Help with depressed/anxious spouse and older teen

[Anonymous]

Not sure where to ask this question, so I will ask it here. Spouse has a difficult personality, and it is getting worse with age - petulance and not so good at picking their battles come to mind first. We have two grown children, and have been married several decades. Spouse has a penchant for doing some very cruel things, like leaving me behind when we are going to a family event (I was actually in the driveway when this has happened. I took my own car, and I was not late, this is just something spouse does, as an example). Spouse has a lot of anger and issues from childhood that will never go away, since spouse's family is in complete denial and are quite good at acting like nothing ever happened. On top of that, the same dysfunctional family dynamics come into play when we are with spouse's family.

This issue is this: one of our children has the anxiety and depression that spouse has, so it has been many, many years of not having (random thing here) - not doing anything as a family, not taking even the smallest day trips, (the one or two we have taken spouse manages to throw a tantrum and ruin it - spouse and the kid who hates me bring everything tumbling down so fast, and they feed off each other). But mostly the day to day things - we don't even have dinner together, since spouse had such a bad experience, literally night after night, while growing up.

I feel like much that costs nothing has been completely robbed from me and the other kid (not the one who hates me), and the other kid feels the same.

Have you been through anything like this in your family, and how did you deal with it? I am willing to pay for a professional to talk to, even though we don't have insurance coverage for that. I don't make much, but finding the right person to talk to would be well worth it - mostly because I have to decide if I want to grow old alone, or with this train wreck. I have been trying to a decent professional to talk to, but that has proven to be very difficult.

I also feel like my spouse might be jealous of me. This feels weird to type out, and I do not want to get into specifics, but I have seen it more than a few times. It is especially weird because spouse is the type of person that looks "perfect" on the outside. (IME, the more 'perfect" one seems on the outside, the more messed up they can be on the inside, but I digress.)

The other kid hates me, and spouse does nothing to help the situation. If anything spouse is there to throw gasoline on the fire. It is as if spouse wants me to feel their pain. But it seems so sick to me, instead of wanting to help themselves - and our kid. I am simply tired. Please be kind.

[Anonymous]

That boat sailed when your children were young. Your dh's issues must have been known to you before or soon after the kids were born. Since you brought up therapy, definitely offer to pay for each child's therapy and obtain competent therapy for yourself. It is never too late to change your life and I hope you can develop healthier relationships with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That boat sailed when your children were young. Your dh's issues must have been known to you before or soon after the kids were born. Since you brought up therapy, definitely offer to pay for each child's therapy and obtain competent therapy for yourself. It is never too late to change your life and I hope you can develop healthier relationships with your kids.

This is almost 100% a husband writing this.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if this is helpful, but your post reminded my marriage/divorce. I thought my situation/experience was really weird and unique, but later, I found that it was a very typical situation with a covert narcissist (depression/resentment, create/promote conflicts between family members (more power to him), jealousy, cruel, bad childhood, blames everyone and everything but himself, enjoy "punishing" you, sensitive to how he is perceived by outsiders). After my therapist pointed out that he was a covert narcissist, things became very clear to me and I felt like I woke up from a nightmare. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That boat sailed when your children were young. Your dh's issues must have been known to you before or soon after the kids were born. Since you brought up therapy, definitely offer to pay for each child's therapy and obtain competent therapy for yourself. It is never too late to change your life and I hope you can develop healthier relationships with your kids.

This is almost 100% a husband writing this.

Why? I am a woman, fwiw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That boat sailed when your children were young. Your dh's issues must have been known to you before or soon after the kids were born. Since you brought up therapy, definitely offer to pay for each child's therapy and obtain competent therapy for yourself. It is never too late to change your life and I hope you can develop healthier relationships with your kids.

This is almost 100% a husband writing this.

Why? I am a woman, fwiw.

No one cares. Go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if this is helpful, but your post reminded my marriage/divorce. I thought my situation/experience was really weird and unique, but later, I found that it was a very typical situation with a covert narcissist (depression/resentment, create/promote conflicts between family members (more power to him), jealousy, cruel, bad childhood, blames everyone and everything but himself, enjoy "punishing" you, sensitive to how he is perceived by outsiders). After my therapist pointed out that he was a covert narcissist, things became very clear to me and I felt like I woke up from a nightmare. Good luck to you.

This sounds accurate. Is it hopeless? You seem like you have some constructive insight. Do you have a therapist to recommend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if this is helpful, but your post reminded my marriage/divorce. I thought my situation/experience was really weird and unique, but later, I found that it was a very typical situation with a covert narcissist (depression/resentment, create/promote conflicts between family members (more power to him), jealousy, cruel, bad childhood, blames everyone and everything but himself, enjoy "punishing" you, sensitive to how he is perceived by outsiders). After my therapist pointed out that he was a covert narcissist, things became very clear to me and I felt like I woke up from a nightmare. Good luck to you.

This sounds accurate. Is it hopeless? You seem like you have some constructive insight. Do you have a therapist to recommend?

What I learned is that you cannot fix/change a narcissit because he doesn't believe anything is wrong with him. It's YOU/the universe/the society that is wrong. In my case, I didn't have kids so I just left. I don't have a therapist to recommend because my former therapist is not in DC/VA/MD. But I recommend to get a therapist with a PhD (not masters degree in Social Work). Hug.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP who said this sounds like a narcissist. My father was one and what you describe is pretty much what it was like growing up for me. My advice is to (quietly) focus on yourself and re-discover what 'normal' is. You have been living this way for so very long that your perception of reality is warped. Believe you me, it's better to grow old alone than to continue to live the way you are.

But, you may not be alone the way you think. My mother bloomed after she stopped grieving after my father's death (yeah, that was sick, she grieved the a$$hole). She reconnected with old friends, made new ones and now has nice communities she's a part of in Florida where she winters and in our midwest state.

YouTube has some helpful videos (google Narcissist). If you work, you might reach out to EAP for some free counseling. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That boat sailed when your children were young. Your dh's issues must have been known to you before or soon after the kids were born. Since you brought up therapy, definitely offer to pay for each child's therapy and obtain competent therapy for yourself. It is never too late to change your life and I hope you can develop healthier relationships with your kids.

Not OP but why do people assume this? There is always a poster in these situations that lays blame on the victim. To this poster - newsflash - people develop mental illness and other dysfunctions that they did not used to have. Not all outcomes are "obvious" from the start.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your situation, OP. I think the only thing you can do is try to disassociate, both mentally and physically. Live your own life as separately from DH as possible. Include your kind child in that life.

Acknowledge that your DH (and other child) are mentally ill and are not in control of their actions, but also that their actions are not normal and are no fault of yours. Allow yourself to grieve for the mentally competent versions of them that don't exist.

You don't need family vacations or family dinners to be happy... even though I get that those things are supposed to be the "simple" things in life that do make you happy. That's just not your reality. It's okay to grieve for the life you had planned that never unfolded. Find joy in watching the sunset, talking a walk, or reading a good book.