A Toast to all of Us with Difficult, Ornery, Hateful Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

I've posted quite a bit here. I just spoke with a friend about the death of her mom and it had me in tears because of the beauty of her mom's behavior, the sadness of my friend's loss and because I will never know what it's like to experience a parent's grace with aging. Her mom came to terms with her illness quickly, appreciated how fortunate she had been to have such an amazing life. She gave her kids permission to take care of themselves and their family and not stand vigil. She was gracious and loving to her hired caregivers and thankful for each and every visit from kids and grandkids. No matter how little you did it was enough and if you did too much, she insisted you do more self-care.

My friend asked me about my ongoing experience with my own mother. I felt like Kate McKinnon in that old sketch on SNL about encounters with space alien. I didn't want my sweet friend to feel sorry for me in her time of grief or to feel guilty sharing what a beautiful person her mother was until the end, so I said that's a story for another time, but she knew my mom well enough to know it was no fairy tale.

I commiserate with my friends who have angry, hostile, difficult elderly parents and live vicariously through my friends who don't and I am happy for them. Nobody should deal with this.

So, yes, caregivers are not thanked. They quit even with extra pay and tips and I have wondered if I should also give another big parting bonus to help pay for the therapy needed to recover from the experience. One beautiful soul who endured my mother for a while confided in me she prayed for me because she knew if my mom was so difficult for her, she must be far worse to me (and she witnessed it some). I have been insulted more times than I can count. I have spent a small fortune on therapy and the new health issues I developed even with setting boundaries. I have had far too many heart palpitation, pain and nausea experiences after a visit where I had to wonder if it was anxiety or warranted a trip to the ER. I am on a break from her and i can not see the dark humor in it all and not find it quite as painful. In fact, I think the hostile poster on this board who keeps guilt tripping and insulting caregivers who vent should try becoming a 24-7 caregiver to my mother for a week. Heck, she should just be a caregiver to my mom for a day-even a few hours might do it. If she isn't suicidal, she will at least be traumatized enough that she will have a lot more empathy for people here.

So a toast to those of us who have to find ways to salvage and protect whatever mental health we have left. A toast to those of us whom get insults hurled on a regular basis along with guilt trips and other manipulations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheers!

I dealt with well-meaning friends who offered me kind words and support on the aftermath of my father’s death. In reality, my mental health vastly improved after he died; he had verbally and physically abused me and we had no relationship. He was a mean, angry, highly functioning alcoholic. I found amazing peace and healing through therapy and grief counseling and a new medication!

I am so glad you found peace and healing through therapy.

I remember telling my therapist she has changed into a different person so the therapist asked me what she was like before. She wanted to hear all the lovely memories I had. I couldn't think of any. Basically I did whatever she wanted to please her and avoid her wrath and really the only difference on her part was she wasn't quite as abrasive from the get go-she could turn it on. She had more charm and acting skill. She had other people to meet her need for attention and she had other outlets for her anger and distractions. I realized the empathy I thought she had was all for show and behind closed doors I remember her saying appalling things that showed no empathy. The cognitive dissonance made me explain away all those moments. There were so many things she did that broke with my illusion she cared about me and cared about others beyond what they could for her. Now she can't really act as well, though she still puts on a little show for some at first.

I actually dread her funeral one day and being asked to share a loving story. I think I will just say to give the generic-she was a great person speech because that is what she wants, but I don't have the stories to paint the picture. I dread people saying "I am sorry for your loss" because I cannot admit the loss will be the loss of insults, the loss of stress, the loss of tirades, the loss of her words and actions strangling me. I will feel guilty for those feelings and the only tears will be for myself enduring all that and feeling unsupported. At the same time I know I will feel tremendous relief that the reign of terror is over.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's ok to not be your mother's caregiver. What would happen if you just stopped?

As for her funeral, will other people mourn her? Do you need to even have one? You definitely don't need to say anything. Many close family members do not speak because they are too upset. You will also be too upset...just perhaps not the way others are thinking. That's ok.

[Anonymous]

Being a caregiver to an elderly person is already very difficult, and it’s so much worse if they’re abusive (whether because of personality, cognitive decline or both). It also sucks that one of the best ways to make it better is to have more than one caregiver there, but it’s so expensive and awful that it’s too often one person alone.

It’s perfectly natural to feel relief when someone dies after a long illness or decline even if you loved them dearly. Nobody wishes someone had more days in diapers, or more nights suffering from paranoid delusions. You morn the time before that, and if you’ve been a caregiver you’ve been traveling in grief for some time.

If you don’t have friends who have been through it, it can be good to find a support group because there are definitely people out there who understand.

