Furious at DH!

[Anonymous]

I am breastfeeding our 10 week old. We wanted to EBF but I am not producing enough milk despite trying just about everything to increase supply so we are supplementing with formula. Tonight I went to the spa to use the gift certificate my husband gave me for Mother's Day. When I left there were 5 oz of breastmilk in the refrigerator. I came home relaxed and happy - only to discover that my husband did not give her any of the breastmilk; instead he gave her formula while I was gone! I asked why and he initially said he 'didn't know,' then that he was saving the breastmilk for the evening feeding; eventually he admitted it was because it was easier to give formula as he does not have to warm the bottles and the baby was fussy so he didn't want to bother with that. He did this once before and after that we discussed it and agreed that we would use formula only if there was no breastmilk in the fridge.

I am furious that he completely disregarded our previous agreement and decided to save 30 seconds by using formula rather than warming the milk! I have had so many troubles with breastfeeding, mastitis twice, latch issues, supply issues, etc. - and he leaves milk in the fridge because formula is easier?! Does he think pumping is easy, or fun? How about mastitis, is that a party? I am even more upset that now some of the breastmilk may go to waste as our baby only gets one bottle a day and has started taking less at that feeding - so when you add the 5 oz in the fridge to what I will pump tonight, I don't know if she will drink it all before it goes bad. It just kills me that I have low supply and might have to toss some of my milk.

I am also mad that I am starting to think I can't trust my husband. He has done this sort of thing before - we will agree to something and then he will do the exact opposite. He always claims he "forgot," but I'm not buying it anymore. I think he knows exactly what he is doing and is just being lazy and immature.

Needless to say, my relaxed spa buzz is gone. Sigh. Help me out here - what do I do? Hook my husband up to my breastpump so he gets a small inkling of how much goes into making that milk?

[Anonymous]

oh my gosh. it sounds like he's doing the best he can. if you are really that concerned about 1 bottle of formula, maybe you aren't ready to leave baby during feeding times.

you can't 'trust' your husband when he forgets to feed the baby or forgets to put DC in the carseat properly or something like that.

[Anonymous]

Short of not leaving your baby with DH - which is really, not an option- there's not much you can do. Right?

You BOTH need to be on the same page with this. I'm not clear whether he agreed to this or you dictated it to him. But, it has to be the former. So talk to him. Tell him how you feel.

[Anonymous]

20:05 here - let me add that i would understand your point if DC were EBF, but if she's already getting a little formula, i really don't see the big deal. definitely have a conversation about how important it is to you, but put it in perspective.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP I have been there. They just don't get it. They never will. I have felt this very same annoyance but have learned after many similar stories that went to other stuff besides bf that it's not worth the argument with DH. It was really about the energy it took me to get mad and now that I have a 2 yr old I just don't have the energy to get mad anymore. Try explaining to him (calmly) that it's really difficult to bf and that stuff is like liquid gold to you. If he continues to disregard your instructions don't know what to tell you.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have broader issues with your DH and this is just a symptom of them. I would talk to him. Sometimes husbands panic when theyre taking care of a baby and do things according to what they see as easiest. That is not a big deal but this obviously seems like a HUGE deal to you so i would talk to him. But to invoke the "trust" issue over this one formula incident seems a little bit dramatic. I am assuming it's because you have broader trust issues to work on.
Good luck. I know this time is extremely stressful on ones personal relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oh my gosh. it sounds like he's doing the best he can. if you are really that concerned about 1 bottle of formula, maybe you aren't ready to leave baby during feeding times.

you can't 'trust' your husband when he forgets to feed the baby or forgets to put DC in the carseat properly or something like that.

where do you get that he is doing the best he can? He's doing whatever he wants, for a little ease, against their agreement! I'm not the OP but if you have ever pumped and pumped only to learn the milk might not get used, you'd know where she is coming from.

[Anonymous]

Have DH read this thread.

[Anonymous]

OP your obsession with 5 oz of breast milk is clouding your reasoning and judgement. You might want to consider just how important that one bottle a day is if it's causing you this much stress. I promise you a few years from now you will look back on this moment and realize it wasn't a big deal at all. It just seemed like it was.

[Anonymous]

I would be irritated as well if DH disregarded a previous agreement, but the milk doesn't have to go to waste. Freeze it!

[Anonymous]

You do know that you can freeze breastmilk, don't you? I have to say, I am sympathetic to the husband. OP sounds like a control freak.

[Anonymous]

I know it may seem like it is the end of the world but you will look back on this moment and think "why in the world was I so stressed out about 5 ounces of milk for" -i remember getting frustrated at my husband over something similar to this when my son was about 9 weeks old and I also remember feeling quite hormonal !

[Anonymous]

I think you need to relax. If you jump all over your husband every time he makes a decision you disagree with, the most likely result is that he stops wanting to spend time with the baby, or take on any responsibilities. Is that really what you want?

[Anonymous]

This is a hormonal stage. I remember being there. I honestly think your husband was doing the best he could. Having a hungry baby is not fun and he probably just wanted to make sure he/she was fed and happy. Freeze the milk like the other posters said.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you visited a lactation consultant? Your milk supply is probably still trying to get established. However, if you really have tried everything and nothing is working and you are this stressed out over five ounces of milk it might be time to relax a lot about how the baby gets fed.

I have been where you are...I stressed over every ounce. I'm glad I breastfed and pumped but it was not easy. My DH was on board and completely supportive but there were times when he didn't do things the way I would have done them. Notice that I do not say that he did it "wrong" I said that he did it differently. Was I upset? Yes. Did I say anything? No. Because the choices he made were never so serious that they would have hurt the baby.

Rule number one from my beloved lactation consultant: Feed the baby. Regardless of what (formula or breast milk) or how (bottle, breast, supplemental feeding systems) -- the baby gets fed.

I suggest that you step back and let your husband parent the way he knows how. Imagine him with the small baby (only 10 weeks!) trying to calm the baby all alone. Try to shed some tender light on this man who took care of your child while you went to the spa. Remember that you have the ability to just put the baby to your breast when it is hungry. I agree that formula is a lot easier than warming breast milk -- especially when a 10 week old is crying for food. I suggest that next weekend you take a backseat to being in charge and just observe how DH works it out --let him.