ILs ask for gift ideas, then reject all of them

[Anonymous]

Every year, DH provides his parents with a good list of kid gift ideas, with a wide range of options and price ranges, from both online retailers and stores we know are local to them.

Even though I prefer no gifts, they press, and I will ask for things I actually want or need, again a nice range, or my top 3 non-“political” charities.

Every. Year. The ILs reject each and every idea, or try to talk us into other things. They literally NEVER shop from the lists, though they ask for them starting in November. They just texted me telling me why they wouldn’t be getting me anything on my list. Should DH and I just stop this dance and tell them, feel free to get us anything you like?

[Anonymous]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Yes, just stop. Say "Please get whatever you would like" and then donate it.

I find it useful to ask for grocery items. Anyone who knows me knows that I love fancy jam! Yes I do. Lots of jam is my Christmas wish.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my mother.

[Anonymous]

I’m curious as to what their reasons are for not getting the items you ask for. Do they object in some way?

[Anonymous]

My mom did this too. The wish list = her what not to buy list. Items on the list absolutely required criticism as well. Enthusiasm was expected for the items she picked instead. Of course the 15 year old book worm loved the hockey team themed snowman decorating kit. She never played a sport or watched a game, and has not made a snowman in years. I of course loved the beautiful decorative set of mating frogs ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every year, DH provides his parents with a good list of kid gift ideas, with a wide range of options and price ranges, from both online retailers and stores we know are local to them.

Even though I prefer no gifts, they press, and I will ask for things I actually want or need, again a nice range, or my top 3 non-“political” charities.

Every. Year. The ILs reject each and every idea, or try to talk us into other things. They literally NEVER shop from the lists, though they ask for them starting in November. They just texted me telling me why they wouldn’t be getting me anything on my list. Should DH and I just stop this dance and tell them, feel free to get us anything you like?

Why not give them 3 choices and expect them to ignore the list. Put less effort in it.

[Anonymous]

There are people who need to do strange dances with gifts. It's a "gift" so you are supposed to think they are being generous and kind by giving one and even asking you what they want. They then are controlling by not getting it, but it's a gift so you7 are supposed to be gracious. You simply stop the dance. You either tell them there is no need for a gift or say you want nothing. He could also confront the issue, but it is a trap because it can be turned around as you all being sooooo selfish.

Some families really need to do dysfunctional things every year. It becomes like Lucy with the football. Just break the pattern calmly with no apology.

My mother and sister are particularly disturbed when it comes to gift giving. Mom used to get back at relatives she hated by giving their kids really noisy gifts. She thinks it's funny to give someone on a diet rich chocolates. My sister will send broken things to her favorite thing to do to people if to keep telling them a gift is coming, but she never actually sends it. I had a coworker who have someone she hated a "nacissius plant" as her way to say the person is a narcissist.

Are your inlaws nutty in other ways? If not, then lucky you! If they are then this should not be surprising. Some people can't help being passive aggressive with gifts. it's the perfect disguise because they can just make you feel ungrateful and selfish for wondering why they ignored the list they requested you provide...yet again.

[Anonymous]

Switch it up and ask then what are planning to get kids. And then say why not best gift. Son too old. Interested in X. Been working toward X so would like X

[Anonymous]

Hi Mom,

Thanks for asking. The lists we gave you guys last year still work for Larla and Larlo and Larlette and me. Here they are again....

If you don't want to use the lists just get whatever, I'm sure we'll love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to what their reasons are for not getting the items you ask for. Do they object in some way?

“Oh that’s no fun,” “We want to get you something special,” “You don’t need that—I’ve got one I can give to you” (similar but not at all what I personally want item) -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to what their reasons are for not getting the items you ask for. Do they object in some way?

“Oh that’s no fun,” “We want to get you something special,” “You don’t need that—I’ve got one I can give to you” (similar but not at all what I personally want item) -OP

Next year give a list of things you absolutely don't want so at least those get ruled out.

[Anonymous]

Don’t take the bait. When they ask for a list, say “You decide, anything will be fine.” Or, go extravagant and tell them you need a new car 😬

[Anonymous]

“Yeah, no. We’re not taking time to put together lists that you criticize and ignore year after year. Just get us whatever you want, as always.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Mom,

Thanks for asking. The lists we gave you guys last year still work for Larla and Larlo and Larlette and me. Here they are again....

If you don't want to use the lists just get whatever, I'm sure we'll love it.

I think it's a great idea to say the list from last year still stands if it does. I would not say get whatever and "I'm sure we'll love it" if that is not true. I just would not engage in it at all. Be prepared to donate if they give stuff you don't need and if they give stuff you like -then great! Just don't waste time creating lists. If the list from last year doesn't work you can be honest and say "I don't have time to create a list. It doesn't seem like you find them helpful.Please don't feel like you need to get us gifts." If they keep pushing just ignore and say "we look forward to seeing you!" Some people have a really compulsive need to do strange things. You don't need to reinforce that. If you enjoy seeing them then focus on that and reinforce that and ignore the other stuff.