How to find backup childcare for days kid is sick?

[Anonymous]

My toddler's first year in daycare is killing us. We both work from home, but my husband is primary earner. So when the kid is sick, I watch her, and he takes a couple hours off each day. Then we stay up late to finish work. Our sick days are long gone, we only have a few and they go fast.

For the minor illnesses (1-2 days out of daycare), our plan is manageable, but when she's more sick, I just don't understand how to survive it. Normally, we just barely keep up with the household responsibilities, our older child's schedule, and the toddler. But when we lose day after day to illness, it's like our entire life falls apart. We're both exhausted, stressed, horribly behind on work, and starting to come down with whatever she has.

My husband is really angry at me and says I need to find a backup childcare plan if I want our marriage to survive. He brings in 75% of our income and helps a lot with household stuff like renovations and repairs, all the bills, weekly groceries, morning routine, evening kitchen cleanup, and our older one's activities. I can see he is at the end of his rope. I don't blame him for this ultimatum, but I don't know what to do.

Our date night sitters are all either busy during the day or unwilling to watch a sick child. I posted on some local Facebook groups but got no responses. We don't live near family, but when we did, they had a no sick kids rule too. Any ideas for me?

PS I love my job and don't want to stay at home, especially because I doubt I'll be able to get this kind of role again. Unfortunately, we can't afford a full-time nanny.

[Anonymous]

It was rough for us too, the first year or 2 of daycare. This will get much better, I promise you. What I did discover though was as long as I gave DD probiotics and fresh strawberries daily, her sicknesses significantly decreased. I used to give chewable probiotic from whole foods. There's cultrelle too you can put in milk. I never found back up sick child care. I think that realistically, even though DH earns a higher salary, he needs to share the burden of sick child care if he wants you both to maintain your jobs. You have a full time job to perform.

[Anonymous]

Ok first recognize your DH is being a jerk. This is HIS KID and you have HOUSEHOLD INCOME in a marriage so he can knock it off with the aggrieved attitude already.

Practically: can you discuss this frankly with your manager at work? Can you work a reduced schedule or just take leave for a set period of time? The sicknesses may well ease in the spring and that could give you both a breather.

Can you really not afford a nanny? The early childcare years are the hardest but they're also short in the grand scheme. Can you draw back on savings or retirement to fund better childcare for a year or two? What about a nanny-share, which is noticeably cheaper than a full time nanny of your own?

[Anonymous]

You don’t have a family option. You say you don’t have a nanny option. You don’t want to not work. He doesn’t want to not work. I’m not sure what other options you have. I watch a friends kid sometimes, she has a permanent 3 day per week nanny share and her parents fill in the other 2 days. On days they can’t do I help out if I’m not at work because my kid is school age. I wouldn’t want to do if if he was sick though. If you’d kid is too sick for daycare there is prob no one else who wants to watch them either.

[Anonymous]

Can you take LWOP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My husband is really angry at me and says I need to find a backup childcare plan if I want our marriage to survive. (snip). I can see he is at the end of his rope. I don't blame him for this ultimatum, but I don't know what to do.

What??

I would call him on his ultimatum. What would happen if you guys divorced, and he had the kids 50% of the time?

Who does he think he would call on sick days then, exactly?

[Anonymous]

Does your husband think you should quit your job to be a SAHM? Is that why he is angry with you?

I don't know anything about hiring sick care, but I do know it is possible to hire anybody for anything, if you are willing to spend enough money. And since you are both home during the day it should be possible to find a price point at which people would be willing to come over and care for your sick child.

You say you post on local Facebook groups -- how much are you offering per hour?

I mean, I bet if you paid $40/hour you could find sick-kid sitters. $320/day to come watch my sick preschooler while I and my husband are both home. I am positive you could find some competent takers at that rate.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. I have my baby in a nannyshare because I remember how awful the daycare illnesses were with my older child and some of the COVID policies are still insane (one place we got into is still sending kids home for every symptom like a basic runny nose, no fever, and then requiring a PCR or dr’s note to return). Sorry but the whole point of daycare is for my child to go so we can work. Nannyshare has been so much better at limiting germ exposure and our nanny has been willing to work through the occasional mild runny nose, no issue.

