Why does it pain mean so much when my children experience discomfort?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what this is about. I tend to swoop in and attempt to make everything better, which I recognize is terrible for all involved. It’s hard for me to separate from it and feel settled when my kids are experiencing emotional pain (and there’s been quite a bit of it lately).

Any books, etc you can recommend to tell me not carry the burden for/with my kids?

[Anonymous]

*^ to help me

[Anonymous]

Think about the long term pain you will cause to them and their relations because you produced defective adults. In other words, “don’t be penny smart and dollar dumb” with respect to dealing with things. What more do you need to know than that tomorrow is coming.

[Anonymous]

I heard someone say a good boundary for 'fixing' things with your teens is to not do more than you would do for your best friend.

[Anonymous]

Be confident in your kids that they can handle these feelings. Tell them that you are proud of them for handling it.

[Anonymous]

Op, it couldn't be that everything was fine always in your life, all the time. Maybe reflect on periods of growth and your own resilience. Be proud of it. Didn't that add a depth to your personality? Don't you want to same growth for your children?

[Anonymous]

You probably experienced a trauma as a child - and you swoop in to spare them any pain as a defense/ protector mechanism. This mechanism kept you safe, but now you need to realize that you are safe, and they are safe - and not letting them experience pain you’re robbing them of the ability to problem solve. Ask yourself this what will happen if they experience pain? What is the absolute worst thing that will happen? Now the next time they have a perceived pain stand back and let it happen. Don’t swoop in. Let them experience it, and let them have their own way of solving it. That is how you will let this go.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You probably experienced a trauma as a child - and you swoop in to spare them any pain as a defense/ protector mechanism. This mechanism kept you safe, but now you need to realize that you are safe, and they are safe - and not letting them experience pain you’re robbing them of the ability to problem solve. Ask yourself this what will happen if they experience pain? What is the absolute worst thing that will happen? Now the next time they have a perceived pain stand back and let it happen. Don’t swoop in. Let them experience it, and let them have their own way of solving it. That is how you will let this go.

Good luck

Beautiful answer!

[Anonymous]

You may have been neglected and now you have a poorly calibrated sense of what a "real" danger is. Remind yourself that your kids are safe and that you are monitoring what is happening to make sure they can handle it. If they ever really need you, you will be there.

[Anonymous]

NP. This describes me, PPs, wow. My mother was an attorney, and during the 70’s and 80’s, good childcare was hard to find, especially where they lived. My sibling and I were in several childcare situations where we were borderline neglected and experienced occasional abuse from the offspring of the babysitters. This went on for several years. My mom didn’t really hear me when I complained to her. Finally, my 9 year old brother broke down one night, begging her not to send us back. She pulled us out the next day.

I’m a SAHM who has volunteered a lot with my kids’ schools and activities. I absolutely struggle to be hands off and let them solve their own problems, though I try. I am very sensitive to them being bullied.

Ugh, ugh, I see it now. Time to stop putting off finding a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may have been neglected and now you have a poorly calibrated sense of what a "real" danger is. Remind yourself that your kids are safe and that you are monitoring what is happening to make sure they can handle it. If they ever really need you, you will be there.

Or as in my case, there are genetic anxiety issues combined with being over-protected myself.

[Anonymous]

I think something like CBT therapy is a great way to help with thinking patterns that aren't helpful to you.

In general though, this is a result of feeling like discomfort is bad. That's a very normal view of discomfort.

But, discomfort is also what fuels growth. It changes you.

FWIW, I think this advice only applies for the normal ups & downs of life. If there is something major like abuse, molestation, the death of a friend, etc, you need to be involved and on top of it.

[Anonymous]

Read or watch Persuasion with a focus on Mary Musgrove

[Anonymous]

Read Shefali Tsabary’s parenting books. Also, Boundary Boss.

[Anonymous]

What's the worst result that can come out of this situation? What's the next worst result? Can the child and I both live with either result? Do they have the tools to deal with this on their own? If so, I need to stand back. If not, what does this child actually need from me in this situation? Do they need a question or two posed for scaffolding, so that they can recognize that it's similar to a prior situation? Do they need me to listen, write while they brainstorm, ask questions so that they can see different angles? Do they need a hug, a cuddle, to be hands off? What will show them that I support them and help if necessary, but I can't solve their problems for them?