really in need of advice

[Anonymous]

I posted this in the single parents forum, but see there isnt anyone really in there, so i thought i would try here....

my boyfriend and i have been living together for 4 years now. We have been together on and off for 7. He hasa daughter from a previous relationship who is 6 years old, and together we have a 7 month old. on and off throughout our relationship, there have been trust issues. issues on his part because there were financial issues that i didnt divulge to him, until later in the relationship. issues on my part because he maintains a relationship with an ex girlfriend from 10 years ago. i recently started checking his blackberry and found out that he is still having these conversations with the ex. discussing our sex life, going down memory lane with her about their relationship, and discussing our family and relationship issues with her. when i approached him about it, he said that he thought it was me trying to "entrap" him so he carried on the conversations just to get proof. now he comes in the house and ignores me, and basically ignores our daughter as well because he cannot be around me. yesterday he came in, didnt acknowledge our daughter and went into the basement and proceeded to call his other daughter to talk to her. so i decided to go out for a ride, and not take our daughter. i did this because if being around me is that much of a problem, then i will leave so he can spend time with his daughter. when i returned home they were gone. i sent him a text to ask where they were, and he responded saying they were on their way home. when he got there i told him to never do that to me again. since she has been here, i have always known where they are even if it was for a short walk. he then said that i was implying that he is a detriment to his child. and that i left out without telling him where i was going, so why is it an issue. after this, he let our daughter in the crib and told me to go take care of MY child.

when we are good, we are GOOD, but when we are bad things are very bad. i want to come to some type of resolution because this ignoring each other and walking around with attitudes is only going to make things worse if we do decide to break up.

i am considering taking our daughter to a friend for a few hours this evening and trying to talk to him. or should i just leave it alone and prepare to move out?

thanks.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you both are toxic to each other and this is not a healthy environment for you or for your daughter. Do you want her to grow up watching you always fight and never learn to trust someone else? Things will only get worse. Do you have family or friends you can stay with? Since you're not married, you can't divorce, but I would definitely make a break. Don't get involved with immature men. Look for a grown-up next time and start being one yourself.

[Anonymous]

DTMFA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you both are toxic to each other and this is not a healthy environment for you or for your daughter. Do you want her to grow up watching you always fight and never learn to trust someone else? Things will only get worse. Do you have family or friends you can stay with? Since you're not married, you can't divorce, but I would definitely make a break. Don't get involved with immature men. Look for a grown-up next time and start being one yourself.

unfortunately, i think you may be right. i have family i can stay with, but i really DO not want to go back to my mother at 35 years old. especially not with a child. I have reservations, because I have fear of being a single parent, and know first hand the effects of not having a father there day in and day out can have a daughter. i would go so far as to say its still a part of the issues between my mother and i.

and honestly. he is an excellent father. excellent. but his biggest issue is not admitting his fault in a situation and turning everything on me.

thanks for the advice, its just a lot easier to know what you have to do, and actually doing it.

[Anonymous]

You both sound very immature and the relationship sounds toxic. You both have trust issues. You both have communication issues --eg, you left w/o telling him where you were going (I hope you did tell him you were leaving so he knew he was responsible for baby!), and then you're pissed off b/c he left w/o telling you where he/they were. Both immature, passive aggressive actions. Finally, I wonder why you decided to have a child together if you've been "on and off" for 7 years. I know some people have issues with the institution of marriage, but it sounds in this case like you weren't prepared for or mature enough for marriage, but had a kid together nevertheless (his second out of wedlock child, I might add). At any rate, the most important thing you can do right now is think about what the best future for your daughter is: will working things out, or attempting to, in order to create a stable home for your daughter be possible? If not, will you each be able to provide the stability (financial and otherwise) for this child as single parents working together? In either case, you sound like you need counseling to come to some resolution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both sound very immature and the relationship sounds toxic. You both have trust issues. You both have communication issues --eg, you left w/o telling him where you were going (I hope you did tell him you were leaving so he knew he was responsible for baby!), and then you're pissed off b/c he left w/o telling you where he/they were. Both immature, passive aggressive actions. Finally, I wonder why you decided to have a child together if you've been "on and off" for 7 years. I know some people have issues with the institution of marriage, but it sounds in this case like you weren't prepared for or mature enough for marriage, but had a kid together nevertheless (his second out of wedlock child, I might add). At any rate, the most important thing you can do right now is think about what the best future for your daughter is: will working things out, or attempting to, in order to create a stable home for your daughter be possible? If not, will you each be able to provide the stability (financial and otherwise) for this child as single parents working together? In either case, you sound like you need counseling to come to some resolution.

