Anyone have a sibling pull this when it comes to aging parent

[Anonymous]

I have communicated many times over the years with my sister regarding mom's decline and her lashing out at me and my concerns about her functioning. Common scenario-sister lives far away, comes to town and mom keeps it together for her. I even got an outside professional involved. My sister insisted I was wrong, she is fine, and I should just "go get a massage" and all will be fine. Mom's lashing out has meant doctors, and other professionals have fired her including the geriatric social worker I hired. She functions OK cognitively and I suspect it's more a frontal lobe issue. One professional convinced her to do therapy and meds, but she stick with it. Well due to an ongoing family emergency I have needed to back away completely and now sister is forced to come to town more and deal with mom. Mom lashes out at her now. Instead of saying "you are right, she needs more help and something is wrong" she declares that mom has SUDDENLY declined because I have backed off and I am causing mom considerable distress and I am 100% responsible for all that goes wrong. There.are.no.words. I have professional evaluations of mom. I could go on and on but instead I am just going to keep focusing on my own family crisis and give up defending myself. We were never close and will have no relationship when this is all over. She gaslights everyone in her life so I should have expected this. Mom suddenly has dementia because of me!

[Anonymous]

Boy, I bet there is way more to this story than you are telling us.

[Anonymous]

Your sister sounds like a jerk. Have you put together a portfolio of documents and a chronology? Can you move your mother to live near your sister?

[Anonymous]

Yes have been there. Let her do her turn. Focus on your well being and the well being of your family for now. The most I would do is send your sister any documentation you have, if you have not already done so.

[Anonymous]

Sis: Mom was really crazy angry today. It’s definitely because you haven’t been around. That’s what’s causing the decline.
You: That’s one possibility. Her meds needed to be refilled. I’ve put the order in and will pick it up. I’ve got to go now.

Stop expecting some grand realization or acknowledgment around what you’ve been dealing with. It’s not coming. It’s not the greatest feeling, but you can live with it. What’s most important is that your sibling is here now helping with your mother’s care. You don’t need an award or a pound of flesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes have been there. Let her do her turn. Focus on your well being and the well being of your family for now. The most I would do is send your sister any documentation you have, if you have not already done so.

Thanks. It helps to hear from people who get it. Yes, even had a top neurologist contact her. Oh and she is doctor herself-internal medicine and she apparently knows more than a neurologist!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister sounds like a jerk. Have you put together a portfolio of documents and a chronology? Can you move your mother to live near your sister?

Thanks. I wish! Mom won't move and her home is not good for aging even with modifications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sis: Mom was really crazy angry today. It’s definitely because you haven’t been around. That’s what’s causing the decline.
You: That’s one possibility. Her meds needed to be refilled. I’ve put the order in and will pick it up. I’ve got to go now.

Stop expecting some grand realization or acknowledgment around what you’ve been dealing with. It’s not coming. It’s not the greatest feeling, but you can live with it. What’s most important is that your sibling is here now helping with your mother’s care. You don’t need an award or a pound of flesh.

I agree. I have to accept she will never get it. She isn't helping much and her solution is to blame me, not get the right placement. I do try what you mention, but she just turns it around blames me so I am just not responding to it. Too much going on to keep up the back and forth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boy, I bet there is way more to this story than you are telling us.

Actually there is. She pulled this with dad, but luckily our stepmother and I were on the same page and we ignored her denial. Even after seeing a brain scan she insisted he had some very sudden for of brain deterioration, not that the decline had been going on for a while. She goes into denial about her own mental and physical health as well. If my stepmother were still alive at least I'd have someone else who understands what it is like to try to collaborate with someone who is not living in reality and just blames others.