Kindergarten girl friendship dynamics
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Anonymous
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DD is in K and was telling me that her two closest friends (one a new friend from her classroom and one neighborhood friend who also started K at the same school but different classroom) fight over DD at recess. This seems to have started when the new friend, A, invited DD over for a play date after school so DD didn’t take the bus that day. Usually she takes the bus home with neighborhood friend, B, who lives next door. When B found out DD was at A’s house for a play date I think it caused some jealousy. The next morning at the bus stop, I noticed something was off with B but didn’t think anything of it since DD seemed to not notice.
Now I find out today that there is this possessive friendship dynamic at school between these two girls regarding DD. I’m not sure if it’s one or both friends acting this way but I told DD not to let anyone tell her who she can and can’t be friends with and to suggest they all play together. But beyond that I’m not sure how to advise her. Crazy this girl stuff starts this early. Anyone been in a similar situation and any advice on how I should talk to DD about it? It’s hard bc B lives next door and while we love the family and B and would love for them to continue to be friends, I want DD to be able to make new friends and even invite new friends over to our house without it igniting weird girl fights. |
Anonymous
| Omg you sound so annoying. |
Anonymous
| I think you should stay out of it and let your daughter handle it. She seems to be doing fine. |
Anonymous
You are pathetic |
Anonymous
| Do you have a job, OP? If not I highly recommend getting one. You will be too busy to worry about stupid stuff like this and only the truly important things will be worth your time and bandwidth. |
Anonymous
| Let them work it out. It seems like jealousy, which is a normal emotion at this age. If it turns into mean girl behavior with triangulation and teasing, THEN you talk to your daughter. |
Anonymous
| This is why daytime soap operas should still be a thing, to keep women like OP occupied. I think General Hospital is still on Hulu if you want to participate in drama and vendettas vicariously, OP. |
Anonymous
Clearly you’re not too busy with your job to reply to her post with unhelpful comments. |
Anonymous
| OP, ignore the trolls. You are smart to keep an eye on this dynamic because kids this age don’t always have the appropriate guidance to handle these conflicts appropriately. Maybe it’s because all these other moms aren’t guiding their kids. I think just keep an eye on it for now, but if things escalate, definitely reach out to the school counselor. This is actually a common thing that happens and school counselor will have ideas to help work out the dynamic of the girls need adult support. |
Anonymous
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I will be kind OP.
Often with kids this age, today's drama is old news by the next day. Hell, it's like that with older kids. So my first advice is watch and wait and see. Until something is going on a couple weeks and you have a couple data points (observed behavior or your daughter saying something to you NOT you asking about it), you just let it play out. If it persists, give a couple messages you will continue through childhood. Yours might be different for your family values but ours are things like be kind, be open to friendships with many and don't focus all your energy on one friend, if you're not having fun with a friend find something else to do or play by yourself, friends should make you feel good. And if she has a specific scenario of situation that's coming up over and over, certainly fine and helpful to role play a bit with her what she can say and do. |
Anonymous
| Geez! I don't understand why OP is being mocked for asking this question. I have noticed similar dynamics with my K DD and I opened this thread hoping to find some tips from parents who have BTDT. In general I'm fine with stepping back and letting kids work things out themselves, BUT this is also an age at which kids can really benefit from adult input to support their social/emotional development. If anyone has constructive suggestions for age-appropriate ways to help K/early elementary kids navigate jealousy and possessiveness in friendship groups, I would love to hear them. |
Anonymous
I'm 8:38. Yes, I think PPs are being unnecessarily harsh and OP asked an honest question. The thing is that it's impossible for DCUM to tell what's normal playground dynamics and when it crosses a line. Is it going on for weeks? Do any of the kids seem actually distressed by it? Is it actually happening as the K DD described? Don't forget that kids that age are notoriously unreliable narrators, and what could have been a 30 second passing conversation imprinted on her mind as a Big Deal. Or it could be that K DD is taking sides and unintentionally encouraging the behavior between the other girls. We did get a teacher involved in K when DD and another girl just couldn't stop pushing each other's buttons. They were hot and cold, but kept butting heads and just needed help to differentiate "she's disagreeing with me" from "she's being mean to me." We raised it briefly and objectively to the teacher (are you noticing this dynamic? Could you keep an eye out to see if what DD is saying at home meshes with actual reality?) and the teacher had a quick conversation with the girls and separated them for a week. They've been totally fine, though not easy BFFs, since then. 8:49 had good advice as well. K friendships can be brief but intense, or could be the start of years long close friendships. But regardless, emphasize that it's important to be kind to other kids, they should always include others (talk about the difference between including and excluding), and that they should take space and give space to others when they're having trouble getting along. Model and practice language they can use on the playground, tell them they can always go sit with a teacher if they need a break, and encourage them to play with different kids, not just their BFFs. And if things escalate, then ask the teacher to observe. A quick intervention from the teacher will go much further than armchair parenting from home. |
Anonymous
Blow me |
Anonymous
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I have a kindergarten daughter. She has a friend she played with everyday. I was actually concerned DD wasn’t making any other friends. The friend starting hanging out with another girl in their same class and DD felt bad. It is totally fine. I wanted her to make new friends anyways.
Your DD is the one who is the one the other girls want to play with. I don’t think there is anything for you to do. At some point, one or both these friends may play with someone else and your daughter may be the one on the outs. |
Anonymous
I'm the PP who wrote about getting a job, and I did not write that last reply. It's not my style to say something so crude. But PP who wrote that my comment was unhelpful, go ahead and take note of when I posted this morning... before 8 am... and when I am posting now... almost 9 pm. Because I was busy all day. Now that the kids are asleep I'm decompressing before I do a little more work before bed. I'd much rather be busy than have time to worry about kindergarten girl drama. BTW my youngest is in K. It is so, so, young and so much will change. That's why this is a silly thing to worry about. |