What is a good way to help support an elderly parent financially?
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Anonymous
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Spouse's parent is single and owns the home free and clear. Other than that he depends on us financially for all expenses. The issue I have is that spending is lavish. Wants to take first class flights (we ourselves never every took first class for example), wants to give expensive gifts to friends/family (things we do not buy ourselves) and generally very nonchalant with money.
Spouse agrees with me on this but unable to limit/control their parent's expenses. We send money quarterly and as does one other sibling. Parent makes my spouse feel guilty for not personally taking care of them after they have raised them all alone as a single parent. How much parent suffered, etc when they were children. One approach I am thinking is to ask for a monthly listing of expenses and we pay only for all essential expenses. Does this sound reasonable or is it insulting? |
Anonymous
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I would send a fixed quarterly amount and STAY STRONG. There's really no solution other than saying no.
Tell your DH you need to save money for later in the parent's life when the need for money will be much greater and 100% genuine. Start an account for that and deposit monthly. If he wants to give his parent more, it comes out of that account. |
Anonymous
| We make 200k and with kids getting close to college we do not have a whole lot of money to spend. We did save well for retirement and in a good position otherwise, but we live modestly. |
Anonymous
OP here. I am DH 
DW is the sweetest and one of the kindest persons I know. So I do not want to give her a hard time at all. Her parent has a vicious explosive temperament, saying things like, "you are the worst child ever", "ungrateful", "you just want me to die", etc. whenever he does not get his way. One of the siblings does not want anything to do with the parent because of abuse (not sexual and in a different country) during childhood, which DW confirms has happened. Though "abuse" is not the word she would use. She has trouble setting boundaries and I just want to help her anyway I can by proposing something like a monthly expense list. What happens is we send money, parent spends on some frivolous things and then there is a real need for medical expenses and we end up footing that bill as well. |
Anonymous
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You can either send a fixed amount and nothing more (if they reach out for more money you can bring up a reverse mortgage so that they can contribute, that might be a scared straight situation), or you can take certain bills (utilities, health care) and pay them directly and nothing more.
Asking for a list of expenses is asking for a drawn-out fight every single month. I wouldn't sign up for that with a reasonable person, let alone a maniac who thinks you should fund their first class flights. |
Anonymous
Well, a monthly expense list isn't going to help if in the end your DW can't say no. And I don't see how this changes without you saying no to your DW. In the nicest possible way, what alternative is there? Inability to manage finances is a sign of dementia. I would bring that up with your DW, and maybe bring it up with your FIL as a warning. You're going to have to be the bad guy here. |
Anonymous
| You have to ignore the guilt trip. Decide what you believe is needed and what you can afford. Then that is it - no negotiations. You can also just volunteer to pay certain bills like utilities. |
Anonymous
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I would suggest you take over some major bills-- utilities, rent/mortgage. That way the money can't be spent on anything else and you know the basics are covered.
Your FIL may have to learn the hard way that you are serious. It sounds like your DW is a people-pleaser and needs therapy and may have PTSD. |
Anonymous
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You cna help your DW by being the bad guy and standing up to FIL. Tell him "This is what we are paying for." Tell him "No" as a complete sentence and let him rage. Don't debate with him, just let him spew his nastiness until he gets tired. Or hang up.
If you pay the basic bills directly, then you'll know he has the essentials covered and your conscience will be clear. Then you can say to your DW that he has everything he needs. If you pay for real estate taxes, utilities, phone, and medical co-pays directly, and give him $100 a week for food, what more is there that's a legitimate expense? Car stuff maybe? |
Anonymous
| This may sound a bit out of left field, but maybe a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University class for you and DW. Just to help get her head straight about using money responsibly for your family and your obligations, and not letting your FIL wreck your finances with his champagne tastes on your beer budget. |
Anonymous
| If he's healthy enough to be jetting around the world on first class flights, he's healthy enough to get a job. I wouldn't send a dime, personally. |
Anonymous
+1 the parent is being manipulative and abusive. You and your DW should not respond to that. You don’t owe the parent anything. If the parent has medical bills or something critical, I might help, but I would also look into getting the parent on state assistance. You need to think about your own family and your own retirement. My parent made a lot of bad financial decisions and squandered a 7 figure retirement fund on affairs and travel. He would have been homeless but for me getting him on government assistance. He will not go hungry, will not be homeless, and has medical care. I was not going to give a dime to help him out. I volunteered my time to get him the services he needed and visit often and take him to appointments. I’m not doing more. |
Anonymous
| My best friend is in a situation like this. In her culture, it is customary for children to provide financial assistance to their parents. It has caused a huge rift in her marriage. Her spouse set up an estate plan without her including trusts for the kids with one of his colleagues as the executor, leaving her the minim required by law from his/their estate so that it wouldn't make sense for her to try to pursue a spousal election. He said he did this because he is concerned she'd spend their college funds and inheritance on her parents if he's not around. I don't know what the answer is in your case, but hopefully you'll do better and come up with a solution together as a family. |
Anonymous
| Pay bills directly and send a gift card for necessities like groceries. And, help them sigh up for food stamps, etc. |
Anonymous
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How much are you sending?
I would send a reasonable fixed amount that you can afford. I would not get an itemized list. That is just asking for a big fight. |