the child was not planned. I can admit that, but it happened and she is here now. My concern is being a responsible parents and providing the best life for her i can. She did not ask to be here, and now that she is we have to be mature adults and deal with it. "accident" or not, she is here and she is BOTH of our responsibly - one that neither of us takes lightly.

and YES, i did tell him that i was leaving and would be back. I may be immature in my relationship, but that would result in child abandonment and I would NOT do that. Financially I can provide for the child myself. I am the breadwinner and am able to provide for her and I and still have money left in our pockets. But so is he. and i will not give him an easy out and allow him to not be financially responsible. In the grand scheme of things money is NOT the issue. that can come and go, together or not. the issue is the emotional well being and family life of our child.

as a first time mother, who has always know where her child is it was scary for me to walk in with no note, no text message or anything when he was not speaking to me. if he was, he would have called or left a not if things were "all good" i dont think my anger about that was unreasonable. if you do, explain to me why. i am sincerely trying to understand and put myself in his shoes.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would really hope that you can read back over your entry and understand why everyone is telling you to get out. Even if things are GOOD some of the time, this behavior is not ok.
If you can provide for your child, then get out. I would also talk to a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

i understand your concern for your daughter's welfare when she was gone and you and your immature BF had been fighting and were not speaking, but i'm going to be very blunt with you. both you and your boyfriend are incredibly immature and you need to grow up now for your daughter's sake. first thing is that you need to end this toxic relationship, immediately. he's not supporting you -- you said you're the breadwinner, so there's no reason to stick around for the financial support. and lord knows you're not getting any emotional support. unless you all are willing to engage in serious couples therapy, i suggest you leave now.

and by the way, there are no accidents in conceiving a child. you're an adult and you know how babies are conceived. you weren't using protection and you got pregnant. not preventing is trying, IMHO.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like you may be about 20 years old, 25 max.

[Anonymous]

I was in your same situation -- 37 and with a boyfriend that I started to have trust issues with AFTER the baby was born. He was fabulous during my pregnancy and with me all the way, but afterwards was different. I honestly think he was really freaked out by the responsibility and engaged in some behaviors to make him feel "normal -- i.e., pre-baby. In any case, it was a toxic relationship, I could well afford to do things on my own and we didn't live together, so we parted ways. It took some time, but we are now on friendly/respectful terms and he spends every other weekend with our 3 year old DS. I think the father-son relationship they have is a far better relationship BECAUSE we parted ways before things got too bad. If I had stayed in that toxicity fo too much longer, our relationship may have been too far gone to have had any chance of recovery. FWIW, I'd leave...or at least set a mental date down the road that you will leave if things don't get better. And if you really love him and want to stay together for reasons OTHER than the baby, then see if he'll do counseling. Staying with him for the baby is not the rights reason...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i understand your concern for your daughter's welfare when she was gone and you and your immature BF had been fighting and were not speaking, but i'm going to be very blunt with you. both you and your boyfriend are incredibly immature and you need to grow up now for your daughter's sake. first thing is that you need to end this toxic relationship, immediately. he's not supporting you -- you said you're the breadwinner, so there's no reason to stick around for the financial support. and lord knows you're not getting any emotional support. unless you all are willing to engage in serious couples therapy, i suggest you leave now.

and by the way, there are no accidents in conceiving a child. you're an adult and you know how babies are conceived. you weren't using protection and you got pregnant. not preventing is trying, IMHO.

wholeheartedly agreed. but what is done, is done right?

[Anonymous]

This sounds exhausting and unhealthy. Having a child is the hardest thing my husband and I have gone through (and we've gone through a lot) and we love, respect and trust each other. I cant even imagine how bad this is for the children. Please get out. Or get help. Both of you.

[cmkeough]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like you may be about 20 years old, 25 max.

Seriously?! Who cares how young/old she is, saying something like that isn't necessary.

To the OP, I agree with the PP's. The relationship does sound toxic, and even you admit that yourself. I truly hope that you're able to come to terms with everything and move on for your sake as well as your DD's. It's never easy ending a relationship, even if it's not a good one since you want to grasp hold of the good times/memories.

Best of luck to you and your DD.

Hugs!
CK

[Anonymous]

I don't know if I would throw the towel in quite so fast. How about counseling? Obviously a paragraph posting here can't really give a full picture of the situation and having professional advice would be really helpful I'd think.

For the immediate, why don't you wait a little bit till the emotions calm down. And then yes, have a talk with him and if you do love him ask him if he wants to work on the relationship and suggest counseling and go from there...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you both are toxic to each other and this is not a healthy environment for you or for your daughter. Do you want her to grow up watching you always fight and never learn to trust someone else? Things will only get worse. Do you have family or friends you can stay with? Since you're not married, you can't divorce, but I would definitely make a break. Don't get involved with immature men. Look for a grown-up next time and start being one yourself.

this.