Dementia Paranoia Directed at Me

[Anonymous]

My dad has end-stage dementia and is in a specialized care facility to keep him safe, etc. I have read books, discussed with doctors, etc. how to interact with him and a lot of the suggestions focus on meeting him in his reality. So, if he's living at Woodstock, we're at Woodstock today. That's been working.

More recently, though, his delusions have taken the form of paranoia directed at me. For example, screaming to the staff that his daughter is murdering him, that I'm responsible for him being poisoned with his meds, etc. The care facility has been kind but not particularly effective - they just call me, tell him it isn't true, and move on while he berates me on the phone, when I visit, etc. I've tried diverting the conversation (he won't once he gets going), I've tried "sorry you feel that way"/"it must be very hard to feel that way," I've tried using logic (I don't give you meds so I'm not poisoning you), etc.

I'm happy to join him in a lot of realities (and have done so), but I don't much care to join him in the one where I'm murdering him. Anyone BTDT? I keep hearing this is common but not finding a lot of good ideas.

[Anonymous]

Hi op

Both my parents have dementia

When my dad doesn’t want to take his meds or complains about them, I explain exactly how they got in his box. He respects doctors so I say, “Dr So and So from hospital X prescribed these, and nurse so and so picked them up from the hospital and put them in your medicine box. The caregivers took it from your box to give you. But the doctor prescribed them and the nurse put them in your box.”

This may or may not help you. Often works on my dad (they will call me when he doesn’t want to take his meds)

[Anonymous]

I have a similar, but different situation. My mom is more very early stage, but paranoid. I have been there for her the most and not only did she lash out at me the most, but she is the most suspicious of me. We had a good relationship long ago and I have a sibling who contributes to the paranoia and benefits financially from doing so while also getting showered with adoration for doing little. Relatives and friends seem to be a little suspicious that mom suddenly is so hostile toward me, but mom seems rational so they mostly stay out of it. I feel like "no good deed goes unpunished" and like I am being accused of things that are insane.

Finally, I had to pull back. She is still deemed capable of managing her finances. We have a social worker who checks in on her and continues to assess and make sure she goes to doctor's appointments. It was all taking a toll on my health and frankly, it's better for her well being that i pull back as long as she doesn't find new targets.

I can only imagine how bad it will get down the line. I feel for you OP. It's one thing to read about a loved one turning on you and accusing you of things and it's another thing to experience it. "It's the disease talking" doesn't help me when she can still turn it on for others and seem rational. It's painful and unfair and you need to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

You just have to let it roll. My mom was screaming at me the other day and was calling me a witch and saying I was trying to kill her. I’m sure she completely forgot about that incident 10 minutes or sooner after it happened. It’s so much harder on us than them, they truly don’t know what’s going on most of the time. Sandwich generation is the absolute worst.

[Anonymous]

My FIL was in an intensive care unit in another country. DH was with him. My FIL was very sure that since I was a programmer turned SAHM (for past 18 years) I had while sitting in my house in DMV, hacked into a big tech company in CA, linked to the hospital in Asia, and was controlling the medical equipment in his room. Proof? The room was very cold at night but it was basically me controlling the temperature and wanting to freeze him to death.

I was so incredibly flattered that he thought I was this evil genius. I also took some comfort that the raging NPD that he was, was so scared of me and I was his worst nightmare.

[Anonymous]

This is so difficult! My Mom thought me and my Dad were having an affair…with each other.

If you have him on the phone, can you pretend to be someone else? Like a police detective or PI? Tell him that believe him, but you need to gather evidence. So he needs to be quiet and act normal, so he doesn’t tip his hand and you can’t gather the evidence you need.

Ask him about the evidence he has right now. I found getting them to talk about their paranoid stories took some of the power away.

[Anonymous]

I tell my Mom she is safe. That seems to be the only sentence I need. I'll say, "you're safe" many times. I do not try to meet her in her delusional world (though ... whatever works. Just saying I haven't handled it that way) She has called me lost, lost in another country (of course she's not). That type of thing.

