How to accept my SN child fully

[Anonymous]

My daughter is 5 and has ASD, anxiety, SPD (which yes, I know isn’t its own thing, for the poster who likes to point that out, but it’s a big part of her experience). She’s also very defiant and makes dangerous choices and has some difficult behaviors. Parenting her is hard and has been all of her life. She’s also charming and fun and can be joyful and fun to be around, so there are certainly good things too. My therapist has said I need to work on accepting my child as she is and not as I hoped she’d be. I have no idea how to do that. If you’ve been able to, how did you get there?

[Anonymous]

My situation is different because my kid has profound intellectual disability and autism. I’ve had to accept:

I love my kid, but I’m not particularly connected to her. I don’t know what she thinks, likes, etc other than a few preferred foods and TV shows. I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m doing the best I can.

I’ve let go of any ego around having kids that are “successful”. My kid will require 24/7 care forever. She isn’t going to the Ivy League like I did.
Honestly, this has probably been really good for my relationship with my more neurotypical kid thay has an average IQ and low processing speed. She gets zero pressure from me about school. I just want her to be a good human.

I’ve accepted that I cannot protect this kid when I die. She will have a high likelihood of being abused. I cannot do one thing about it once I’m dead. I actually hope she doesn’t outlive me but her genetic disorder doesn’t actually create any medical problems.

I mean some of this is just realizing I have almost no control and coming to terms withr that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is 5 and has ASD, anxiety, SPD (which yes, I know isn’t its own thing, for the poster who likes to point that out, but it’s a big part of her experience). She’s also very defiant and makes dangerous choices and has some difficult behaviors. Parenting her is hard and has been all of her life. She’s also charming and fun and can be joyful and fun to be around, so there are certainly good things too. My therapist has said I need to work on accepting my child as she is and not as I hoped she’d be. I have no idea how to do that. If you’ve been able to, how did you get there?

Revel in her good qualities. What you focus on magnifies. I have a DD with a similar profile and that she was really hard. Nurture her strengths and dive into her interests. As she grows into a bigger person those will become more clear. Try to do the things that are easy/fun for you and her more and let go of the things that are harder for her or that you *think* you should be doing. I was most miserable when I tried to force things, because then it really stood out how different my DD is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is 5 and has ASD, anxiety, SPD (which yes, I know isn’t its own thing, for the poster who likes to point that out, but it’s a big part of her experience). She’s also very defiant and makes dangerous choices and has some difficult behaviors. Parenting her is hard and has been all of her life. She’s also charming and fun and can be joyful and fun to be around, so there are certainly good things too. My therapist has said I need to work on accepting my child as she is and not as I hoped she’d be. I have no idea how to do that. If you’ve been able to, how did you get there?

Revel in her good qualities. What you focus on magnifies. I have a DD with a similar profile and that she was really hard. Nurture her strengths and dive into her interests. As she grows into a bigger person those will become more clear. Try to do the things that are easy/fun for you and her more and let go of the things that are harder for her or that you *think* you should be doing. I was most miserable when I tried to force things, because then it really stood out how different my DD is.

PP I meant that *age* was really hard!

[Anonymous]

Time and maturity--for both of us. It's a process and not something you can rush.

It helped me to really immerse myself in understanding what's happening with my DS--how his brain works and why he's reactive. Also, reading more from autistic adults about what they wanted and needed as kids. It's also helpful to see that kids grow up and become adults!

It's a big challenge to parent someone in a way that is different for what you wanted as a child, or what you want now as a parent. Dr. Dan Shapiro's parent-child journey was helpful for me as well--I was escalating things in the way I was approaching it, and understanding and changing that has made our relationship smoother.

You are in the thick of tough years right now--she will grow and change and have victories that you celebrate. It won't be easy, but it won't always be so hard--and more importantly, you will get to know her better. At a certain point acceptance and understanding converge.

In the meantime, try to protect time for the things that feed your soul, try to give her a little time every day where you have one-on-one time and she's in charge--you're just in her world with her, on her terms.

Be patient and loving with yourself.

[Anonymous]

My difficult SN DD is now 20 and away at college. She is still difficult, there is still drama. And I know there always will be.

As I think about the course of her life, how, over and over, in different ways with different circumstances, I was reminded that she was different, and, difficult.

So, to accept her as she is, involves a bit of loss of hope. Hope that she will "grow up" and evolve into a kinder, less self-centered person, or less dramatic, or whatever the issue is.

