Why are playdates so challenging in private school?

[Anonymous]

My son is in first grade, we have been at this school for 2 years. When we started at this school we didn't know any other families there.

In the entire two years we've been at this private school, we have received zero playdate invitations (but several birthday party invitations). I have hosted many playdates at our house last year and this year and invited many parents to meet up at parks, etc. I even planned an informal all-class meetup and half the class attended.

My son has 5 friends in his class but it seems they will only be school friends because none of the other parents seem interested in setting up playdates. They will happily drop off their child at our house if we set up a playdate but there has been no reciprocation and no one has invited us to do anything. I know these other kids really like my kid because their moms will tell me how excited the kid is to be coming over for a playdate, etc. but I am perplexed why we have not been invited to do anything in the two years we've been at the school.

I also went to private school when I was growing up, and every weekend I was at a classmate's house or they were at my house. There was always reciprocation, even though we all lived at least 30 minutes away from each other. My mother always said how important reciprocation was: if they invite you, you invite them.

This is giving me a really negative feeling about my son's school experience and I feel like we will never be accepted there. I know from social media that others in the class are having playdates and no one invites us, and I know that some families are going on vacation together (they post photos on social media). I feel like for some reason we don't fit in. I guess at this point I wonder if this is the right school for us or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is in first grade, we have been at this school for 2 years. When we started at this school we didn't know any other families there.

In the entire two years we've been at this private school, we have received zero playdate invitations (but several birthday party invitations). I have hosted many playdates at our house last year and this year and invited many parents to meet up at parks, etc. I even planned an informal all-class meetup and half the class attended.

My son has 5 friends in his class but it seems they will only be school friends because none of the other parents seem interested in setting up playdates. They will happily drop off their child at our house if we set up a playdate but there has been no reciprocation and no one has invited us to do anything. I know these other kids really like my kid because their moms will tell me how excited the kid is to be coming over for a playdate, etc. but I am perplexed why we have not been invited to do anything in the two years we've been at the school.

I also went to private school when I was growing up, and every weekend I was at a classmate's house or they were at my house. There was always reciprocation, even though we all lived at least 30 minutes away from each other. My mother always said how important reciprocation was: if they invite you, you invite them.

This is giving me a really negative feeling about my son's school experience and I feel like we will never be accepted there. I know from social media that others in the class are having playdates and no one invites us, and I know that some families are going on vacation together (they post photos on social media). I feel like for some reason we don't fit in. I guess at this point I wonder if this is the right school for us or not.

OP, not many families were doing playdates the last two years with covid. Why are you counting the number of your kid's friends? IME I don't ask for playdates unless I'm interested in spending time with the other parent.

[Anonymous]

OP, we had a similar experience at our old school. I can't say that I really know why we felt that so many people didn't reciprocate. I worried it was my kid, maybe my husband, me, our house, our jobs, but ultimately, we are fairly normal and live in a convenient neighborhood, do I don't really know.

We ended up moving schools, and things are still new, but I think i have a different mentality now, and feel less consumed by playdate reciprocation. I remind myself that the focus must be on my kids being happy, and I can't spend time worrying about why social dynamics are they way there are

I realize this isn't super helpful, but it's my attempt to say that you're not alone, I get that it's a sucky feeling, and I hope it gets better.

[Anonymous]

While I am grateful my kids have friends, I don’t set up a lot of play dates. I am happy to host on occasion but find the logistics of picking up a kid eats up a lot of time on the weekends and I don’t like kids leaving school with one another as it feels exclusionary. Not to mention, I like the time we have as a family after school for snacks, homework, dinner prep etc., and my kids each have a practice they do once a week. I have 3 kids so they hang out together and I am sure that colors my view too. Also, my kids have to walk the dog, set the table and in general need some time to reboot after school. They do have kids they play with on our street who go to a mix of schools (including my kid’s) and that is great because they can run out for 30 minutes if they end up with downtime but in general I don’t do school play dates (or video games, lol) on weekdays once my kids start full day school (was different when they were in half day nursery). My littlest has a best friend that lives farther away and we will do play dates but probably not more every couple of weeks. For the most part, I am trying to make my kids’ schedules work in our family’s schedule and don’t have a ton of time to organize play dates.

I wouldn’t take it personally. I am sure there are others out there who feel like I do.

[Anonymous]

I think this is something of a boy thing too. I have a second grade son who never does play dates but has a ton of friends at his small, private school. The girl moms appear much more organized and we have reached the age of single gender play dates/ parties. I’m envious of the girl moms as they get built in social time.

My son doesn’t ask for play dates either. He’s happy at home playing with his siblings.

Also, most kids in his class have duel working parents. After school play dates aren’t really a thing.

[Anonymous]

I totally feel you and am somewhat in the same situation with a girl. I would like some play dates outside of school to foster her relationships with classmates, as my DD is shyer in a crowd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is in first grade, we have been at this school for 2 years. When we started at this school we didn't know any other families there.