[Anonymous]

OP it’s so tough. You might tweak “I’m sorry you feel that way” to just mirroring back to him what he said “you think I’m trying to murder you, that must be really upsetting. I’m going to sit here very still so you know I’m not trying to hurt you.”

But really there’s nothing you can do and you need to try to let it roll off, even though I know that’s impossible.

[Anonymous]

I think you stop visiting. What else can you do - the distress for both of you must be through the roof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you stop visiting. What else can you do - the distress for both of you must be through the roof.

OP this is what I had to do. We have professionals involved, but it was raising my blood pressure and giving me heart palpitations and she is just so agitated around me. The sad thing is I hope my mother will reach a phase where she mellows and forgets who I am so I can just be the nice stranger who brings her things, looks at old photos with her and talks about the trees and flowers. I am so sick of being the enemy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just have to let it roll. My mom was screaming at me the other day and was calling me a witch and saying I was trying to kill her. I’m sure she completely forgot about that incident 10 minutes or sooner after it happened. It’s so much harder on us than them, they truly don’t know what’s going on most of the time. Sandwich generation is the absolute worst.

I posted before and this is good advice if the family is on your side. If people buy into her paranoia and in denial and she won't see a neurologist, you sometimes have to hire professionals and step away before things snowball. My own parent is very convincing and I have too much going on in my own life to be taking secret videos and convincing know-it-all family she has lost her Sh&t. I don't have any more energy for accusations and others siding with her.

[Anonymous]

The paranoia and bizarre accusations (in addition to nighttime wandering and other concerning behaviors like putting a plastic container of leftovers into the toaster oven) was why we placed my mom into memory care, 15 minutes away from us. She had been living with us for two and a half months, and the behaviors became more than we could handle and were taking a toll on my mental and physical health. She's follow me around the house and berate me, she accused us of trying to poison her and steal her money, she accused my husband of being lazy and unemployed (he is a systems engineer at Microsoft), she made up all sorts of awful things about my school-age kids and bullied them, and the list goes on. It was awful. Once we got her into assisted living, things improved because when she'd start in on me during a visit, I could end the visit and go home.

On occasion she'll still have bad days where she will call and scream her accusations at me, but I calmly tell her that I am ending the call and will talk to her later when she feels better. Logic doesn't work, and reasoning doesn't work. It's a waste of time and will only agitate her further. I've gotten good at the therapeutic lying about harmless things, but I agree with the OP when she says that she doesn't want to "play along" with the accusations.

It is a horrible disease, and for my mom the worst part is that she is physically perfectly healthy - it's just her mind that is breaking down. On her more lucid days when she's aware of her cognitive decline, she laments on how she wishes she had cancer or some other physical disease rather than the dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The paranoia and bizarre accusations (in addition to nighttime wandering and other concerning behaviors like putting a plastic container of leftovers into the toaster oven) was why we placed my mom into memory care, 15 minutes away from us. She had been living with us for two and a half months, and the behaviors became more than we could handle and were taking a toll on my mental and physical health. She's follow me around the house and berate me, she accused us of trying to poison her and steal her money, she accused my husband of being lazy and unemployed (he is a systems engineer at Microsoft), she made up all sorts of awful things about my school-age kids and bullied them, and the list goes on. It was awful. Once we got her into assisted living, things improved because when she'd start in on me during a visit, I could end the visit and go home.

On occasion she'll still have bad days where she will call and scream her accusations at me, but I calmly tell her that I am ending the call and will talk to her later when she feels better. Logic doesn't work, and reasoning doesn't work. It's a waste of time and will only agitate her further. I've gotten good at the therapeutic lying about harmless things, but I agree with the OP when she says that she doesn't want to "play along" with the accusations.

It is a horrible disease, and for my mom the worst part is that she is physically perfectly healthy - it's just her mind that is breaking down. On her more lucid days when she's aware of her cognitive decline, she laments on how she wishes she had cancer or some other physical disease rather than the dementia.

You capture so well everything. It's so much better when you know the person is somewhere else, safe and you can leave when the accusations and hostility come. I truly regret what I exposed my kids to and she wasn't even in our home. She just was rigid and entitled when it came to again in place because she buried her head in denial and visited less when her own parents declined.