Otherwise I think the staggering hours/catching up at night is just what you have to do. Backup care for a sick kid is harder to find than a pre-planned day off for a healthy kid. DH can’t put this 100% on you though, that isn’t fair. I get he’s frustrated but this needs to be a team effort to solve.

Other things, make sure you’re following what is required by the sick policy at daycare but no more. If your DD is full of energy, no fever, then don’t keep her home if she is allowed to go. Whatever she has is already going around the daycare room anyway. Don’t be a martyr, none of the other parents are. And work during screen time/nap time.

[Anonymous]

I would call him on his BS. This is HIS CHILD he CHOSE TO HAVE with you. Tell him to go eff himself and find the backup care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would call him on his BS. This is HIS CHILD he CHOSE TO HAVE with you. Tell him to go eff himself and find the backup care.

Ok, I'm back with a more reasonable suggestion. Have you considered intermittent FMLA? How did you cover sick time with your older child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband think you should quit your job to be a SAHM? Is that why he is angry with you?

I don't know anything about hiring sick care, but I do know it is possible to hire anybody for anything, if you are willing to spend enough money. And since you are both home during the day it should be possible to find a price point at which people would be willing to come over and care for your sick child.

You say you post on local Facebook groups -- how much are you offering per hour?

I mean, I bet if you paid $40/hour you could find sick-kid sitters. $320/day to come watch my sick preschooler while I and my husband are both home. I am positive you could find some competent takers at that rate.

He thinks I'm trying to have it all, and shouldn't have had a second child if I wanted to pursue my dream job with a crap salary. He agreed to the second child, but he would have been perfectly happy without. I didn't think having 2 kids and a 40 hour/week job would be so difficult. If we could afford $40/hour on top of daycare, we'd just get a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would call him on his BS. This is HIS CHILD he CHOSE TO HAVE with you. Tell him to go eff himself and find the backup care.

Ok, I'm back with a more reasonable suggestion. Have you considered intermittent FMLA? How did you cover sick time with your older child?

With my older child, I worked part-time and we had a part-time nanny. The older one never really got sick, when she did, nanny still watched her. By the time she transitioned to full-time preschool at age 4, she had a solid immune system, so we never went through this.

Now our financial situation is totally different. My husband quit his 70 hour/week job and took a huge salary cut for a position that's 45 hours/week. I took a full-time role at a small organization, there's no FMLA.

I guess the problem is neither of us wants to be the one sacrificing their career. DH doesn't want to work crazy hours to afford a nanny, I don't want to stay at home or get a job I hate in order to earn more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have a family option. You say you don’t have a nanny option. You don’t want to not work. He doesn’t want to not work. I’m not sure what other options you have. I watch a friends kid sometimes, she has a permanent 3 day per week nanny share and her parents fill in the other 2 days. On days they can’t do I help out if I’m not at work because my kid is school age. I wouldn’t want to do if if he was sick though. If you’d kid is too sick for daycare there is prob no one else who wants to watch them either.

OP here. The majority of families with kids have 2 working parents, and the majority of those don't have nannies. I know some are covered by involved grandparents/aunts who watch sick kids, but many don't have that either. And they somehow figure it out. So, I was hoping to get some practical advice, but maybe people in this forum are too wealthy to have this problem?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think a lot of people just “work from home” when their kids are sick and don’t take any leave at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think a lot of people just “work from home” when their kids are sick and don’t take any leave at all.

+1 both spouses pitch in and split the shift, make up time after they kids go to bed etc. Do more work to catch up when kids go back to daycare. Yes it is exhausting but that's life and parenting. Your DH sounds like the problem. Most families I now (I have 2 under 5) are having the same nonstop illnesses this past summer/fall and now into winter.