In the entire two years we've been at this private school, we have received zero playdate invitations (but several birthday party invitations). I have hosted many playdates at our house last year and this year and invited many parents to meet up at parks, etc. I even planned an informal all-class meetup and half the class attended.

My son has 5 friends in his class but it seems they will only be school friends because none of the other parents seem interested in setting up playdates. They will happily drop off their child at our house if we set up a playdate but there has been no reciprocation and no one has invited us to do anything. I know these other kids really like my kid because their moms will tell me how excited the kid is to be coming over for a playdate, etc. but I am perplexed why we have not been invited to do anything in the two years we've been at the school.

I also went to private school when I was growing up, and every weekend I was at a classmate's house or they were at my house. There was always reciprocation, even though we all lived at least 30 minutes away from each other. My mother always said how important reciprocation was: if they invite you, you invite them.

This is giving me a really negative feeling about my son's school experience and I feel like we will never be accepted there. I know from social media that others in the class are having playdates and no one invites us, and I know that some families are going on vacation together (they post photos on social media). I feel like for some reason we don't fit in. I guess at this point I wonder if this is the right school for us or not.

Sorry you are experiencing this! The silver lining is that your fantastic organization of play dates is, apparently, well received. So at least the play dates do occur, albeit without reciprocity. I have a similar experience with my DD -- always planning the play dates and really never receiving such invitations. In your case though, the distinct difference is your awareness that these families do indeed organize play dates and spend time together, they simply do not extend an invitation for your family to join. That is the part that would be particularly hurtful for me, considering all the effort you appear to put forth. I totally sympathize, and unfortunately, I cannot think of any helpful suggestions since there nothing than can be done on your part to change their behavior on this issue. Two years is a long time at the school for no improvement.

The only thing I can conjure up as potentially helpful advice is to note that your child's young age makes parental involvement heavy and mandatory. Due to this, the parents may be relying on their pre-existing relationships to determine their play date invitations (as it may intertwine with their personal relationships or worse, social climbing endeavors). The children appear to enthusiastically engage with your child, so as they age, play dates will be initiated/requested by the children and that could increase your child's invitations. If you are willing to hang in there through MS years, I suspect (hope!) the situation significantly improves. But I completely understand your current feelings of doubt regarding school community. Good luck moving forward, either way!

[Anonymous]

Since the kids are in 1st grade, if you are seeing things on social media, it’s really the parents who are getting together, I would think. Adults and kids. These folks also may have been friends for years and probably have been since the pandemic made making new friends difficult. It sounds like your DC is well-liked by his classmates and has made friends but maybe you just haven’t made family friends or mom friends. If this matters to you (no judgement either way), trying hosting a small dinner or dessert party with a couple of families of DC’s friends and see if you hit it off as adult friends.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure this is frustrating but I think you are best off to keep inviting kids over and try not to think about the lack of reciprocation. I'd be more concerned if they didn't accept your invitations.

[Anonymous]

Haven't you written about this before?

This has nothing to do with attending a private school. The parents in your class just aren't into hosting playdates.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I wouldn’t judge anything based on last year. I have 4 kids and playdates ground to a halt and have just resumed this year. Also my youngest is just a bit younger than yours and honestly I have never done a play date for this child. I am stretched too thin with more required commitments for my older kids (sports, concerts, recitals, etc). I will make it work if my youngest is invited somewhere but I am being honest that I won’t reciprocate and I’ll be open about it to the other families. I wonder if your ds is picking friends w/ older siblings? Also we feel so busy and pulled in so many different directions that during downtime I just want to be with my kids, not policing a playdate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't you written about this before?

This has nothing to do with attending a private school. The parents in your class just aren't into hosting playdates.

agreed. There were more playdates in private than when my daughter was in public school.

fwiw, the parents of most of the kids at my daughter's private are honestly either kind of weird or already have a rigid group of friends/peers from before/outside of school or from an older sibling. This is at a religoiusly affiliated school and not one of the fancy ones often discussed here.

Of course, most of her friends are all 30 minutes away (even though plenty of her peers live within a 10-15 minute drive of where we live), but that is the 'such is life' part.

[Anonymous]

Just keep hosting - the point of the play date is for your kid t have fun. It doesn’t really matter who hosts - you are being too sensitive.

Fwiw, we have three kids in private schools and we almost always host - like 3:1 or 4:1 ratio of hosting to being invited. But as the kids have gotten older, there seems to be more reciprocation, and I’ve learned which families like to host and which don’t.

In the end, I was my kids to have close friendships and play dates facilitate that. It’s not about me.

[Anonymous]

How pretty are you? If you are good looking, perhaps contact some of the Dads in the class and ask if they want to do meet ups in the park or somewhere where the kids can play and the adults can have coffee or something and visit. We have done that in the past and it seems to get the ball rolling. Once you set the precedent, then try to get the Moms involved.

[Anonymous]

This hasn't been our experience at all. DD started at the school last year in kindergarten, two months later it was her birthday so we invited the whole class, and that seemed to kick things off in a positive direction. Playdates and parties ever since.