Furious at DH!

[Anonymous]

OP - I think the PP's who are trying to put it all into perspective are right - right now, you are mad about 5 oz of breast milk just like I threatened to divorce my husband when I found out he was using the GAS RANGE to heat up breastmilk (seriously). But that was a 3 weeks post partum, we had to supplement because of jaundice and immature supply, and I was so, so tired. Now? I think back at how I should have just said "please don't use the range, use the warmer from now on" and moved on with life.

Your DH is doing all that he can and short of just emphasizing that he needs to use the breast milk, if there is any, there's not much else you can do. Men will never understand how difficult and painful it is to squeeze milk out of their breasts, no matter what you do or say, and that's the sad truth. Letting DH be a father and parent in the way that he does it IS something he can do and it will be valuable later on down the road.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't refrigerated breast milk stay good for at least a week? If you are supplementing with formula anyway, why can't you just substitute one of your regularly scheduled formula feedings for the breast milk that you had pumped.

As for not being able to trust him, I get that you may be irritated for reneging on your agreement but agree that there are much broader issues here. At least he remembered to feed your baby! My husband forgot one of the scheduled feedings with our first baby on my post-partum shopping day. So, when I got home, my 6 week old had gone basically 5 hours without eating. The baby was fine, we laughed about what a ditz he is, and it was all good. But then again, he has really stepped up to the parenting plate for both kids. Perhaps you feel like your DH has not and that's what driving this anger?

[Anonymous]

Both you and DH need to be cut some slack. I completely understand how you feel. It used to hurt to return home and 5 oz of breastmilk has been sitting out on the counter for hours unused. Or I'd have milk that was tawed and needed to be used within 24 hrs and he'd give the baby milk I just pumped 30 mins ago. What I've learned is to give written instructions if I have to. Next time, hide the formula so that he has to call you first.

[Anonymous]

I'm really not trying to mean, but you need to relax OP. One day you'll look back and (hopefully) laugh at how stressed 5 oz of BM got you.

I EBF too. I get it. But I also have a lot more perspective and wish someone had told me to just chill. Probably would've helped my supply issues too.

If there's a bigger issue with your DH, solve it soon. Things just get tougher if you're not on the same page as DC gets older.

[Anonymous]

I completely understand about being obsessive about not wasting precious, hard-earned milk, but I just don't understand why the milk would go to waste. Why not just feed that milk instead of some of the formula you would normally have supplemented with tomorrow, and keep everything else about your routine the same? Or, if baby really is eating so little from a bottle each day that it will take too long to go through those 5 extra ounces (in which case, you must be really really close to EBF'ing - congrats!), freeze the extra as PPs have said.

[Anonymous]

If you are really concerned about the milk going bad, freeze it. If you have supply issues, you can be sure that milk is going to get put to good use.

Now that the issue of wasting milk is resolved, take another look at the rest again.

[[e-mail]]

OP: you sound like a control freak and hormonal.

As others have said, you can use the EBM in the fridge at another feeding. You can freeze it.

As others have said, your husband is trying. It is stressful to take care of a newborn, let alone exactly to the letter of said controlling nag. I can easily picture a wailing baby and a frantic upset dad, not thinking perfectly, trying to feed and calm his child.

And finally I think BF mothers can really lose perspective in their exacting desire to do this amazing thing for their babies. But babies can be formula and BF and thrive. Marriages not so much.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you may have bigger issues with DH other than just giving your baby formula when he said he wouldn't. I understand why this would be annoying, but bering "furious" about it seems a bit much. I am thinking that your reaction may be fueled by the crazy postpartum hormones, and believe me, I don't just throw that term around lightly. I was treated by a psychiatrist and put on antidepressants for postpartum depression. I had difficulty breastfeeding, which contributed a lot to my depression. I would say just let it go, or evaluate why this is sending you into a rage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oh my gosh. it sounds like he's doing the best he can. if you are really that concerned about 1 bottle of formula, maybe you aren't ready to leave baby during feeding times.

you can't 'trust' your husband when he forgets to feed the baby or forgets to put DC in the carseat properly or something like that.



where do you get that he is doing the best he can? He's doing whatever he wants, for a little ease, against their agreement! I'm not the OP but if you have ever pumped and pumped only to learn the milk might not get used, you'd know where she is coming from.
[Report Post]

New Poster here. And I breastfed my first for 7 months (pumped exclusively for 4 of those months), and breastfed my 2nd for 11 months, including pumping 5 days a week at work for 8 months. I know pumping. I remember the precious few times I had to throw away breast milk, and it sucks.

