Can’t create enough space from a mean neighbor

[Anonymous]

I don’t want to encourage a friendship with our next door neighbor.
He talks back to me and my husband frequently and he’s mean to my son. They are in first grade. He’s made him cry a few times teasing him and some other parents told me that he’s hurt my son at school or practice, nothing major but something along the lines of put your finger here and crushed it. My son doesn’t like to tattle in his friends so when I ask him directly he won’t say much. The kid repeats himself so I’ve seen the trading myself when I have driven him places. Now I’m stopping any kind of car pools or play dates but they are in class together and sit together on the bus. I’ve talked to the parent about some of it but she doesn’t know the full extent. She’s been nice but now knowing even more, I’ve come to the conclusion he’s just not a nice kid at the moment and I think distance is the only option. There’s just way too many things that have happened. Any advice dealing with this with a kid that you can’t escape? My son also wants to be friends with him. He’s not nice to my younger son either and has teased him kr told him he can’t play with them which just isn’t the norm with younger siblings in our social circle and I don’t want it to start now. My boys get along really well and my son loves playing with his younger brother. He’s a really sweet kid and I don’t want this meanness to rub off.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'm not sure I have any advice about how to handle, but I would suggest that maybe the reason your child wants to be friends with this kid is because he thinks if he is friends with him the teasing might stop. He may just be trying to manage or diffuse the situation the only way he knows how; it may not be because he actually likes the child. The kid may also sometimes act like a friend, so it may be confusing for your child: "Why is he sometimes nice to me and often mean to me? Maybe today he will be nice to me." So he continues to be "friends" with the child, even though the kid is treating him badly.

I would call this behavior bullying, because it is targeted verbal and physical abuse that is ongoing. It sounds like other parents have witnessed this behavior and thought that it was significant enough to tell you. You don't mention the kids' teacher--have you ever been contacted by school about this? My guess is no, since you didn't include that in yoru post and since I know from personal experience they often won't share this with a parent, even after your kid comes home with bruises.

I don't want to tell you what to do, I would only say what you already know: Your child/children are your priority, and it's your job to keep them safe. Start with that and think about the different ways you can protect them by distancing them from this child. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

My sons have a friend like that. He’s super obnoxious and rude. We encourage them to play with other kids, but obviously kids have their own preferences. So we insisted that if the kid is mean to younger sibling, our son has to speak up and tell the kid to knock it off. It’s an unpopular opinion here, but there is a great deal of wisdom in kids learning to tell other kids to stop being rude. Rude kids learn that nobody wants to be their friend when they are annoying and your kids learn to protect weaker children and confront bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

Your biggest challenge is that your son wants to be friends with him. That might be difficult to overcome because it sounds like where you can control the distance you are keeping them apart.

You can’t stop them from sitting together on the bus if they want to sit together, and the same in the classroom. What you can do is encourage other friendships and see if there are other kids in his class will ride the bus but you can set up play dates with to see if they can get closer.

[jsmith123]

Anonymous wrote:My sons have a friend like that. He’s super obnoxious and rude. We encourage them to play with other kids, but obviously kids have their own preferences. So we insisted that if the kid is mean to younger sibling, our son has to speak up and tell the kid to knock it off. It’s an unpopular opinion here, but there is a great deal of wisdom in kids learning to tell other kids to stop being rude. Rude kids learn that nobody wants to be their friend when they are annoying and your kids learn to protect weaker children and confront bad behavior.

I agree. We did something similar with my DS and a friend who can play very physically and roughly. My kid would say he didn't like playing like that and just walk away. Ideally the other child learns that kind of behavior won't make him any friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your biggest challenge is that your son wants to be friends with him. That might be difficult to overcome because it sounds like where you can control the distance you are keeping them apart.

You can’t stop them from sitting together on the bus if they want to sit together, and the same in the classroom. What you can do is encourage other friendships and see if there are other kids in his class will ride the bus but you can set up play dates with to see if they can get closer.

+1

[Anonymous]

i would bite my tongue its my bad habit

[Anonymous]

We had a similar situation with the older sibling of my child's friend. This kid had some pathological behaviors from a very young age and if you looked at each instance you might have thought nbd, but after a period of time it just became too much. There was an unprovoked physical altercation/assault, followed by some serious back talking from the offender. We asked the boy to go home and let the parents know to keep the child away from our home. The boys dad marched right over to let us have it and we haven't spoke since.

The kid has changed schools several times for interpersonal issues and doesn't seem to have any friends. That said, it cost my son his friend (the brother of this kid) and has caused some school/friend/group problems. I sometimes wish that we hadn't escalated it because everyone grows up and it's to separate when they grow older.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. We have a neighbor like this. I was surprised to so much meanness in a 3rd grader. What we did was to completely stop playing. This coincided with when it started getting dark outside early so it didn’t stand out. No invites, no going into their house. If kids are outside and interacting, I would hang out in the driveway or call my kid inside after 10 mins. I also called the teacher, explained the situation briefly without ascribing blame (some teasing going on, don’t want Billy to be distracted) and had my kid moved. It took a while but it worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. We have a neighbor like this. I was surprised to so much meanness in a 3rd grader. What we did was to completely stop playing. This coincided with when it started getting dark outside early so it didn’t stand out. No invites, no going into their house. If kids are outside and interacting, I would hang out in the driveway or call my kid inside after 10 mins. I also called the teacher, explained the situation briefly without ascribing blame (some teasing going on, don’t want Billy to be distracted) and had my kid moved. It took a while but it worked.

This was 3 years ago and I am glad we did this. The neighbor’s kid is mean to other kids and slowly fell out of the friend’s group.

[Anonymous]

Don't be afraid to course correct other people's kids - especially if they're at your house.

I've sent kids home because of unkind behavior. And I don't tolerate it at a park or other public spaces with stranger kids, either. I maintain a pretty high threshold for poor behavior at a park and unless it's extreme or involves one of my kids, I adopt a "not my monkeys, not my circus" mentality. But my kids need to see me stand up for them and understand that we shouldn't accept bullying. If that make some adult:adult relationship awkward for me, so be it - they're not my priority.

[Anonymous]

I would be honest with the mom, and say, we need a king break from larlo as he’s been mean too many times, specifically recent incidents x and y. I would tell junior he needs to take a break from larlo until he can learn to be a better friend, stop sitting with him on the bus, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be honest with the mom, and say, we need a king break from larlo as he’s been mean too many times, specifically recent incidents x and y. I would tell junior he needs to take a break from larlo until he can learn to be a better friend, stop sitting with him on the bus, etc.

I wouldn’t do this. It never goes well. Just avoid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be honest with the mom, and say, we need a king break from larlo as he’s been mean too many times, specifically recent incidents x and y. I would tell junior he needs to take a break from larlo until he can learn to be a better friend, stop sitting with him on the bus, etc.

I wouldn’t do this. It never goes well. Just avoid.

Agreed. Be decisive in action but vague unless they are close friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't be afraid to course correct other people's kids - especially if they're at your house.

I've sent kids home because of unkind behavior. And I don't tolerate it at a park or other public spaces with stranger kids, either. I maintain a pretty high threshold for poor behavior at a park and unless it's extreme or involves one of my kids, I adopt a "not my monkeys, not my circus" mentality. But my kids need to see me stand up for them and understand that we shouldn't accept bullying. If that make some adult:adult relationship awkward for me, so be it - they're not my priority.

+1