How involved are your parents and in laws in your child(ren)’s life?

[Anonymous]

Basically just what the subject says. Particularly interested if grandparents are local.

[Anonymous]

Not sure what you mean. How often do they see them? Involvement in making decisions about their schooling? Paying for their school or activities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what you mean. How often do they see them? Involvement in making decisions about their schooling? Paying for their school or activities?

Op here. How often they see them, what they do together, do they initiate time together. I would hope they would leave decision making to the parents, but I honestly didn’t consider that or financial contributions as part of my question, but feel free to add that too if relevant.

[Anonymous]

My parents are local and rarely see us or the kids, never have helped out and maybe 3 times have gone to an event.

My MIL passed away.

FIL has never met the kids.

[Anonymous]

My parents are local, we see them every weekend. We see in-laws around once a month for a weekend.

[Anonymous]

They’re not. In laws are local but see them 3-4 times a year. Not much attention paid to my kids. My parents are in a different state and also not involved.

[Anonymous]

My FIL lives with us so he is very involved in our kids' lives and it has been an absolute blessing to us all. He has dementia now and is almost completely out of it but the years we had with him were worth it (even though he wasn't an angel and we weren't angels, either). My parents live about 15 minutes away. They think nothing about swinging by if they are out an about and just come on in through the family door. My mom will scoot through to the laundry room and start a load / fold what's in the dryer while my dad just heads on in to wherever my husband or the kids are. Love it. Again, none of us is perfect but we've found a way to agree to disagree and to let you do you while I do me. Our kids have benefited tremendously. It is very common to have all 3 of the grandparents at a game or activity. If only my husband or I show up, we are immediately asked by fellow parents about whether the kids' grandparents are coming or not! Both my mom and dad have their favorites with the other parents and will peel off to go chat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL lives with us so he is very involved in our kids' lives and it has been an absolute blessing to us all. He has dementia now and is almost completely out of it but the years we had with him were worth it (even though he wasn't an angel and we weren't angels, either). My parents live about 15 minutes away. They think nothing about swinging by if they are out an about and just come on in through the family door. My mom will scoot through to the laundry room and start a load / fold what's in the dryer while my dad just heads on in to wherever my husband or the kids are. Love it. Again, none of us is perfect but we've found a way to agree to disagree and to let you do you while I do me. Our kids have benefited tremendously. It is very common to have all 3 of the grandparents at a game or activity. If only my husband or I show up, we are immediately asked by fellow parents about whether the kids' grandparents are coming or not! Both my mom and dad have their favorites with the other parents and will peel off to go chat.

Op here. I love this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My FIL lives with us so he is very involved in our kids' lives and it has been an absolute blessing to us all. He has dementia now and is almost completely out of it but the years we had with him were worth it (even though he wasn't an angel and we weren't angels, either). My parents live about 15 minutes away. They think nothing about swinging by if they are out an about and just come on in through the family door. My mom will scoot through to the laundry room and start a load / fold what's in the dryer while my dad just heads on in to wherever my husband or the kids are. Love it. Again, none of us is perfect but we've found a way to agree to disagree and to let you do you while I do me. Our kids have benefited tremendously. It is very common to have all 3 of the grandparents at a game or activity. If only my husband or I show up, we are immediately asked by fellow parents about whether the kids' grandparents are coming or not! Both my mom and dad have their favorites with the other parents and will peel off to go chat.

Op here. I love this.

Thanks. It hasn't been a cake walk but it sure has paid off. IMO you have to be able to swallow some quick retorts and to accept someone else's truth even when it defies all logic. If you can't do that, then you'll be miserable. But if you can do it without losing your stuff and if you're a pretty secure and self-confident person, then it will be alright. I know that my parents and my FIL are coming at everything filled with love for me and our family. I may not like everything they do or say but I love them for being there for us. When our backs are against the wall, my parents and my FIL are standing with us shoulder to shoulder no matter what. And it makes my day when one of them looks at me or my husband and tells us what a good job we have done with our kids. I have literally cried because I know that we couldn't have done it without their help. They always have our backs.

