How would you handle the being hurt over children's rejection?

[Anonymous]

DCUM I need your wise guidance, please

My spouse and I moved bicoastally in 2020 to be closer to family. My son is sensitive and shy but perks up more with family. My spouse has a dad and sister in the area who are very involved with my children. I am close with my dad's two sisters, who also live in the area. One aunt has a daughter (cousin A), and my other aunt has a son (cousin B) Cousin A has a son, and causing B has a daughter; both are close in age to my son. Cousin A, aunt, and nephew live together 3 1/2 hours away, and since moving, we have made an effort to see each other. My son and nephew get along well and share the same sensibilities. It is a joy to see them play. My nephew is very active in sports on weekends, so we are limited to visiting every 2 or 3 months, depending on the weather.

On the other hand, my cousin B, his wife, and my niece used to live 20 minutes away. In the beginning, we attributed not seeing them much due to their Covid precautions. The few times in 2021 my kids saw my niece, they enjoyed playing together, my niece is an only child. When we took her to the pumpkin patch, my niece said she "felt like she was in a dream." My cousin B, his wife, and my niece moved 1 hour away. Whenever we asked to visit, we would hear from my aunt (his mother) that they were too busy with work, house, or just busy. I understood life could be stressful. The few times we could see my niece was when my aunt had her visiting over the weekend. My aunt will tell us to visit my niece on a few occasions niece visited the neighborhood, but not every single time she visited, more like 1 in 6 or 1 in 7, very few. I've noticed that anytime I text my cousin B and his wife asking to visit or meet up, I would get a response a couple of days later. They have a lot going on. Sometimes, they will not answer. I have never been invited to their home since they moved in March 2021. My cousin A and her son visit them, but my cousin B and his wife don't ask my children to play with my nephew and niece. It could save us a long drive to see my nephew, and we wouldn't intrude on their weekend together, I would be just happy with only them playing for a couple of hours. I would make it easier for everyone. We don't need to be minded. I literally can stay outside while the kids play or take all children to play somewhere. The last straw for me was my son's birthday this summer; they did not respond to the evite and texted me the day before that they had other things to do. I also know that my niece comes to my neighborhood some weekends for enrichment activities, but they have never stopped by my house to say hi or tell me to meet up. I send them Christmas Cards every year, gifts for my niece, and text on holidays/birthdays, and I barely get a response in text.

It pains me a lot when my children are rejected. It is clear that my children don't matter to them. I always had a good loving relationship with cousin B (as well as cousin A), so I am surprised at this change in cousin B. I have not spent much time with his wife. If my cousin B and his wife have something against my spouse and me, I am ok with them taking it on me, but not my children. I hoped the kids would build solid familial bonds and memories together. I haven't had the chance to speak about my observations with them because the few times I've seen them are during family gatherings, and I don't feel it is the appropriate time.

To my surprise, we received from cousin B a text with a picture of an invitation to my niece's birthday party from 3pm to 5pm. My son and daughter have other birthday parties with friends and parents I feel much closer to because of how they treat my children! So I will need to leave my niece's birthday party at 4:30 pm, so my spouse and I make it to the other parties. If we go 30 minutes earlier, my cousin B and his wife, my aunt, and possibly other family members may take it as a slight, but I don't feel it is wrong to put others above them as they have done to my children. I also think this time; I won't be able to hold it in anymore and just tell them how inconsiderate they have been to my kids and how this is severely hurting our relationship.

How would you handle it?

[Anonymous]

TL;DR

[Anonymous]

It sounds like Cousin B is reaching out, which you wanted. If you use the opportunity to speak your mind about the past behavior or leave early, it will no doubt solidify any rift that may be there. So, you'll have to decide what you think is more important. Maybe that ship has sailed and you don't care anymore, or maybe you'd rather just tell them off, knowing it will deepen any rift you currently feel. The expression is cutting off your nose to spite your face, but it's up to you.

[Anonymous]

TL;DR

But I can say that I have experienced family rejecting my children and favoring other children in the family. It hurts and the kids notice. It’s the grandparents’ loss as they have virtually no relationship with my now adult kids. I tried in the beginning to get them together but at some point stopped trying.

[Anonymous]

Oh dear I couldn’t get though this.

You need to summarize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh dear I couldn’t get though this. You need to summarize.

I am not positive, but think OP moved closer to family and part of the family will spend time with her and her kids and part won't and she's reached out to the part that won't a lot and they always say they're too busy but now they've invited her to something and she has something else going on that day. So now she doesn't know if she should arrive at her original commitment late in order to go to the family thing she was finally invited to. But I may be wrong - it was very long and boring so, hard to read.

[Anonymous]

I think you sound like a drama llama and they may be rejecting *you* rather than your children. Or maybe they're busy and you're taking this way too personally. Either way, I don't think scolding them and demanding more attention will help.

[Anonymous]

They are rude to not respond to your evite. But you sound like a lot.

Also, I think you are way overestimating how much time adults spend with their first cousins. They are not your niece and nephew BTW, they're your first cousins once removed.

