When can I just drop the rope

[Anonymous]

Both my family and my husbands'
Lots of emotional baggage and dysfunction I don't want to pass on to my kids.
No one lives locally.
Can't envision a time when any member of my extended family would ever actually 'help'. They just demand and take.
Long histories of emotional terrorism, favoritism, and financial unfairness

What is the reason to maintain contact with them? We don't need their money, we don't want their help, we don't want to dig them out of their holes.

There is obligation, but no joy.

[Anonymous]

Drop it. Dont initiate contact. He deals with his own side if he wants to. Stop feeling guilty

[Anonymous]

Wow. What's holding you back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. What's holding you back?

This.

You don't like them, they don't appear to like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my family and my husbands'
Lots of emotional baggage and dysfunction I don't want to pass on to my kids.
No one lives locally.
Can't envision a time when any member of my extended family would ever actually 'help'. They just demand and take.
Long histories of emotional terrorism, favoritism, and financial unfairness

What is the reason to maintain contact with them? We don't need their money, we don't want their help, we don't want to dig them out of their holes.

There is obligation, but no joy.

Are we in the same family? Just keep stepping backward until you find your comfort zone. Some people behave better with more boundaries, others don't. I would not take the leap all at once. I would try different things to make things lighter and more pleasant. Maybe discuss with a therapist. You want it to be so that if you do drop the rope, you have no regret because you truly tried everything.

I get it though with all of this-especially take, take, take, We had our own family crisis and it was all "What about MEeeeeee, why aren't you focusing on meeeee?" they shame and guilt you into getting sucked into their problems and when you have a real issue, like a really ill loved one, they still want to take. They just don't know how to be decent humans.

[Anonymous]

Well, you should never have held the rope for your husband’s family. So drop that right this second and tell him that he is in charge of them.

For your own family, figure out if you really need to have no contact or if there is some low level of contact that makes sense.

You don’t actually have to do anything you don’t want to do with respect to your family of origin.

[Anonymous]

emotional terrorism

This is extreme, Op. You sound as dramatic as you say they are. if they are evil you should never have been in touch with them in the first place, so I doubt it. Why would a couple phones calls a year, and a couple visits of say, 2 hrs a piece, be that awful? You send a holiday card. You send a birthday card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

emotional terrorism

This is extreme, Op. You sound as dramatic as you say they are. if they are evil you should never have been in touch with them in the first place, so I doubt it. Why would a couple phones calls a year, and a couple visits of say, 2 hrs a piece, be that awful? You send a holiday card. You send a birthday card.

This seems doable.
I just need to get away from the guilt trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

emotional terrorism

This is extreme, Op. You sound as dramatic as you say they are. if they are evil you should never have been in touch with them in the first place, so I doubt it. Why would a couple phones calls a year, and a couple visits of say, 2 hrs a piece, be that awful? You send a holiday card. You send a birthday card.

This seems doable.
I just need to get away from the guilt trips.

No one can actually make you feel guilty. They can try, but ultimately, feeling guilt is a YOU thing not a THEM thing. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t limit contact. But you have to know that is something you can actually control. Start internally rolling your eyes every time they say something that is intended to make you feel bad. It will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

emotional terrorism

This is extreme, Op. You sound as dramatic as you say they are. if they are evil you should never have been in touch with them in the first place, so I doubt it. Why would a couple phones calls a year, and a couple visits of say, 2 hrs a piece, be that awful? You send a holiday card. You send a birthday card.

I'm on team OP. If you haven't experienced this sort of family on a regular basis you don't get it. You are gaslighting OP. It's like telling someone the child molester was just a little touchy and you are being dramatic. You don't know what OP has experienced. Not your place to be judgmental about the language she uses to describe it.

[Anonymous]

I am also Team OP. I am being asked currently to pick up rope my deceased spouse never picked up. I feel badly for my kids a bit but he never picked it up and his family never picked up their end. Its not my job. In my case they live far away so there are no consequences. We all make our choices OP. Don’t feel badly! Do what feels like is best for YOU!