Reply to A Toast to all of Us with Difficult, Ornery, Hateful Elderly Parents

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[quote=Anonymous]  I've posted quite a bit here. I just spoke with a friend about the death of her mom and it had me in tears because of the beauty of her mom's behavior, the sadness of my friend's loss and because I will never know what it's like to experience a parent's grace with aging. Her mom came to terms with her illness quickly, appreciated how fortunate she had been to have such an amazing life. She gave her kids permission to take care of themselves and their family and not stand vigil. She was gracious and loving to her hired caregivers and thankful for each and every visit from kids and grandkids. No matter how little you did it was enough and if you did too much, she insisted you do more self-care.

My friend asked me about my ongoing experience with my own mother. I felt like Kate McKinnon in that old sketch on SNL about encounters with space alien. I didn't want my sweet friend to feel sorry for me in her time of grief or to feel guilty sharing what a beautiful person her mother was until the end, so I said that's a story for another time, but she knew my mom well enough to know it was no fairy tale.

I commiserate with my friends who have angry, hostile, difficult elderly parents and live vicariously through my friends who don't and I am happy for them. Nobody should deal with this.

So, yes, caregivers are not thanked. They quit even with extra pay and tips and I have wondered if I should also give another big parting bonus to help pay for the therapy needed to recover from the experience. One beautiful soul who endured my mother for a while confided in me she prayed for me because she knew if my mom was so difficult for her, she must be far worse to me (and she witnessed it some). I have been insulted more times than I can count. I have spent a small fortune on therapy and the new health issues I developed even with setting boundaries. I have had far too many heart palpitation, pain and nausea experiences after a visit where I had to wonder if it was anxiety or warranted a trip to the ER. I am on a break from her and i can not see the dark humor in it all and not find it quite as painful. In fact, I think the hostile poster on this board who keeps guilt tripping and insulting caregivers who vent should try becoming a 24-7 caregiver to my mother for a week. Heck, she should just be a caregiver to my mom for a day-even a few hours might do it. If she isn't suicidal, she will at least be traumatized enough that she will have a lot more empathy for people here.

So a toast to those of us who have to find ways to salvage and protect whatever mental health we have left. A toast to those of us whom get insults hurled on a regular basis along with guilt trips and other manipulations. [/quote]

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