FIL visits

[Anonymous]

This is by now ways a bashing post. I just need help and tips on getting though visits with him.
He visits every 2 or 3 months. So not a lot. It’s actually a great amount. He will stay Friday to Monday.
He lives by himself and has done so for 30 years. He was a part time parent when DH was growing up. Only really saw him for summer and then one week for Christmas. All of this info is to give you an idea of who he is.

When he visits he doesn’t really talk to the kids. When they tell him about their school or dance or soccer he says “ok” and then walks away. Example today we are making cookies. They were telling what kind of cookies we were making and he said “okay” walked away and saw me in the kitchen and said “oh what cookies are you making?!” - I think this is slightly frustrating to me.

The thing I need the most help with is finding a balance between being a good host and also being a person who lives in my house. Our house is really dark, so I like to leave the lights on especially in the living room and kitchen, or I’ll leave the blinds open to create sunlight. Apparently he likes it dark and will go around closing blinds or turning lights off I just turned on.
We leave our back door slightly open for the dog to get in and out, but he keeps closing it and then the dog barks to get let in or let out and then he gets mad the dog is barking. I’ve asked him to leave the door open and he keeps closing it.
He tries to help and I really appreacite the effort but his help is the opposite. He will put dishes away, but puts them away in the wrong spot. I’ve asked him to leave the dishes and we will do them but he does it anyways. the other night he was helping clean up from dinner and was asking what to do with left over food and o said “please throw it in the trash” and he put it al down the garbage disposal. I know this is how he lives and he is older and set in his ways. But it’s exhausting.

DCUM is good at helping me find a balance of letting things go. I know I need to let the lack of conversations with the kids go. But how do I deal with the other stuff?

[Anonymous]

He's old and he's not going to change. I honestly think these are just things you have to get through. Have an extra glass of wine when he's there, or take a walk/run, get Starbucks, whatever. I don't think there's much you can do.

[Anonymous]

So he visits his son more now as an adult than he ever did when son was a child/teen?

Okay.

[Anonymous]

Where is your spouse in all this? Why aren’t they saying things like, “Hey, dad please stop closing the blinds.” And I don’t see why you can’t say it either. “Bill, I asked you before to keep the door open so Skipper can get in. Is there some reason you keep closing it?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's old and he's not going to change. I honestly think these are just things you have to get through. Have an extra glass of wine when he's there, or take a walk/run, get Starbucks, whatever. I don't think there's much you can do.

Thank you. DH actually did get me wine on Friday. We keep taking turns getting out. It’s just a lot to have him.
And to the others, yes he visits more now that we have kids. In the year and half we were dating he never visited and in the year we were married before kids, he also never visited. It’s a hard dynamic becuase he wants to be around he doesn’t know how and he doesn’t have a relationship with DH. DH does ask FIl to stop and I think he is so set in his ways he just can’t.
It’s just something I’ll have to learn to live with or make a game out of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's old and he's not going to change. I honestly think these are just things you have to get through. Have an extra glass of wine when he's there, or take a walk/run, get Starbucks, whatever. I don't think there's much you can do.

Thank you. DH actually did get me wine on Friday. We keep taking turns getting out. It’s just a lot to have him.
And to the others, yes he visits more now that we have kids. In the year and half we were dating he never visited and in the year we were married before kids, he also never visited. It’s a hard dynamic becuase he wants to be around he doesn’t know how and he doesn’t have a relationship with DH. DH does ask FIl to stop and I think he is so set in his ways he just can’t.
It’s just something I’ll have to learn to live with or make a game out of.

Give him a specific job. Why isn't HE making cookies with the kids? Why don't you ask him to walk the dog with one of the kids, or with DH? He's visiting in an effort to be a more involved grandpa than he was a father, but doesn't know how. He's uncomfortable in your home. Give him specific things to do. Play this game with this kid. Read the kids this book.

[Anonymous]

Do you do anything when he is there (special things or go to the park)? If he is handy, give him a list. Lots of football games on today, is he interested? Will he play a game or cards?

[Anonymous]

If he has hearing loss he may find the kids difficult to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he has hearing loss he may find the kids difficult to understand.

This. My mom has always been quiet and introverted but more recently it was like she was purposefully ignoring the kids. And me. I later figured out she couldn't hear very well.

[Anonymous]

Hearing loss comes very slowly and it makes people withdraw and annoying to be with. DH is in he late 50s and cannot understand what you say to him. He is ok for working because he talks very loudly on the phone and adjusts the volume. I have told him repeatedly that he needs to fix his hearing and get a hearing aid.

He does not understand that dementia comes sooner for people who also have hearing loss or vision loss. So annoying.