Suggestions for helping daughter become more independent with appearance
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Anonymous
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My daughter has ADHD and high-functioning ASD. She is now 18 years old and a senior in high school. She is an amazing kid with so much going for her, and I think she is going to find her way as an adult, although things are coming along much slower than others her age. She still needs some help with making herself look presentable, hopefully that doesn't sound too negative. She is impulsive and constantly on the go, so she just pulls whatever she finds in her closet, hurriedly throws a brush through her hair and goes. Which is fine at times, but that is her everyday routine. She is however very good about basic cleanliness - showering, brushing teeth, deodorant, etc.
When we have any kind of event or outing that requires more grooming, she is reluctant to change the way she dresses, and then relies on me to pick out her outfit, fix her hair, etc. Lately, as she is getting older, I am trying to help her understand that as she transitions into college, internships and work, she will need to put so more effort into her appearance on some days. I don't expect her to wear make-up or take an hour to fix her hair, but just want her to understand that she needs to think about if the clothes match and are appropriate for where she is going and that her hair needs to look minimally groomed. She has long, semi-wavy, thick hair which is very beautiful, but unfortunately requires a little effort to tame. She is a very naturally beautiful girl. I love her the way she is, but now that she is an adult, running out of the house every day in sweats with a half-up ponytail, sometimes with food on her shirt from breakfast, could impact her ability to get or stay in jobs, etc. It usually results in an argument if I bring this up. Any suggestions as to how to make things easier for her as far as fixing her hair and helping her understand that I am not being critical, I am just trying to teach her about social norms that she is not picking up on herself. |
Anonymous
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Wotan that hair, it helps to braid it every night with a little product. Then she can unbraid it if she has time and it will be in near waves or leave it braided and it will look neat. My 16 year old with ASD does this.
Another thing that helps is that my DD has a special occasion uniform. It’s a winter dressy outfit and a summer dressy outfit. No decision making or negotiating required. For school or work every day, the “uniform” approach also can work. |
Anonymous
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Ok, so explain to her that you know she doesn't like to spend a lot of time getting dressed. So you are going to teach her how to do it efficiently, and this will make it easier for her.
1) Get her a haircut so it is as short as she'll agree to, and so the split ends are gone. If you aren't happy with your conditioner do some research and find a new one. See if you can get the stylist to thin her hair a bit, makes it a lot easier and will look basically the same. 2) Go through her clothes, toss anything that's in bad condition. Then you need to streamline her wardrobe. With my DD who has inattentive ADD, I really prefer to have plain bottoms-- all are black, gray, or dark blue. All socks are those colors too. Then, only tops that go with all of those bottoms, for example you might have a purple top that looks fine with blue, gray, or black. Anything that doesn't fit this system gets put in a closet or box somewhere, a place where it's slightly harder to access. The path of least resistance for her should be a dark neutral colored bottom, socks same color, and any top that is weather-appropriate. |
Anonymous
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OP
Please do not do braids or cut her hair. OMG no. |
Anonymous
If you do not have a special needs child or a child with ADHD please do not comment. These kids have unique needs. I have a NT daughter who has "messy" days, but she knows how to pull herself together independently for different situations or occasions. This is a case of an older ASD child needing support with life skills as she transitions into adulthood, so that she can be as successful as her NT peers (as she is just as smart and capable). |
Anonymous
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If cost is not an option, how about scheduling a blowout where she gets her hair cut or at one of those blow dry places. The set appointment might help some with structure.
If she needs to occasionally wear makeup, get her a makeup “uniform”. Go to Nordstrom, (Sephora is too chaotic, Blue Mercury is nice but pricey) and have a makeup artist teach her. Tell them you need a very basic light makeup look. Some girls do need makeup. I am very short and looked like I was 12 in college, so it definitely helped. If she doesn’t need it even better. Try a lower price point brand like Clinique. Even better if she has a girlfriend to take her. I agree with the dress “uniform” idea. Dresses, tights and cardigan that mix and match. Skirt and top might be harder because it is more items to coordinate. Also, look at her peers and see what the girls are wearing. Try to come up with a fool proof mix and match version. I live within walking distance of a college and see mostly short dresses with cardigans, bare legs (or tights when it’s cold) and chunky shoes. So many Doc Martens now! Good luck! |
Anonymous
| I have a similar DD, OP. In our case, she also wears clothes that are too small or summer clothes in winter (beyond what a typical teen would do). I like the idea of a “uniform.” I don’t want to transmit any negative messages about her appearance, so I’m never quite sure how to encourage hair brushing, clothing choices, etc. |
Anonymous
I pack up the seasonally inappropriate clothes. There is a box in the closet labeled Summer on one side and Winter on the other. Out of sight out of mind. If she asks for something she is welcome to get it out. As for too small clothes, they vanish from the laundry somehow. It's a mystery. If she asks, I suggest she organize her drawers to find them. |
Anonymous
Just a 1/4 inch trim to take off damaged ends will make a huge difference in ease of brushing. |
Anonymous
No, they don't! |
Anonymous
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I agree with the uniform idea in theory, but...
My teen son has ADHD/HFA, and we're deep in the presentation battles. The only time I make progress is when something becomes routine. The problem is that dressing for an interview is different from dressing for a casual get-together, and people with HFA have issues with assessing social situations in the first place! I had to pick his outfit when he had a college interview. I need to remind him to cut his nails, or get a haircut. He's very thin, and sometimes his pants are lower than what's appropriate, but he doesn't see it as a problem until I point it out. Sigh. |
Anonymous
NP. Although I am the parent of a dc with ASD, I * myself* keep my wardrobe REALLY simple and 'uniform'. It helps me to easily look put together each day without stress, and i know they fit and are not scratchy or weird. I know what I'm wearing at Thanksgiving and Christmas haha! It's a good idea for OP's dd. I'd get her a few similar 'interview/intern' outfits. |
Anonymous
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The “uniform” approach has worked for 15 year old DS. For school and casual places we got him sweats and hoodies that are in style and fit appropriately. He was reluctant to get rid of his old clothes that were too small and didn’t fit in with what high school boys wear. Now he just rotates these new clothes.
We got him one “dressy” outfit that he wears to nice dinners, church, holidays or whatever. DS is very motivated because he wants to make friends and fit in a little better at school. I asked him to pay attention to what other boys were wearing at school. So for example one morning I’d tell him to look at sweatshirts. Another day would be haircuts. |
Anonymous
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The routine and having a much cooler aunt help out were key for us. I also had to let go of closet organization. DD has a quarterly even where she tries on everything in her closet and gets rid of things that don’t fit or aren’t her style anymore. This happens right before her cool aunt comes to town to take her shopping. The goal is to get 10 casual/ school-appropriate outfits, 5 casual weekend outfits, and 2 dressy outfits. SIL is amazing at this.
The outfits get hung together in the closet. We talk about what kind of day/ event it is. Too small clothes also disappear on laundry day, and stained clothes also get pulled out for “treatment”. We also have a box for favorites that no longer fit so they can be visited but not worn. One sweater got turned into a pillow with a piece kept as a fidget with a marble inside. |
Anonymous
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I love the uniform idea!
To be honest, her "going to school" look sounds like most neurotypical teens right now. I see lots of pajama pants and messy hair when I drop my high school freshman off. Can she do a messy bun? I'd hang two "nicer" outfits on one side of her closet. Even better if the pieces mix and match. |