Because of the relationship with our parents, our kids know that they always have someone who is willing to make cookies with them or play bball with them or play Chutes and Ladders with them when mommy and daddy are busy. Likewise, our college kids think nothing about calling Pop Pop as they're walking back to the dorm and it is midnight and they want someone to talk to and to be aware of where they are and what they're doing.

Also, just be aware that you will have to be able to put up with a lot of fawning from other parents. Some of it is genuine and some of it is snarky. You figure out pretty quickly which is which.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My FIL lives with us so he is very involved in our kids' lives and it has been an absolute blessing to us all. He has dementia now and is almost completely out of it but the years we had with him were worth it (even though he wasn't an angel and we weren't angels, either). My parents live about 15 minutes away. They think nothing about swinging by if they are out an about and just come on in through the family door. My mom will scoot through to the laundry room and start a load / fold what's in the dryer while my dad just heads on in to wherever my husband or the kids are. Love it. Again, none of us is perfect but we've found a way to agree to disagree and to let you do you while I do me. Our kids have benefited tremendously. It is very common to have all 3 of the grandparents at a game or activity. If only my husband or I show up, we are immediately asked by fellow parents about whether the kids' grandparents are coming or not! Both my mom and dad have their favorites with the other parents and will peel off to go chat.

Op here. I love this.

Thanks. It hasn't been a cake walk but it sure has paid off. IMO you have to be able to swallow some quick retorts and to accept someone else's truth even when it defies all logic. If you can't do that, then you'll be miserable. But if you can do it without losing your stuff and if you're a pretty secure and self-confident person, then it will be alright. I know that my parents and my FIL are coming at everything filled with love for me and our family. I may not like everything they do or say but I love them for being there for us. When our backs are against the wall, my parents and my FIL are standing with us shoulder to shoulder no matter what. And it makes my day when one of them looks at me or my husband and tells us what a good job we have done with our kids. I have literally cried because I know that we couldn't have done it without their help. They always have our backs.

Because of the relationship with our parents, our kids know that they always have someone who is willing to make cookies with them or play bball with them or play Chutes and Ladders with them when mommy and daddy are busy. Likewise, our college kids think nothing about calling Pop Pop as they're walking back to the dorm and it is midnight and they want someone to talk to and to be aware of where they are and what they're doing.

Also, just be aware that you will have to be able to put up with a lot of fawning from other parents. Some of it is genuine and some of it is snarky. You figure out pretty quickly which is which.

Op here. So part of my reason for posting this… we have a similar (but maybe not to this extent) relationship with one set of grandparents. They are super involved, can’t get enough time with DD, will come to the most mundane things just to see her, always ask to see her, have her spend the night, call her, etc.

The other set makes very little effort, never spend one on one time with DD, very rarely come to her activities (despite saying they want to come and being invited). They complain they never see her but make no effort, so it’s baffling. Both sets are local.

We don’t need or ask for help from either set. We have a great childcare network in place. Just saying this to squash any “I raised my kids, you raise yours” comments. I truly just want DD to have a great relationship with both sets.

All of this to say that DD is starting to notice the difference and is getting upset about it at times and starting to ask questions. I acknowledge her feelings but am not sure if her expectations are high because one set is so involved or if the other set really is just kind of absent. I didn’t have involved grandparents growing up so I have no frame of reference.

[Anonymous]

My mother has lived within 5 blocks of us since my oldest was born 27 years ago and my girls see her maybe 3-4 times a year mainly on holidays. She's not ans has never been involved in there lives.

As a grandmother myself to 2 little boys my husband and I see our grandsons everyday. We go on day trips with them, help with hw or just hang in the house with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My FIL lives with us so he is very involved in our kids' lives and it has been an absolute blessing to us all. He has dementia now and is almost completely out of it but the years we had with him were worth it (even though he wasn't an angel and we weren't angels, either). My parents live about 15 minutes away. They think nothing about swinging by if they are out an about and just come on in through the family door. My mom will scoot through to the laundry room and start a load / fold what's in the dryer while my dad just heads on in to wherever my husband or the kids are. Love it. Again, none of us is perfect but we've found a way to agree to disagree and to let you do you while I do me. Our kids have benefited tremendously. It is very common to have all 3 of the grandparents at a game or activity. If only my husband or I show up, we are immediately asked by fellow parents about whether the kids' grandparents are coming or not! Both my mom and dad have their favorites with the other parents and will peel off to go chat.