[Anonymous]

Yes. My parents are not ornery, but they are beset by anxiety and self-imposed restrictions regarding their own care, which makes helping them difficult.

My MIL, on the other hand, is the shining example of how to manage very heavy diagnoses with grace. Even under great pain, she never asks what we cannot give, she never vituperates or lashes out. I only wish to age like her... hopefully without her ailments, though!

[Anonymous]

Hey OP - I hear you and feel you, too! I'm at a good place with my mom at this moment (maybe over a month??) - but I never know how long it will last, what will trip her into a mean, nasty, bitter old lady. She has hurled horrible insults at me, sneered and said nasty things to me, the whole works. I didn't realize until the last 10 years or so that what she has been dishing out to me since my childhood is classic emotional abuse. She is pushing 90 and the only saving grace is she is getting forgetful and a little more pleasant to be around.

I feel guilty writing something bad about her considering how nice to me she has been lately.

Anyway, I have vented to friends over the years, only for them to look at me, horrified, not believing a word I say.
That I must be exaggerating. And they look at me with a little less friendship in their heart.

I don't know if I have any advice for you other than find a way to love yourself a little more. Compartmentalize your feelings for her. It's all about her and not about you.

[Anonymous]

I am barely holding on as am the full caretaker of a parent. This is the worst experience I have every been through, and fear I’m headed for a breakdown. She constantly reminds me that she gave birth to me and it is owed to her. She views me as a child and tries to parent me with her rules. There is nothing I can do to ever be good enough, although she is a different person when on the phone to others, leaving the crazy out just to me. Sundown and weekends are the hardest. G-d help me please, I so understand OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am barely holding on as am the full caretaker of a parent. This is the worst experience I have every been through, and fear I’m headed for a breakdown. She constantly reminds me that she gave birth to me and it is owed to her. She views me as a child and tries to parent me with her rules. There is nothing I can do to ever be good enough, although she is a different person when on the phone to others, leaving the crazy out just to me. Sundown and weekends are the hardest. G-d help me please, I so understand OP

Honestly, you don’t owe it to her. She decided to have a baby, and the classic “I didn’t ask to be born” if fair in a situation where you’re being abused. Can you audio record some of her craziness with your phone? If it’s crippling you emotionally to deal with her, figure out a way to back off. People here can give you some ideas. Does she live with you? Backing away from someone who mistreats you is the most basic of self-care. She sounds horrible and you sound like you’re trying and doing more than you should. Put your own oxygen mask on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am barely holding on as am the full caretaker of a parent. This is the worst experience I have every been through, and fear I’m headed for a breakdown. She constantly reminds me that she gave birth to me and it is owed to her. She views me as a child and tries to parent me with her rules. There is nothing I can do to ever be good enough, although she is a different person when on the phone to others, leaving the crazy out just to me. Sundown and weekends are the hardest. G-d help me please, I so understand OP

Honestly, you don’t owe it to her. She decided to have a baby, and the classic “I didn’t ask to be born” if fair in a situation where you’re being abused. Can you audio record some of her craziness with your phone? If it’s crippling you emotionally to deal with her, figure out a way to back off. People here can give you some ideas. Does she live with you? Backing away from someone who mistreats you is the most basic of self-care. She sounds horrible and you sound like you’re trying and doing more than you should. Put your own oxygen mask on.

Did you ever hear the song "No Charge". My mother bought it and it seemed like it was intended to underline her sacrifice. I hated that song.

[Anonymous]

I am one of the other posters venting here about being a caregiver. Thank you OP for your post. It made me feel a little less alone.

[Anonymous]

I feel and support all of you here. In our case my husband is the main caregiver for his mother, and it has reminded me how much of this can be about gender. He is stressed by their arguments, but there is a certain amount of abuse that men seem just not to take, maybe because society does not expect them to. He will just walk out or stop responding, and when the day comes I expect he will move her to a nursing home without much guilt.

[Anonymous]

After 12 years of abuse and insanity we just appointed a guardian for my MIL. It’s an extreme solution for an extremely difficult situation but thankful to free my husband before the stress kills him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel and support all of you here. In our case my husband is the main caregiver for his mother, and it has reminded me how much of this can be about gender. He is stressed by their arguments, but there is a certain amount of abuse that men seem just not to take, maybe because society does not expect them to. He will just walk out or stop responding, and when the day comes I expect he will move her to a nursing home without much guilt.

And society will commend him for doing all he did up until that point. Society would demonize a female who did the same thing. It's like when you have your baby at the pediatrician and nobody bats an eyelash, but one day your husband brings the baby-just once-and everyone is telling him what a great dad he is and commending him.

Regardless, my heart goes out to you and your husband and I am glad he can set boundaries without guilt. That is a good thing.