How does your kid join a group of kids to play together?

[Anonymous]

My kid has some social delay and not good at picking up some subtle social cues, but he has been trying hard to improve on these. I want to say, for example at playground or at an event, how does your social butterfly join a group of random kids (could be same age, younger or older or a mix) to play together ?

My kid (8 year old) does observation and eavesdropping what they are playing or discussing first, find opportunities to get closer and closer, and then sit or stand next to them, and at the end kind of join them or ask to join them at the end. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it does not work. The group are aware of his existence and him getting closer and closer to them.

[Anonymous]

My kid went up to them and asked “hey, can I play?”

[Anonymous]

Goes after any stray ball that rolls close to him and throws it back to the other kids. Repeat again and again and again. Next thing you know, he's in the game. Never says, "Hi, my name is" or "Can I play?"

[Anonymous]

Hi my name is Larlo. Can I join your party please?

[Anonymous]

My social butterfly doesn’t try to break into groups. He finds people on the edge (on the way back from the bathroom, hanging out separately for whatever reason), and approaches the one kid alone. It’s really hard to break into a group that’s engaged in an activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid has some social delay and not good at picking up some subtle social cues, but he has been trying hard to improve on these. I want to say, for example at playground or at an event, how does your social butterfly join a group of random kids (could be same age, younger or older or a mix) to play together ?

My kid (8 year old) does observation and eavesdropping what they are playing or discussing first, find opportunities to get closer and closer, and then sit or stand next to them, and at the end kind of join them or ask to join them at the end. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it does not work. The group are aware of his existence and him getting closer and closer to them.

My son is 9. He is a gregarious kid who is a typical social butterfly. With a group of random kids, he will ask to play whatever game they are playing. I notice that he has a good instinct about asking the kid who is second or third in command to the ringleader. He’s not picky about who he will hang out with - younger kids, older kids, girls, sporty, non sporty. We used to live in Manhattan, so he is used to a lot of impromptu play dates with random kids at the park. The other kids at the park were pretty forward about asking to play, so he followed their example.

There was a boy who wanted to join my son’s group at recess last year (second grade). He would watch them and when asked if he wanted to join their game (recess monitors were watching, so the kids know they have to be inclusive), he tried to stand out by criticizing the other kids and getting overly upset when he didn’t win, so it didn’t go well. This year, my son said the boy watches, but when asked to join in, he is nice to everyone and doesn’t complain about unfair play or losing anymore, so they are happy to have him join. The fact that your son is trying to join even though it’s intimidating is very brave.

Does your school have a recess monitor? Can you ask how it’s going and see if they can steer your kid toward groups that would be more accepting? My kid has recess three times a day and it’s a major socialization time for the kids. Some recess monitors just stand around, but others look out for kids who are trying to find friends. Recess can be overwhelming for some kids because it’s a free for all with no designated groups.

[Anonymous]

This is op. My kid has no problem finding kids to play at school recess because it is only 30 min a day and all kids go to the same playground.

A few years back, he used to ask random group at playground to join, but he could not handle his emotions and got some tears when he was rejected a few times. So, I think he had changed his approach to do slow, and making observation first on the side. He is so stubborn or cannot figure out that he has an option to look for kids that seem to be nicer or loner or come in by self. He just want to target group that seem to be playing fun games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid went up to them and asked “hey, can I play?”

Same here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is op. My kid has no problem finding kids to play at school recess because it is only 30 min a day and all kids go to the same playground.

A few years back, he used to ask random group at playground to join, but he could not handle his emotions and got some tears when he was rejected a few times. So, I think he had changed his approach to do slow, and making observation first on the side. He is so stubborn or cannot figure out that he has an option to look for kids that seem to be nicer or loner or come in by self. He just want to target group that seem to be playing fun games.

Does he have a friend from his class that he can ask? My 10 year old plays with various groups at recess, but mostly sticks with his classroom buddies. They go out to recess together and stay together.

[Anonymous]

Mine often is in the group but I've heard many kids just ask to join. No one's ever been turned down. Same gender at that age makes it easier.

[Anonymous]

My 6 yo DD will ask kids if she can join their game, but based on her self-reports, gets turned down fairly regularly. The first two weeks of K she was almost always told there was no more space in the game for other kids. Anyone else experience this? She's not socially odd or off that I've noticed, has had good friends in preschool, etc.

[Anonymous]

I think this is so normal. Heck, if I'm out and about without any friends somewhere, I have a very hard time entering conversations! And I'm someone who appears to be at ease socially. I don't think he's doing anything wrong?

Does he friends and is otherwise OK at school? Are you just wondering what he should do when you go to the park?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 6 yo DD will ask kids if she can join their game, but based on her self-reports, gets turned down fairly regularly. The first two weeks of K she was almost always told there was no more space in the game for other kids. Anyone else experience this? She's not socially odd or off that I've noticed, has had good friends in preschool, etc.

At this age, I think the adults in the room need to facilitate inclusive play. When my kids were that age, there were recess monitors who made sure kids were being kind and playing with different groups of kids. Saying there is no more space is a passive aggressive way for the group to exclude your daughter. Kids at this age need a lot of modeling and positive reinforcement on how to be kind. During my kid’s time in Prek and K, I contacted the teachers exactly one time (kids were using each other’s water bottles), so I’m not one to rush to ask for teacher intervention. But in this case, I would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 6 yo DD will ask kids if she can join their game, but based on her self-reports, gets turned down fairly regularly. The first two weeks of K she was almost always told there was no more space in the game for other kids. Anyone else experience this? She's not socially odd or off that I've noticed, has had good friends in preschool, etc.

K is hard if the other kids were in the same preschool. I think the OP was asking about random playground encounters. In your case, figure out if there are kids not in the core clique and can she play with them? Also...reach out to the teacher to see if the teacher can help facilitate interaction between groups. Over time, the preschool clique will open up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is so normal. Heck, if I'm out and about without any friends somewhere, I have a very hard time entering conversations! And I'm someone who appears to be at ease socially. I don't think he's doing anything wrong?

Does he friends and is otherwise OK at school? Are you just wondering what he should do when you go to the park?

I think OP can see that her son really wants to join the group and that is why he is lingering at the fringe, hoping to find a way in. I don’t think you are going to parties and watching groups of people, listening to their conversations and inching closer and closer in hopes of joining!

I have seen this happen with my son’s group of 4 or 5 friends last month. Another boy was following them and not saying a word. The group sat on the grass to talk and the other boy stood a few feet away, watching. It was a weird dynamic - the group of boys, including my son, just completely ignored this kid and didn’t even look at him. I asked my son to include him, and he shrugged and said, “he’s always following us”. It wasn’t nice at all. This happened at school, but not during school hours, so I was the only adult there. I ended up trying to have my own conversation with the kid and eventually he left to join his parents. I should have done something else, but I couldn’t think of anything in the moment. As a minority kid in the Deep South, I was usually on the outside looking in, so I have a lot of empathy for kids who just want to join a group. I understand OP’s concerns.