Op here. I love this.

Thanks. It hasn't been a cake walk but it sure has paid off. IMO you have to be able to swallow some quick retorts and to accept someone else's truth even when it defies all logic. If you can't do that, then you'll be miserable. But if you can do it without losing your stuff and if you're a pretty secure and self-confident person, then it will be alright. I know that my parents and my FIL are coming at everything filled with love for me and our family. I may not like everything they do or say but I love them for being there for us. When our backs are against the wall, my parents and my FIL are standing with us shoulder to shoulder no matter what. And it makes my day when one of them looks at me or my husband and tells us what a good job we have done with our kids. I have literally cried because I know that we couldn't have done it without their help. They always have our backs.

Because of the relationship with our parents, our kids know that they always have someone who is willing to make cookies with them or play bball with them or play Chutes and Ladders with them when mommy and daddy are busy. Likewise, our college kids think nothing about calling Pop Pop as they're walking back to the dorm and it is midnight and they want someone to talk to and to be aware of where they are and what they're doing.

Also, just be aware that you will have to be able to put up with a lot of fawning from other parents. Some of it is genuine and some of it is snarky. You figure out pretty quickly which is which.

Op here. So part of my reason for posting this… we have a similar (but maybe not to this extent) relationship with one set of grandparents. They are super involved, can’t get enough time with DD, will come to the most mundane things just to see her, always ask to see her, have her spend the night, call her, etc.

The other set makes very little effort, never spend one on one time with DD, very rarely come to her activities (despite saying they want to come and being invited). They complain they never see her but make no effort, so it’s baffling. Both sets are local.

We don’t need or ask for help from either set. We have a great childcare network in place. Just saying this to squash any “I raised my kids, you raise yours” comments. I truly just want DD to have a great relationship with both sets.

All of this to say that DD is starting to notice the difference and is getting upset about it at times and starting to ask questions. I acknowledge her feelings but am not sure if her expectations are high because one set is so involved or if the other set really is just kind of absent. I didn’t have involved grandparents growing up so I have no frame of reference.

You just have to tell your dd that everyone is different but that does not mean uninvolved grandparents don't love her. Is it your parents that are super involved or inlaws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My FIL lives with us so he is very involved in our kids' lives and it has been an absolute blessing to us all. He has dementia now and is almost completely out of it but the years we had with him were worth it (even though he wasn't an angel and we weren't angels, either). My parents live about 15 minutes away. They think nothing about swinging by if they are out an about and just come on in through the family door. My mom will scoot through to the laundry room and start a load / fold what's in the dryer while my dad just heads on in to wherever my husband or the kids are. Love it. Again, none of us is perfect but we've found a way to agree to disagree and to let you do you while I do me. Our kids have benefited tremendously. It is very common to have all 3 of the grandparents at a game or activity. If only my husband or I show up, we are immediately asked by fellow parents about whether the kids' grandparents are coming or not! Both my mom and dad have their favorites with the other parents and will peel off to go chat.

Op here. I love this.

Thanks. It hasn't been a cake walk but it sure has paid off. IMO you have to be able to swallow some quick retorts and to accept someone else's truth even when it defies all logic. If you can't do that, then you'll be miserable. But if you can do it without losing your stuff and if you're a pretty secure and self-confident person, then it will be alright. I know that my parents and my FIL are coming at everything filled with love for me and our family. I may not like everything they do or say but I love them for being there for us. When our backs are against the wall, my parents and my FIL are standing with us shoulder to shoulder no matter what. And it makes my day when one of them looks at me or my husband and tells us what a good job we have done with our kids. I have literally cried because I know that we couldn't have done it without their help. They always have our backs.

Because of the relationship with our parents, our kids know that they always have someone who is willing to make cookies with them or play bball with them or play Chutes and Ladders with them when mommy and daddy are busy. Likewise, our college kids think nothing about calling Pop Pop as they're walking back to the dorm and it is midnight and they want someone to talk to and to be aware of where they are and what they're doing.