So I think, OP, you are in the process of recognizing who your DD is.

An often-overlooked step, which I think is essential to ending up with acceptance, is to mourn what you thought and hoped that your DD would be like.

To sit with whatever it was that you hoped for, and mourn it.

Then you can get on with working with the individual that you have. As you accept who they actually are, it becomes easier.

[Anonymous]

One thing that helps me is to limit my interactions with other parents who have a kid the same age. Every stage brings a milestone that your child won’t meet, or will be different, and for me, it was really painful to have that constant reminder. I have friends who are parents but their kids are different ages and I have friends who have kids with special needs and get how unique and often lonely this road is.

[Anonymous]

Connect with other special needs parents, in real life, support groups, or DCUM. It can feel so isolating to have a kid with behavioral issues. At the worst, I feel like everyone is judging me and seeing a bad parent (even if intellectually I know some people are sympathetic). Having a judgment free space for myself helps me be more sympathetic towards my kid.

I also like to helpful to see parents whose kids have a range of outcomes. On any given day, I can imagine a path where they are thriving, through school, and self supporting. I can also imagine them dropping out of school/in jail/self-medicating. Obviously, I will all that I can to bring about the first scenario. But even if it goes the other way, I will survive and my life won’t be over.

[Anonymous]

Just talking about things matter of fact like they are normal (and they are to me) really helped me. Speaking the words and getting comfortable with talking about our lives. It was no easy thing because some of it felt so embarrassing- like having to call the police on your own child who is violent or calling off work because your kid had to be hospitalized again after another suicide attempt.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thank you for your replies. One person said to only do the things that are easy and fun and to let go of what I think we should be doing. There is literally nothing I can count on to be easy. Nothing. It’s not like trying to make her do ballet or soccer and then feeling sad that she can’t do group classes. We can’t play at home or go to the playground or to the zoo or a farm or a birthday party without something happening (usually a meltdown. Sometimes her attempting to elope. Sometimes just defiance, but that’s hard too.) She’s getting help. I’m getting help. But I think what I need to accept is that EVERYTHING IS HARD. It’s hard for her. It’s hard for me. I can see that but I can’t stop wishing for things to be easier for both of us.

[Anonymous]

*I meant it’s not like I’m trying to take her to ballet or soccer. We gave up those types of things long ago. I’m just trying to do the “easy” things. And they are not easy.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand OP. After my 12yo DD initial diagnosis, I did spend some time crying and mourning the "loss of my completely perfect DD". I guess I felt like I was at a crossroads, I could continue to spend energy to mourn or come out fighting aka keep experimenting at things until we found something that DD loved to do. After LOTS and LOTS of trial and error we found that art, swimming, and horseback riding brought her the most joy. It was just magical how she connected to horses. FYI, there are many therapeutic horseback riding orgs in the area (if your in MoCo) that have therapeutic riding (e.g., https://www.cloverleafequinecenter.org/). But if riding is too much, then just try to do simple things like finding the most colorful leaf at a park, feed ducks at a local pond, collect pinecones, make leaf angels.

I can't force my DD to do things that NT kids her age might like b/c it just sets us up for failure. I too have to meet her where she is and what she's capable of and actually listen to her. This was not an overnight thing, and it does take time.

A while ago, I think I saw the movie "far from the tree" on Amazon Prime and it just totally opened up my eyes. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6848736/

[Anonymous]

5 is hard because it's a time of high energy but especially for kids with SN they are not able to communicate what they want to be doing and when they are overwhelmed and need to leave. That's why you see meltdowns because it's communicating that whatever is going on is too much.

It will get easier OP. You've learned ballet and soccer are not for her right now and that's a start. One day soon you'll find things that are easy and that will be a great day.

I know a few families like PP's whose children have done well with animals. Do you have a pet or can you see how your child does with a small pet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just talking about things matter of fact like they are normal (and they are to me) really helped me. Speaking the words and getting comfortable with talking about our lives. It was no easy thing because some of it felt so embarrassing- like having to call the police on your own child who is violent or calling off work because your kid had to be hospitalized again after another suicide attempt.

I'm really sorry PP and hope your child is doing better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:*I meant it’s not like I’m trying to take her to ballet or soccer. We gave up those types of things long ago. I’m just trying to do the “easy” things. And they are not easy.

Do all your "easy" things involve going out somewhere? If your child has sensory issues going out anywhere may feel like sirens going off in her head. Have you tried headphones?