Is it strange to feel this way about my elderly widow mother dating again?

[Anonymous]

My mother is 74 and my father passed away six years ago. She's older but healthy, retired, and lonely. I have one sister who lives nearby and she enjoys being a grandmother to her kids, but she doesn't want to just be a grandma. So she's been out and about meeting people. And I think, good for her. I don't feel like any potential partner she finds is a replacement for my dad, I think it's good to find companionship in whatever form, late in life. My sister disagrees.

[Anonymous]

Good for you. You obviously know that your response is healthy and great. Hopefully your sister will get on board, but that isn’t really for you to manage. I’m sure there will be lots of negative commentary directed at her (were you hoping for that?), but her opinion has nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

I think it's fine to feel either way. You sister might feel differently just because she's a different person, or, because she fears losing her connection with your mom (and potential babysitting?). But there's no right way to feel.

[Anonymous]

Good for your mom and good for you for being supportive.

[Anonymous]

Just be aware that a lot of men this age are looking for a nurse and a purse. I know of two women, elderly themselves, who dated and cared for even more elderly men, to their (the women's) physical and financial detriment, while the men's financially stable, local children looked on and didn't lift a finger as Dad circled the drain. You can't do anything about this, really, but it wouldn't hurt to remind your mother that she needs to put herself first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good for you. You obviously know that your response is healthy and great. Hopefully your sister will get on board, but that isn’t really for you to manage. I’m sure there will be lots of negative commentary directed at her (were you hoping for that?), but her opinion has nothing to do with you.

No, I’m not looking for others to dogpile on my sister, so much as reassurance that I’m not somehow disrespecting my father. I think if my father were looking down upon us (I’m spiritual but not religious) he would want my mother to be happy but that doesn’t mean that he would want her to find another man. I want to believe that I can respect my father’s memory but also want companionship for my mother late in life.

Interesting about the nurse-and-purse thing. My mom lives in a small town and is not wealthy by DC standards, but she’s UMC for a small town. Comfortable. Nice SFH fully paid off, relatively low property taxes, and she has my fathers pension and healthcare. My dad was a state union employee and had all the “cadillac” benefits. As of now, she’s quite healthy and mobile, but pays my nephews for yard work and random fix-its. Loneliness is the real concern, especially as the grandkids go away to college and have their own lives.

[Anonymous]

I think your attitude is great and quite healthy. I can almost guarantee that if it were your father still alive he'd be dating too. Especially if it was a happy marriage, they say guys in particular seek out another relationship if their marriage was a good one. Probably that applies to your mom as well.

However, I would suggest that you keep the lines of communication with her open on this topic so you will perhaps know if someone is trying to take advantage of her or is mistreating her, it is not uncommon at all these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be aware that a lot of men this age are looking for a nurse and a purse. I know of two women, elderly themselves, who dated and cared for even more elderly men, to their (the women's) physical and financial detriment, while the men's financially stable, local children looked on and didn't lift a finger as Dad circled the drain. You can't do anything about this, really, but it wouldn't hurt to remind your mother that she needs to put herself first.

+1 This seems to be a common theme with some elderly women that I know.

[Anonymous]

Companionship is a good thing. Unless she wants to remarry and the guy is 40, I would let it go.

[Anonymous]

How wonderful that you can feel that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be aware that a lot of men this age are looking for a nurse and a purse. I know of two women, elderly themselves, who dated and cared for even more elderly men, to their (the women's) physical and financial detriment, while the men's financially stable, local children looked on and didn't lift a finger as Dad circled the drain. You can't do anything about this, really, but it wouldn't hurt to remind your mother that she needs to put herself first.

+1 This seems to be a common theme with some elderly women that I know.

+2 Make sure she is not getting sucked into the “nurse and purse” relationship. It is a thing. Also, if she ever gets to the point of marriage, she needs a prenup.

[Anonymous]

What is the nurse and purse thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the nurse and purse thing?

NP. They have no retirement savings and are looking for you to support them financially. Also, they may or may not know about health issues they face down the road, but it would be great to have you around for that too.

[Anonymous]

OP, I do think your sister is being amazingly selfish. Why in the world wouldn’t a kid want their mom to find companionship later in life??? I mean, I would get it if the potential partner was a loser - but just another independent, lonely person? Your poor mom.

I also think it would be healthier if our culture didn’t have such a weird relationship with death - it’s normal. Spouses should tell their partners that they only want happiness for the other if they go first. Your dad might have been horrified thinking that people thought your mom should lead a solitary life just in mourning.

[Anonymous]

My dad is 75. In the fall of 2021 my mom died. He's just started dating. My brother and I encourage it. We dont' want him sitting home alone depressed.