Also, just be aware that you will have to be able to put up with a lot of fawning from other parents. Some of it is genuine and some of it is snarky. You figure out pretty quickly which is which.

Op here. So part of my reason for posting this… we have a similar (but maybe not to this extent) relationship with one set of grandparents. They are super involved, can’t get enough time with DD, will come to the most mundane things just to see her, always ask to see her, have her spend the night, call her, etc.

The other set makes very little effort, never spend one on one time with DD, very rarely come to her activities (despite saying they want to come and being invited). They complain they never see her but make no effort, so it’s baffling. Both sets are local.

We don’t need or ask for help from either set. We have a great childcare network in place. Just saying this to squash any “I raised my kids, you raise yours” comments. I truly just want DD to have a great relationship with both sets.

All of this to say that DD is starting to notice the difference and is getting upset about it at times and starting to ask questions. I acknowledge her feelings but am not sure if her expectations are high because one set is so involved or if the other set really is just kind of absent. I didn’t have involved grandparents growing up so I have no frame of reference.

You just have to tell your dd that everyone is different but that does not mean uninvolved grandparents don't love her. Is it your parents that are super involved or inlaws?

Op here. In laws are super involved, which was honestly not what I would’ve expected. So that’s been an adjustment for me personally, as my parents harassed us for kids for years. They were a bit more involved when she was younger, but I’d say pretty uninvolved for the past several years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My FIL lives with us so he is very involved in our kids' lives and it has been an absolute blessing to us all. He has dementia now and is almost completely out of it but the years we had with him were worth it (even though he wasn't an angel and we weren't angels, either). My parents live about 15 minutes away. They think nothing about swinging by if they are out an about and just come on in through the family door. My mom will scoot through to the laundry room and start a load / fold what's in the dryer while my dad just heads on in to wherever my husband or the kids are. Love it. Again, none of us is perfect but we've found a way to agree to disagree and to let you do you while I do me. Our kids have benefited tremendously. It is very common to have all 3 of the grandparents at a game or activity. If only my husband or I show up, we are immediately asked by fellow parents about whether the kids' grandparents are coming or not! Both my mom and dad have their favorites with the other parents and will peel off to go chat.

Op here. I love this.

Thanks. It hasn't been a cake walk but it sure has paid off. IMO you have to be able to swallow some quick retorts and to accept someone else's truth even when it defies all logic. If you can't do that, then you'll be miserable. But if you can do it without losing your stuff and if you're a pretty secure and self-confident person, then it will be alright. I know that my parents and my FIL are coming at everything filled with love for me and our family. I may not like everything they do or say but I love them for being there for us. When our backs are against the wall, my parents and my FIL are standing with us shoulder to shoulder no matter what. And it makes my day when one of them looks at me or my husband and tells us what a good job we have done with our kids. I have literally cried because I know that we couldn't have done it without their help. They always have our backs.

Because of the relationship with our parents, our kids know that they always have someone who is willing to make cookies with them or play bball with them or play Chutes and Ladders with them when mommy and daddy are busy. Likewise, our college kids think nothing about calling Pop Pop as they're walking back to the dorm and it is midnight and they want someone to talk to and to be aware of where they are and what they're doing.

Also, just be aware that you will have to be able to put up with a lot of fawning from other parents. Some of it is genuine and some of it is snarky. You figure out pretty quickly which is which.

Op here. So part of my reason for posting this… we have a similar (but maybe not to this extent) relationship with one set of grandparents. They are super involved, can’t get enough time with DD, will come to the most mundane things just to see her, always ask to see her, have her spend the night, call her, etc.

The other set makes very little effort, never spend one on one time with DD, very rarely come to her activities (despite saying they want to come and being invited). They complain they never see her but make no effort, so it’s baffling. Both sets are local.

We don’t need or ask for help from either set. We have a great childcare network in place. Just saying this to squash any “I raised my kids, you raise yours” comments. I truly just want DD to have a great relationship with both sets.

All of this to say that DD is starting to notice the difference and is getting upset about it at times and starting to ask questions. I acknowledge her feelings but am not sure if her expectations are high because one set is so involved or if the other set really is just kind of absent. I didn’t have involved grandparents growing up so I have no frame of reference.

