Having a hard time accepting my dad has a girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Yes I know that ultimately it's not my business.
Mom has been gone for several years and I should be happy he's got someone who makes him happy. I actually am happy about that.
It's just so weird

[Anonymous]

How old is your dad? How old is his girlfriend? Does she work, have kids, grandchildren?
Is she his first girlfriend after your mom?

[Anonymous]

I imagine life is incredibly lonely after you've had the experience of sharing it with someone. What about it do you not want to accept?

[Anonymous]

It’s totally normal to feel both weird and happy for him. It’s ok, OP. You don’t have to feel bad that you also think it’s weird. Just don’t make your dad feel bad or like he has done anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

It's normal to feel this way, hon. A new relationship brings change and complexity, and of course there's always the potential for your dad to be hurt and exploited. I think the expectation that adult children roll out the welcome wagon is toxic positivity-- the real world is just harder and sadder than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your dad? How old is his girlfriend? Does she work, have kids, grandchildren?
Is she his first girlfriend after your mom?

My dad is 56 and his girlfriend is 47 so the age difference is fine. She has one daughter who is my daughter's age. My dad has me and my brother and 3 grandchildren between us. They both still work.
Yes this is the first girlfriend after losing my mom.
I'm not mad at him for dating at all. It's been 3 years since mom died and dad is still relatively young so I get it.
She's perfectly nice and hasn't been pushy at all.

My dad has been respectful about it too not pushing her on us.

It's just weird. Weird seeing him with someone who is not my mom I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's normal to feel this way, hon. A new relationship brings change and complexity, and of course there's always the potential for your dad to be hurt and exploited. I think the expectation that adult children roll out the welcome wagon is toxic positivity-- the real world is just harder and sadder than that.

Yep, this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your dad? How old is his girlfriend? Does she work, have kids, grandchildren?
Is she his first girlfriend after your mom?

My dad is 56 and his girlfriend is 47 so the age difference is fine. She has one daughter who is my daughter's age. My dad has me and my brother and 3 grandchildren between us. They both still work.
Yes this is the first girlfriend after losing my mom.
I'm not mad at him for dating at all. It's been 3 years since mom died and dad is still relatively young so I get it.
She's perfectly nice and hasn't been pushy at all.

My dad has been respectful about it too not pushing her on us.

It's just weird. Weird seeing him with someone who is not my mom I guess.

This is a stage of grief of losing a parent (although not often talked about). It’s natural to be upset about this because it’s a constant reminder your mom is gone. Do you have a therapist or grief counselor that you can work with to help process your feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I imagine life is incredibly lonely after you've had the experience of sharing it with someone. What about it do you not want to accept?

+1 My father died at 52, leaving my mother a widow at 46. We were really happy for her when she found a BF remarried 51. I was 26, my siblings were 33, 29 and 28. It could be kind of odd because they were living in my childhood home and we were all used to treating it as our home. My mother's DH had 6 kids, the youngest was my age. It was kind of odd having someone else treat 'my' home as 'their' home. I mean, they weren't living there but their dad was and he and my mom made it clear they were just as welcome anytime like we were. That was the correct thing to do, just a little odd for us.

My mom is now 82 and widowed again (two DHs, with marriages 23+ years each). She's lonely. I wish she'd find someone. My grandmother, my mom's mom, was similarly twice widowed and missing having someone in her life like that. Glad my DH is 4.5 years younger than me. Maybe I won't be widowed too early!

[Anonymous]

Your feelings are totally normal, but if you can, try to think of it as a testament to their marriage. IME the ones who find love again quickly do so because they had such a good experience the first time, they can’t handle the idea of being alone. I watched this with my cousin who lost the love of his life. His daughters struggled with feeling like mom was “replaced,” even though the new woman to her credit did try to honor her memory. OTOH my widowed grandmothers, both of whom had crappy marriages and were widowed early, never looked at a man again and had great sunset years solo, 😆

[Anonymous]

My friend’s mother passed away from cancer after a long and happy marriage to her father. He met a nice and accomplished widow several years ago and are planning a wedding soon. My friend said she is having a harder time than anticipated with all the changes. Her dad and his fiancee are completely remodeling her childhood home and replacing all the furniture. Her dad dresses differently and has adopted his fiancee’s hobbies and friends.

[Anonymous]

My dad died at 55 and my mom hasn’t gone on a single date twenty years later. She’s spent two decades focusing every day on her loss rather than actually living. It’s so horrible. I know it’s hard, but what your dad is doing is ultimately a very good thing.

[Anonymous]

Kiss that inheritance goodbye if he marries.

[Anonymous]

Your brain is restructuring what your future looks like. It’s normal.

[Anonymous]

Just make sure you talk about what to do with your mother's things (like jewelry) because it can be very painful watching those turn up on the new gf.