But still . . . calm down. If you are worried the baby won't drink all the pumped milk today, freeze it! You can freeze refrigerated milk. In fact, refrigerated milk stays good for up to a week. You won't "waste" any, and this way you have a bottle ready for next time you need to leave the baby.

And formula is NOT rat poison. No harm.

[Anonymous]

Poor OP, I completely feel for you!

I understand that above all there is that desire to feed your baby YOUR BREASTMILK, how sad you are that Baby is being supplemented, and how infuriated you are that DH does not seem to sense the magnitude of these 2 emotions inside you.

You can repeat to your husband what I overheard my kids' 2 pediatricians saying to each other: "breastmilk is like liquid gold" - they were/are both pumping mothers.

Remember that you are emotionally fragile at the moment, and that getting upset will not help you or the baby. On the contrary, show your mettle by trying to be calm and clear.
I disagree with PPs who said your DH is doing his best, or should be allowed to diverge from instructions. Not while Baby is this young! There will be plenty of time later on to get into parenting fights.

Right now, you are producing the gold, you decide when and how it should be spent!
Remind him that you carried and birthed this baby, and pumped milk too, despite great setbacks. Can't he contribute ever so little by correctly gauging Baby's hunger cues, and preparing breastmilk?

[Anonymous]

breast milk can stay in the refrig for 3 days - so if DH uses formula instead of the breast milk, just use the breast milk the next day or the the day after that.

Breast milk can also be stored at room temp. for up to 6 hours (although I've left mine on my night stand for 8 hours and the baby was just fine).

OP - if this is the the biggest problem you encounter as you adjust to life with a newborn consider yourself lucky.

[Anonymous]

oh. my. damn. god.

Jeff, PLEASE tell me that all these people calling OP hormonal and telling her to calm down are the work of a sock puppet? Otherwise I'm going to go out on a limb and say they were gleeful formula feeders who just can't possibly get it.

OP, you have every right to be furious! I never had supply issues or had to supplement and I STILL didn't like wasting milk. When you don't like to pump or pumping does not come easily, you gain a different perspective for it.

Formula feeders, here is the thing. Formula is fine, but it is NOT just as good as breastmilk. And if you don't get that, you don't get facts. OP has every right to get mad about 5 oz. Even though yes, that is a small amount, it's frustrating that her DH can't follow instructions (let alone have the good sense to just know what to do, given he is half of the parental unit). Ugh -- some of you responded "oh, your poor husband, think of him all alone with a fussy baby, what was the poor chap to do." Seriously? Seriously? What PLANET are you people from?

So, anyway, let me try to make this less co-rant, more helpful. You need to sit your husband down and separate your two issues. One, feeding the baby breastmilk and why it is important to you. Two, your considerable frustration at having him go back on his word. If he thinks like PPs here, and doesn't believe that breastmilk is better than formula, then he needs to tell you he disagrees with you, not just say "yeah yeah I'll do it" and then do what he wants anyway. Tell him that's not acceptable, because it's not. Meantime, one thing to explore----is there a way to get him involved with the decisions you make? The feeding, pumping, etc? Do you do things to involve him? I'm sure you do, and it's frustrating to feel like we have to jump through hoops just to get an equal parent out of the mix from DH, but many men seem to sit back and let mom do all the heavy lifting and all the decision-making -- then balk at the decisions like little kids who have chores to do. If he helps decide what to feed, perhaps he'll have some ownership in carrying that out?

Sorry OP, ha ha, I'm getting really ticked off for you. I think I'd better go take a bubble bath.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, don't leave the baby if you are this upset over a little bit of formula. He did what was best for the baby at the time that you weren't home. Think more in terms of the baby was fed and happy. If DH was relaxed and baby was happy then it's a win win. Next bottle can be breastmilk. IT IS OKAY.

[Anonymous]

OP - why does your husband feel uncomfortable telling you the truth about his motives?

When you walk out the door, you are not in charge. Sucks, but that's the way it is.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you just freeze the milk or use it for a later feeding?