[Anonymous]

Well, I doubt that they have anything "against" you, they just don't want to spend a lot of time with you. They may be giving you the cold shoulder on purpose so that you get the message that they don't want to spend a lot of time together. Most people focus on their actual nieces and nephews, not their adult cousins.

You seem like you feel entitled to their time and attention, like if they don't give it to you then that means something is wrong, either they dislike you or you've offended them. And that's not necessarily true. They just don't feel like it ad it's as simple as that. Demanding more of their time or attention or calling them out for not doing what you think they should do is only going to make this situation worse. They've opened the door a little with this invite, and if you steamroll through it and force them into a stressful interaction, the door will slam shut again. If you go and maintain a pleasant neutrality and don't make demands, then the door may remain open. Your choice.

Try this article:
https://captainawkward.com/2016/07/02/878-my-nephews-have-frozen-me-out-what-can-i-do-about-it/

[Anonymous]

OP Here, Thanks for the comments. I am grateful for all of them. One thing I like about DCUM is how funny it can be, even at the OPs expense. I take all criticism.
Just to clarify, the children are not adults. They are aged 8. My main interest is for the children to spend time together at least once every two months. OF course, I would love to be back to how we used to be with cousin B, but understand that I left the area for many years.
Thank you for helping me see clearly. I won't say anything at the gathering and will continue to be as pleasant as I have been, but I will let them know days in advance that I will need to step away a bit earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here, Thanks for the comments. I am grateful for all of them. One thing I like about DCUM is how funny it can be, even at the OPs expense. I take all criticism.
Just to clarify, the children are not adults. They are aged 8. My main interest is for the children to spend time together at least once every two months. OF course, I would love to be back to how we used to be with cousin B, but understand that I left the area for many years.
Thank you for helping me see clearly. I won't say anything at the gathering and will continue to be as pleasant as I have been, but I will let them know days in advance that I will need to step away a bit earlier.

Good job, OP.

But still, most adults don't spend that much time with their cousins. It's not just that you've moved away, it's that you've all aged and are busy with children and everything, and they're probably putting a higher prioirity on time with their children's first cousins than second cousins.

Is this important to you because your child doesn't have siblings?

[Anonymous]

Yes, go to the party and enjoy - you are getting what you wanted for once! Your kids are included and everyone will be together & having a nice day. Enjoy it, leave when you have to bc you have things that you rsvp'd to earlier - who can fault you for that? You are a good person for honoring your earlier commitments.
I will say - give your cousins some grace. You may not have the full picture - maybe someone is struggling with depression, behavior issues, work, financial issues, illness - even if you think you know all of their issues from your aunt, who really knows what they are experiencing. Just give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they are doing the best they can...and when they pulled it together to have a party, they invited your children.
Go, have a good time with family & then with good friends - enjoy the abundance, you have multiple people inviting you & your children to celebrate with them, that is really wonderful.
Who knows what tomorrow/next month/next year holds - but sounds like you have a really nice day ahead of you & your kids will have a blast!

[Anonymous]

Well, I moved back because of family; I guess I created a fantasy in my head that the three little cousins would become close. My son has a younger sister. My nephew and niece don't have siblings. This is it; this is the only peer group they have at this age. No other cousins from my spouse's side. It still hurts that I prioritized my cousin B and his daughter, and I get no reciprocity. Cousin B hangs out with cousin A and his sister. I don't know if this matters, but my sister is invited by cousin B's wife to their house. My sister thinks the wife is weird and felt it was wrong that they didn't come to my son's Birthday party. She won't meddle, which is fine. My dad, on the other hand, is very hurt (he was close to cousin B) and wants me to cut them off. He won't go to my niece's party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I moved back because of family; I guess I created a fantasy in my head that the three little cousins would become close. My son has a younger sister. My nephew and niece don't have siblings. This is it; this is the only peer group they have at this age. No other cousins from my spouse's side. It still hurts that I prioritized my cousin B and his daughter, and I get no reciprocity. Cousin B hangs out with cousin A and his sister. I don't know if this matters, but my sister is invited by cousin B's wife to their house. My sister thinks the wife is weird and felt it was wrong that they didn't come to my son's Birthday party. She won't meddle, which is fine. My dad, on the other hand, is very hurt (he was close to cousin B) and wants me to cut them off. He won't go to my niece's party.

Oh FFS. You're not entitled to reciprocity! This kind of behavior would definitely lead me to distance myself from you and your dad. Your dad is a grown man and needs to put the child first and not be such a fusser!

I suspect your relatives are keeping you at arms' length because if they give you an inch you'll try to take a mile.

[Anonymous]

Ok, previous poster here - wth? I was on your side, but now your dad's not going to the party, you might go and ream them out... and who knows, maybe your sister will show up and tell Cousin B's wife that she's weird??
These people invited you to their child's bday party. Go, or don't go. But jeez, with the amount of vitrol you are spewing on your behalf, your dad's, and your sister's, I wouldn't be surprised if cousin b & his wife know how you feel about them, and maybe they are keeping a little distant bc you all are so tough on them.