Is this a personality disorder?

[Anonymous]

My MIL has a very strong personality with poor boundaries. I have held firm but it’s exhausting.

The other issue with her is she’s very “bossy”. As soon as she walks into our house she starts telling everyone what to to do: all day, for her entire stay. She did this to my lovely parents on a recent visit and they were stunned. When we visit her she’s also incredibly bossy to the point that I end up hiding from her or I’ll be told to:

**Water those plants
**Pick up X,y,z at the store
**Prep this dish for dinner

This goes on all day for the entire visit. She has only a passing interest in our kids so doesn’t really interact with them other than bossing them around.

In the city where she lives she runs a small but successful company and I can only imagine what a nightmare she is to work for. Also, she’s always having people in and out of her house doing stuff for her. It’s like a revolving door of “workers” who she bosses around:

*Clean the koi pond
*Get this at Costco
*Paint that railing etc.

She’s widowed so it makes sense to have some help around the house but this is excessive and it’s never-ending. I know I’m biased but it feels like she has all of these workers around just to boss them around. Her bossiness manifests in other ways too. For ex:

She offered to send our DD to a space camp but DD isn’t interested in space but she loves swimming. My husband suggested MIL send DD to a swim camp close to her house. She said: “space camp or nothing”.

What is this?! Is it being “bossy” or something else? I’m at the point where I’m
basically gray rocking her. This behavior drives my DH crazy but it’s all all he’s ever known. He has had a challenging relationship with her most of his life and he’s planning to say something to her before the next visit but I don’t know that she’ll change her entire personality.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Some people are just a***oles. No DSM entry for that.

[Anonymous]

if it bothers you -you are not enforcing your boundaries. you need to deny her from coming over, that's a boundary. You make the rules for you, don't let her into your world unless shecan live within your boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are just a***oles. No DSM entry for that.

This is OP and this made me laugh, thanks. She’s def a major PITA!

[Anonymous]

Paint the railing?

Eff that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are just a***oles. No DSM entry for that.

We need to make this a sticky.

[Anonymous]

There doesn't need to be a diagnosis for everything. And, it doesn't matter what her diagnosis is - people are still responsible for things like getting their work done, driving safely, paying bills on time, and getting along with others.

[Anonymous]

She keeps demanding these things because you let her. Firm no from here on out to end this nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She keeps demanding these things because you let her. Firm no from here on out to end this nonsense.

This, plus the grey rocking you’re already doing and DH talking to her. It’s how an adult would handle things. Mom sounds like an ahole, but going nuclear like the “cut her off!” poster is childish and unproductive.

[Anonymous]

No, of course it’s not. Have you need evaluated though? Why do you feel the need to nurse this animosity and collect little slights to hold against her? That’s certainly not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Paint the railing?

Eff that.

That’s one of the things she pays people to do, not ask op to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, of course it’s not. Have you need evaluated though? Why do you feel the need to nurse this animosity and collect little slights to hold against her? That’s certainly not healthy.

Another DCUM princess who expects MIL to wait on her hand and foot.

[Anonymous]

Thankfully, she has not asked me to paint the railing although I bet it’s only a matter of time LOL

And, I would never expect to be waited on by her! On the flip side, I won’t tolerate being ordered around like a servant when she visits. I also won’t tolerate her ordering my parents around . I also don’t think it’s too much to ask that she NOT order me around all day when we visit her.

I’m a high energy person, always ready to pitch in, I plan meals, activities etc. This is not about me wanting a break and expecting MIL to give me one. It’s about her **relentless** demands and treating us like servants.

Thanks for the advice re boundaries. I would be 100% fine never seeing her again, especially because she has zero interest in my kids. But, I’ve continued to see her because she’s my husband’s mother and he seems to want a relationship with her. It sounds like I need to be more firm, which I’ll try. This should he interesting but I’m willing to try.

[Anonymous]

I would never invite this person into my home, OP. I'm a mild-mannered, gentle sort of person, but no. I will not be ordered around. If my husband wanted to spend time with her, it would be without me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, of course it’s not. Have you need evaluated though? Why do you feel the need to nurse this animosity and collect little slights to hold against her? That’s certainly not healthy.

These are not little slights. These are 4 days of her barking orders at us in our own home from sunrise to sunset. She’s a healthy adult so no, we haven’t had her evaluated.

I would love to not be dealing this this, trust me.