Interesting. I would say that my FIL and MIL would have been like your parents (I read your response to someone else) except they always showed up. They just never participated. It was only when my MIL died and my FIL moved in that the dynamic changed. The other really odd part is that my upbringing was completely different. We never lived near relatives because my dad's job in the government had us moving all over the world. So my parents didn't have a model that they followed. Anyway, we somehow morphed into what we have.

IMO you should develop some sort of statement for your daughter that is kind and loving and true that she can accept. "I know, sweetie, I wish they had been here, too. I think they are doing the best that they can and it is different from what we hope for. But I know that they love you and always want the best for you. So be happy that we have them around and feel their love. In the meantime, isn't it great that you were able to see Grandma Jane and Grandpa Joe!?! Grandma Jane was so funny when she talked about ..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My FIL lives with us so he is very involved in our kids' lives and it has been an absolute blessing to us all. He has dementia now and is almost completely out of it but the years we had with him were worth it (even though he wasn't an angel and we weren't angels, either). My parents live about 15 minutes away. They think nothing about swinging by if they are out an about and just come on in through the family door. My mom will scoot through to the laundry room and start a load / fold what's in the dryer while my dad just heads on in to wherever my husband or the kids are. Love it. Again, none of us is perfect but we've found a way to agree to disagree and to let you do you while I do me. Our kids have benefited tremendously. It is very common to have all 3 of the grandparents at a game or activity. If only my husband or I show up, we are immediately asked by fellow parents about whether the kids' grandparents are coming or not! Both my mom and dad have their favorites with the other parents and will peel off to go chat.

Op here. I love this.

Thanks. It hasn't been a cake walk but it sure has paid off. IMO you have to be able to swallow some quick retorts and to accept someone else's truth even when it defies all logic. If you can't do that, then you'll be miserable. But if you can do it without losing your stuff and if you're a pretty secure and self-confident person, then it will be alright. I know that my parents and my FIL are coming at everything filled with love for me and our family. I may not like everything they do or say but I love them for being there for us. When our backs are against the wall, my parents and my FIL are standing with us shoulder to shoulder no matter what. And it makes my day when one of them looks at me or my husband and tells us what a good job we have done with our kids. I have literally cried because I know that we couldn't have done it without their help. They always have our backs.

Because of the relationship with our parents, our kids know that they always have someone who is willing to make cookies with them or play bball with them or play Chutes and Ladders with them when mommy and daddy are busy. Likewise, our college kids think nothing about calling Pop Pop as they're walking back to the dorm and it is midnight and they want someone to talk to and to be aware of where they are and what they're doing.

Also, just be aware that you will have to be able to put up with a lot of fawning from other parents. Some of it is genuine and some of it is snarky. You figure out pretty quickly which is which.

Op here. So part of my reason for posting this… we have a similar (but maybe not to this extent) relationship with one set of grandparents. They are super involved, can’t get enough time with DD, will come to the most mundane things just to see her, always ask to see her, have her spend the night, call her, etc.

The other set makes very little effort, never spend one on one time with DD, very rarely come to her activities (despite saying they want to come and being invited). They complain they never see her but make no effort, so it’s baffling. Both sets are local.

We don’t need or ask for help from either set. We have a great childcare network in place. Just saying this to squash any “I raised my kids, you raise yours” comments. I truly just want DD to have a great relationship with both sets.

All of this to say that DD is starting to notice the difference and is getting upset about it at times and starting to ask questions. I acknowledge her feelings but am not sure if her expectations are high because one set is so involved or if the other set really is just kind of absent. I didn’t have involved grandparents growing up so I have no frame of reference.

You just have to tell your dd that everyone is different but that does not mean uninvolved grandparents don't love her. Is it your parents that are super involved or inlaws?

Op here. In laws are super involved, which was honestly not what I would’ve expected. So that’s been an adjustment for me personally, as my parents harassed us for kids for years. They were a bit more involved when she was younger, but I’d say pretty uninvolved for the past several years.

Do you think there are some unknown factors (physical health, mental health or anxiety, financial, other reasons) that may be a driver for their lack of participation?