and the meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like only one of the siblings actually wants to spend Christmas with MIL. I don’t know that your husband gets to have a strong opinion about this in terms of telling other people what to do or not do since he wasn’t planning on spending Christmas with his mom anyway.

This. I’ve been there with my husband’s grandmother and it did not go well. But I don’t think any of you who want your “quiet Christmas” have room to weigh in!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like only one of the siblings actually wants to spend Christmas with MIL. I don’t know that your husband gets to have a strong opinion about this in terms of telling other people what to do or not do since he wasn’t planning on spending Christmas with his mom anyway.

This. I’ve been there with my husband’s grandmother and it did not go well. But I don’t think any of you who want your “quiet Christmas” have room to weigh in!

OP here. I stay out of it and I let my spouse and his siblings decide what is best for their mother. I once made the mistake of getting involved in a family matter concerning MIL and there was a huge fallout as a result of me 'daring' to express my own opinion.
I now keep my mouth shut.

My husband and his siblings have been caregivers to MIL for the past 11 years since she became a widow and I think they are getting burned out a little which is why they want a quiet Christmas at home.

[Anonymous]

Bad idea — unless she has a strong preference. I’d go with having her stay in her own familiar place — and people can visit singly or in small groups throughout the next few days. That way it won’t be overwhelming, and she gets to also spend time with people for special visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds like great way for MIL to get COVID with no benefit to her. They aren’t even her relatives!

Go with a different plan. How far away are the siblings? Ideally they’d rapid test and then go to see her for half an hour or so.

Um, I'm elderly myself -- late seventies and still in good health. Still, if I were in her situation, getting COVID in my 90s (and dying from it) would be preferable to continuing to live demented and helpless.

The thing is it might not kill her though. But it could make her dementia worse. Or cause other health issues. Which would make it much more expensive to care for her. My mother could walk on her own before COVID and only had one caregiver. COVID disabled her so much that she is now a two person assist. Plus, who is going to care for the mother if she gets COVID? The caregiver? The sister who took her to the party?

If the sister insists on taking her, I think you should insist in advance that she and her immediate family will move in and care for the mother if she gets COVID. The caregiver should not have to.

Going to this party is of zero benefit to the mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t do it. You MIL won’t know it’s Christmas Day, so maybe have her the next day at a quiet house. The only reason to take her anywhere on Christmas Day is to let the caregiver have some time with family.

OP here.
My MIL's live-in caregiver is going with MIL, SIL and BIL to this Christmas event. SIL wants caregiver to come too, in case MIL requires any assistance with bathroom visits, etc.

[Anonymous]

SIL and BIL have decided that they are taking MIL there

They will deal. They will deal with the consequences. Maybe it will go very badly. Then, people learn what not to do going forward. Op, it's appropriate to be concerned but this is not your decision and you have no burden here.

Btw, "I want to be 'Home'" means ... I want to be the way I use to be. According to a seminar I attended on dementia.

What would typically happen w/my elderly Mother is: she said she wanted to attend some event. All details were arranged. The day of she would be dressed and ready to go. And then she wouldn't go. Just wouldn't go.

[Anonymous]

SIL should just be prepared to take her mom home if her mom is in distress at the event. I’m not sure why you are posting - you can’t/won’t offer an opinion (understandably) and your husband isn’t interested in going to his mom’s house. He can’t really insist that his mom be alone on Christmas if his sister wants to have mom with her.

[Anonymous]

My aunt was in a similar state of dementia when we bought her for thanksgiving one year. It went badly. She kept thinking that she had been away from her home for weeks (instead of an hour) and that her son needed her to make dinner. I’d skip it if I were you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My aunt was in a similar state of dementia when we bought her for thanksgiving one year. It went badly. She kept thinking that she had been away from her home for weeks (instead of an hour) and that her son needed her to make dinner. I’d skip it if I were you.

OP again. MIL sometimes thinks she has been away from home when she is at home, in her own (and only) house.

I don't know how she will respond when she's at someone else's house, with people she doesn't know, multiple conversations going on at the same time.
SIL and BIL will be there, and her caregiver so they will need to deal.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you and your husband need to just drop it. Siblings that have no interest in spending time with their mom on a holiday don’t get to dictate how the one sibling that does want to spend time with her chooses to do so.

I mean, of course, I think this is an objectively dumb idea. But SIL will deal with it. She is bringing the caregiver, which means she is at least trying to set this up for success. Just let it go. Even if it doesn’t go well, it sounds like MIL won’t remember what happens. So what is the big deal? You won’t be there.

[Anonymous]

How did it go, OP?