Transition from one to two kids

[Anonymous]

Welcoming baby number two in a few weeks. Older one will have just turned two. What are your best tips for expanding families?

[Anonymous]

Make sure that your partner is all-in.

I feel like 0 to 1 is harder on the mom, and then 1 to 2 is harder on the dad. When there's two kids in the mix, the mom simply can't do it all anymore, so the dad may have to step up his game. It was a rough transition for my spouse.

The most important thing is to be clear about what you need and keep communication open and supportive of one another.

[Anonymous]

Work on the first kid being ok with dad doing bedtime and bathtime
Its true what they say that for the second kid its the father or the less maternal spouse that takes a hit on their free time. The person who gave birth cant do jt all themselves especially if they had a c section. Talk about leave plans, recovery plans etc. does your oldest go to daycare? Even with the germs i would keep their routine as much as you can. .

[Anonymous]

Don't potty train and transition older kid to toddler bed in the next two months. Be smarter than me.

[Anonymous]

Wear the baby as much as possible

Make sure the toddler is on a solid sleep schedule

Things get a LOT easier when they're eating the same foods

This might sound obvious, but try to do things as a family of four once the baby is able to be out of the house more. We tried to divide and conquer so much we kind of forgot we should be bonding as a foursome. Once we started doing that the toddler really took to the baby.

Congratulations!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't potty train and transition older kid to toddler bed in the next two months. Be smarter than me.

Oh also (something I did right) involve the toddler in baby stuff -- e.g. let them choose the baby's clothes, answer people who talk about the baby when you're out on walks, say good morning/good night, etc.

[Anonymous]

What is your toddler's daily routine? Try to preserve it as much as possible. If your toddler is with a nanny or daycare, try to preserve that routine. We were in a nannyshare and our two year old kept going during the day.

[Anonymous]

One thing to be aware of - all births are different and they may hit YOU differently. I was mentally great after my first was born. After my second, I had a TERRIBLE case of PPD. I feel like with my first, I was very aware of that possibility, but having given birth once before without a problem, I didn’t even consider that it would happen to me the second time.

I would plan for extra help. You can always cancel if things feel manageable, but trying to figure out how you would even find a night nanny when you haven’t slept in weeks is very daunting. Either prepare for or be open to the fact that you may need more help this time.

As soon as is feasible, both you and your spouse need to take both kids for long stretches when they’re both awake. It feels SO daunting at first, but you can figure it out, and that is the path to getting rest. It’ll feel like the hardest thing in the world at first, but you’ll get better at it with practice, and you need the breaks that gets you for your own sanity. For us, that was as soon as the baby was sleep trained at 4 months (as we never did figure out how to rock a baby to sleep while watching a toddler.) Before that, the most we could manage was 30 or 45 mins at a time. After that, we each started taking both kids for a big chunk of the weekend (a 4-5 hour stretch) so the other person could get some actual downtime. That was so clutch.

Good luck and congrats!

[Anonymous]

It may be a little too close now, but my advice for anyone else following along pregnant with number two is to start thinking through your routines and how you’re going to do them with two kids. I know way too many parents of one go to the playground and follow their toddler around the entire time. Then they have the second one and are shocked that their toddler doesn’t know to stay with a grown-up, or stay in one area to play. But nobody ever taught them that they have to stay with the group. They were the leader and the parents followed. Change that before your toddler blames it on the baby!

And think through things like getting ready for school routine and bedtime routines. I started my toddler‘s preschool routine half an hour early as soon as I hit the second trimester and started incorporating some quiet activities at the breakfast table before breakfast. Then once I had the baby my toddler was already used to sitting quietly at the table for half an hour doing a little project and that gave me a window where I could nurse the baby in a chair nearby.

For a bedtime routines, I used to do the whole thing in my toddler‘s room, but I knew once I had the baby I would need a minute to transition the baby so I could focus on the toddler alone for the last three minutes of bedtime routine at least. So we switched to reading in a rocker in my room, then singing songs together there. Once the baby came, we were able to transition pretty smoothly to reading while I nursed and rocking together until the baby dozed off enough to transition to a swing. Then I could go spend five minutes putting my firstborn into bed before returning to transition the baby to the bassinet.

In my experience, building our routines so that it was possible for just one person to handle both kids for most parts of the day from as early as possible was really helpful. A lot of my friends in the same situation did it on the fly and the solution was to divide and conquer, but the problem with that was that then neither parent was ever all the way off. It was important to us that we still get to go do things without any kids along. DH and I have always switched off bedtimes and by the time my maternity leave was done we were both back to alternating who did bedtime. He does three nights a week, I do three nights a week, and a sitter does every Saturday. That means we each have three nights a week that we can stay late at work to impress our employer, meet with friends, go see a movie, go to the gym, etc. It helps us to still feel like people outside of being parents.

[Anonymous]

I agree with much of what’s already been said. I’ll add not to underestimate the impact on your first child of having a second child. It’s a HUGE change. That doesn’t mean it has to be difficult, but don’t insist to your kid (or yourself) that things will be the same, because they won’t be. And that’s great! But you really do have to appreciate what a big transition it is, I think, to support your family through it as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Ours are exactly two years apart. What kept things going well was making sure that my two year-old kept to as much of his normal routine as possible. We made sure to still go out to the park/playground, he still went to his preschool his few mornings a week, etc. I also was kind to myself that when I was just exhausted, it was ok to stay in PJs, let toddler wash some shows and just chill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure that your partner is all-in.

I feel like 0 to 1 is harder on the mom, and then 1 to 2 is harder on the dad. When there's two kids in the mix, the mom simply can't do it all anymore, so the dad may have to step up his game. It was a rough transition for my spouse.

The most important thing is to be clear about what you need and keep communication open and supportive of one another.

So much this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure that your partner is all-in.

I feel like 0 to 1 is harder on the mom, and then 1 to 2 is harder on the dad. When there's two kids in the mix, the mom simply can't do it all anymore, so the dad may have to step up his game. It was a rough transition for my spouse.

The most important thing is to be clear about what you need and keep communication open and supportive of one another.

So much this.

This definitely. Plus for me, it was on me to keep #1 entertained where #1 basically kept #2 entertained and really they entertained then (after a certain age) played with each other. I definitely didn't think my life got worse with #2. If anything, better!