Resent Elderly Mom: Antidepressants for me?

[Anonymous]

I hope I never foist myself on my adult children and live with them with I am elderly. It's too much.

My mom has been with us three months now. She is sucking the emotional and physical life out of me. I wake up each day with dread. I feel quilty because I should be happy she is still alive, there are so many people with parents who have passed.

But she is slowly killing me in the process. It's hell. And I resent her SO much. I didn't invite her, she just assumed she would live with us because I'm the child who stayed in the area. I knew I had to at least try it for her. But it's worse than I thought.

I can't kick her out, she would have nowhere to go. But I look at her and feel such strong dislike, frustration, grief, and sometimes even hate.

Sometimes people on here recommend caregivers get on antidepressants. Am wondering if this a route I should ask my doctor about, but it's unbearable. But would he say, "antidepressants aren't a cure for an overbearing, demanding elderly mother living with you?"

[Anonymous]

Why would she have nowhere to go? Can she rent an apartment, and if not why not? Is it money? Is she incapable of doing basic tasks like cooking, laundry, etc?

[Anonymous]

Before you look at antidepressants for yourself, does your mother need to be on antidepressants?

[Anonymous]

You're killing yourself, OP, and you need to put yourself first.
The best option would be for her to leave - isn't there some Medicaid home she can go to, even far away? You need to visit some and get on waiting lists.

No doctor will refuse meds, but the issue is that they come with side effects for a lot of people, and don't always work as intended.

[Anonymous]

Get on a video call with your siblings and tell them that this isn't working. Ask them for solutions and wait.

You are not fully responsible for your mom. This isn't on you just because you stayed in your hometown.

-your mom rotates every 3 months between houses (this is what most of my elderly relatives do). The sibling will drop them off at the airport and the next sibling picks them up.
-nursing home. Does she have money?
-studio apartment nearby. If she's poor there could be options from your city/county for poor elderly residents.

[Anonymous]

How much does she get monthly from social security? What are her assets? What city, state, county are you located in? A lot of them have elder care services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before you look at antidepressants for yourself, does your mother need to be on antidepressants?

This. +1.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need a social worker to help you sort this out. Your Mom could be moved

[Anonymous]

I know exactly how you feel. My mom came to live with me for a few months and I resented every moment of it. She wasn’t even a difficult person but it ended up being like taking care of another kid. Is she paying you? One thing that made it slightly more bearable was that she paid me rent so I could at least cover the cost of cleaners that had to come more, more food, more utilities,…. But she is on a very limited SS and then I resented that what she paid me was nowhere the rent I could get if I rented out a floor of my house (she had her own basement suite), plus all the other expenses. I felt cornered because my one sibling wouldn’t take her so she had literally no place to go. She didn’t make enough to rent a place and was not able to live independently. It sounds terrible but the saving grace was that she fell, went to the hospital, and I worked with the social worker there to get her into a nursing home that takes Medicaid. She got into one close by and I still see her nearly daily, take her to the doctor, but it’s on my own terms.

[Anonymous]

OP I feel this way and mom never lived with me. I have been dealing with her for years and she gets worse and worse. You need to work with an aging expert to find her a sustainable living situation. She may tantrum and b lame you and be nasty if she is like my mom. I spent a lot of time in therapy dealing with all and trying to be supportive of her. Then major health issues hit my own household and I was able to set more boundaries with her and see how truly selfish and egotistical she was. All that mattered was her own needs. I saw her in a whole new light and realized this has always been her she just veiled it a little better. Save yourself. Find her a place. Figure out your boundaries. We are cheering you on!

[Anonymous]

Can you connect her with a support system so she isn't just a burden on you? Church? Elderly neighbors? Companion? Make your siblings promise to come take turns taking her once a month or something.

[Anonymous]

"I can't kick her out, she would have nowhere to go." -- can you afford assisted living?

Frankly my mom was exhausting even when she was in assisted living but it was much, much less draining than when she lived with me.

[Anonymous]

You work with an aging care expert and find a situation she can afford out of your house. Even once she is out, you have to figure out your boundaries. You visit enough to feel like you are looking out for her without being full of anger and resentment. You have strategies including an exit plan for when she acts up.

Look my mom doesn't even live with me and I was not actively suicidal, but passively so after enough years of her worsening behavior that she saved mostly for me. Someone thought our street may be at risk of a sink hole and all I could think was, OK, well if I die in a sink hole I won't have to hear another outburst of insults from her and I hope my kids and husband do too because if I am gone she will make their lives a living hell and target them. That sort of thinking even when I was already in therapy, together with my mounting number of physical symptoms convinced me my current boundaries were not enough.

I stepped back more and I no longer make apologies for that. She refuses assisted living though she can afford it. Her caregiver tries to guilt trip me and I leave. I lose my will to live being around that too often and I am an optimistic person. Also, my body signals when it's too much with heart palpitations, nausea, migraines, stomach sickness, etc. My goal with boundaries is to be able to be on my best behavior when I see her and to still make my own kids and spouse more of a priority. It's also to be in her life without making myself physically and mentally ill.