Why do I tend to feel closer to people than they do to me?

[Anonymous]

And how do I fix this from happening?

I feel it’s happened my entire life. Help me figure myself out.

[Anonymous]

What is your relationship with your family? What was your house like growing up? Do you like being alone or struggle to be alone?

Also, when there is a mismatch in friendship expectations between you and another person, often they are being influenced by the answers to these same questions. Like you probably have some issues to work out, but they likely do to. Almost everyone is working out some childhood issues in their adult relationships. I think we forget how much this impacts friendships, but you really start to realize it in your 30s and 40s when patterns become obvious.

I haven't read it yet, but recently ordered the book How to do the Work, by Dr. Nicole Le Pera. I follow her in Instagram and she is really good at identifying these issues and breaking it down. I think we all have a duty to the people in our lives to try and figure this out so that we can bring our best selves to our relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your relationship with your family? What was your house like growing up? Do you like being alone or struggle to be alone?

Also, when there is a mismatch in friendship expectations between you and another person, often they are being influenced by the answers to these same questions. Like you probably have some issues to work out, but they likely do to. Almost everyone is working out some childhood issues in their adult relationships. I think we forget how much this impacts friendships, but you really start to realize it in your 30s and 40s when patterns become obvious.

I haven't read it yet, but recently ordered the book How to do the Work, by Dr. Nicole Le Pera. I follow her in Instagram and she is really good at identifying these issues and breaking it down. I think we all have a duty to the people in our lives to try and figure this out so that we can bring our best selves to our relationships.

NP, I just got her book too! I will look her up on Instagram. Hoping the book is helpful for implementing the work itself.

[Anonymous]

Not sure about you, OP, but I have an attachment disorder due to neglect and abandonment issues in childhood. I still “over attach,” but I recognize it for what it is and try really hard not to burden others with my overzealous feelings. Understanding what’s going on helps me not love bomb, over text or get too close too soon. I haven’t been able to stop the emotions, but I’ve learned how they negatively impact my relationships so I keep them to myself, or journal. Therapy can help develop coping skills, if you’re open to it. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they feel close to you too but are busy? I have friends who I care deeply about, but I'm drowning here with little kids and some health issues.

If it's more that they really don't feel close, then take some time to get to know people. Look at how they earn your trust, not just how you can show that they have yours.

The good news is you're capable of feeling close to people. Not everyone can do that.

[Anonymous]

I am one of those people who people like to be friends with, and I think a lot of people consider me their best friend. I don't consider most of them mine. If you're an introvert befriending an extrovert that can happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure about you, OP, but I have an attachment disorder due to neglect and abandonment issues in childhood. I still “over attach,” but I recognize it for what it is and try really hard not to burden others with my overzealous feelings. Understanding what’s going on helps me not love bomb, over text or get too close too soon. I haven’t been able to stop the emotions, but I’ve learned how they negatively impact my relationships so I keep them to myself, or journal. Therapy can help develop coping skills, if you’re open to it. Best wishes.

I didn’t know this was my issue until somebody commented about attachment disorders due to childhood issues. I started doing research and reading up on it. It described a lot of my issues and my over attachment to friendships spot on. I may be over diagnosing myself but I never realized I had this issue until I read up on it and recognize that it describes me perfectly.

Then I was able to have a better sense of an outlook on friendships.

[Anonymous]

Do you invest in them as much as they do in you? Do you ask questions and take a genuine interest in their lives? Are you able to be vulnerable and share?

[Anonymous]

I‘m an introvert, turns out most of my friends are extroverts. I only need a few people, they need many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am one of those people who people like to be friends with, and I think a lot of people consider me their best friend. I don't consider most of them mine. If you're an introvert befriending an extrovert that can happen.

It sounds like that doesn’t bother you but how do you really feel about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am one of those people who people like to be friends with, and I think a lot of people consider me their best friend. I don't consider most of them mine. If you're an introvert befriending an extrovert that can happen.

This is the kind of friendship I've learned to avoid. No offense to you, but my experience is that people who have lots of friends who view them as their closest friends just tend not to take as much care with any particular friendship, and are more likely to refuse to reciprocate certain things (like even basic stuff like being kind and maintaining some interest in the other person's life) because they are largely in it for the companionships and not for the intimacy.

I prefer to have fewer friends but I take good care of those relationships. I would rather be alone that spending a lot of time around others with shallow connections. I like spending time alone.

[Anonymous]

I feel like this sometimes and had a very happy childhood with an attentive (overly attentive if anything) mother. Idk that it's always attachment issues. Some people just love too deeply, overshare themselves, etc. an "empath" if you use hippie terminology!

[Anonymous]

I tend to do this, but I believe it's because I'm more of an introvert who only has a few close friends. Even my circle of acquaintances is probably smaller than most. I know my friends have other friends who they might feel closer to due to proximity, stage of life, etc., but it doesn't really bother me.

I enjoy having a few close friends, and I enjoy being a friend, but it's just one of many hats I wear in life. So while I tend to feel closer to my friends than they probably do to me, I also don't ascribe too much to those relationships at this point in my life, which is probably why it doesn't bother me that the balance might be skewed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am one of those people who people like to be friends with, and I think a lot of people consider me their best friend. I don't consider most of them mine. If you're an introvert befriending an extrovert that can happen.

This is the kind of friendship I've learned to avoid. No offense to you, but my experience is that people who have lots of friends who view them as their closest friends just tend not to take as much care with any particular friendship, and are more likely to refuse to reciprocate certain things (like even basic stuff like being kind and maintaining some interest in the other person's life) because they are largely in it for the companionships and not for the intimacy.

I prefer to have fewer friends but I take good care of those relationships. I would rather be alone that spending a lot of time around others with shallow connections. I like spending time alone.

DH and I host and reciprocate a lot. I Do have a best friend from high school, from grad school and from work. I'm sorry if you've never known someone who is both a casual friend but also kind and maintains an interest in your life. That's not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am one of those people who people like to be friends with, and I think a lot of people consider me their best friend. I don't consider most of them mine. If you're an introvert befriending an extrovert that can happen.

This is the kind of friendship I've learned to avoid. No offense to you, but my experience is that people who have lots of friends who view them as their closest friends just tend not to take as much care with any particular friendship, and are more likely to refuse to reciprocate certain things (like even basic stuff like being kind and maintaining some interest in the other person's life) because they are largely in it for the companionships and not for the intimacy.

I prefer to have fewer friends but I take good care of those relationships. I would rather be alone that spending a lot of time around others with shallow connections. I like spending time alone.

+1