Friendship in kindergarten

[Anonymous]

Daughter started kindergarten and seems to have a hard time making friends. She mentions names of kids in her class but also will say no one was her partner during recess.. then goes on to say it didn’t happen? She knows kids in the bus but I never see them talking or acknowledging each other. When do you worry if they are okay socially? She is normally very social and likes playing with kids.

[Anonymous]

Kids this age are notoriously inaccurate with what they recite about their days. If you’re concerned, ask the teacher(s) during conferences. They are the ones who see what’s going on and actually have the power to subtly change dynamics if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Kids don't really start making close friends until end of 2nd/3rd grade. Before then they just sort of play with whomever is into whatever they are into that day. And they don't remember any of it. Totally normal!

[Anonymous]

My daughter has yet to make any new friends in Kinder, and she started the second week of August. Luckily, there are 3 children there from her preschool who she says she hangs out with. One is in TK, another in 1st, and another in her K class. She says she plays with the one who is in her class every day and sits with him at lunch and they talk all day long. I would have felt terrible if she didn't have them. It seems harder for her to make new friends vs in Preschool. Preschool had a lot more playtime. It also worries me that she doesn't talk to girls in her class, she is very girly and loves hanging out with other girls, but I figure she will get there eventually.

[Anonymous]

You need to facilitate. Ask who she'd like to invite for a playdate, and do that. Several times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids don't really start making close friends until end of 2nd/3rd grade. Before then they just sort of play with whomever is into whatever they are into that day. And they don't remember any of it. Totally normal!

Agreed. In kindergarten we would do a lot of playdates and it definitely helped them get more familiar with other kids. But it wasn't really until age 8 that they started to seek out friendships and figure out how to maintain them. I have boys though--I think girls are sometimes better at navigating social situations (but not always!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to facilitate. Ask who she'd like to invite for a playdate, and do that. Several times.

But if they don't really care that much who they interact with, how much does this even matter?

We do playdates for our K kid but I don't get the sense that we are facilitating longterm relationships. It's more just to make sure our only child gets plenty of interactive playtime with other kids. I think if we had multiple kids we wouldn't do as much and maybe just plan things when our kid asked for it or if we got invited and she seemed interested. I don't think you need to kill yourself over your kindergartener's social life. They are still in the phase where family relationships are most important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids don't really start making close friends until end of 2nd/3rd grade. Before then they just sort of play with whomever is into whatever they are into that day. And they don't remember any of it. Totally normal!

Agreed. In kindergarten we would do a lot of playdates and it definitely helped them get more familiar with other kids. But it wasn't really until age 8 that they started to seek out friendships and figure out how to maintain them. I have boys though--I think girls are sometimes better at navigating social situations (but not always!).

They are not! I think girls have more complex relationships, even at this age, and it makes it hard specifically because they are not good at navigating them so it's a lot of confusion and hurt feelings. All the girls in my Kers class are constantly shifting "best friends" and abandoning other friends and there is a lot of drama but it's also really low stakes because they move on fast. But I wouldn't describe their socializing as "sophisticated"!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to facilitate. Ask who she'd like to invite for a playdate, and do that. Several times.

But if they don't really care that much who they interact with, how much does this even matter?

We do playdates for our K kid but I don't get the sense that we are facilitating longterm relationships. It's more just to make sure our only child gets plenty of interactive playtime with other kids. I think if we had multiple kids we wouldn't do as much and maybe just plan things when our kid asked for it or if we got invited and she seemed interested. I don't think you need to kill yourself over your kindergartener's social life. They are still in the phase where family relationships are most important.

NP. Depending on your school culture, these playdates are helping you form relationships with the other mothers that will play a huge part in who your child socializes with in a few years.

Do it or don't do it, but some places the mom friend groups really dominate the girl's elementary social life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to facilitate. Ask who she'd like to invite for a playdate, and do that. Several times.

But if they don't really care that much who they interact with, how much does this even matter?

We do playdates for our K kid but I don't get the sense that we are facilitating longterm relationships. It's more just to make sure our only child gets plenty of interactive playtime with other kids. I think if we had multiple kids we wouldn't do as much and maybe just plan things when our kid asked for it or if we got invited and she seemed interested. I don't think you need to kill yourself over your kindergartener's social life. They are still in the phase where family relationships are most important.

NP. Depending on your school culture, these playdates are helping you form relationships with the other mothers that will play a huge part in who your child socializes with in a few years.

Do it or don't do it, but some places the mom friend groups really dominate the girl's elementary social life.

Gross and no thanks. I already have friends and don’t need a weird mom clique where we unnecessarily fixate on our kids’ social lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to facilitate. Ask who she'd like to invite for a playdate, and do that. Several times.

But if they don't really care that much who they interact with, how much does this even matter?

We do playdates for our K kid but I don't get the sense that we are facilitating longterm relationships. It's more just to make sure our only child gets plenty of interactive playtime with other kids. I think if we had multiple kids we wouldn't do as much and maybe just plan things when our kid asked for it or if we got invited and she seemed interested. I don't think you need to kill yourself over your kindergartener's social life. They are still in the phase where family relationships are most important.

NP. Depending on your school culture, these playdates are helping you form relationships with the other mothers that will play a huge part in who your child socializes with in a few years.

Do it or don't do it, but some places the mom friend groups really dominate the girl's elementary social life.

Gross and no thanks. I already have friends and don’t need a weird mom clique where we unnecessarily fixate on our kids’ social lives.

That’s fine but understand your child will be left out. Those girls will get together after school and on weekends and build friendships, while your DD will not have that common experience. It depends on the neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to facilitate. Ask who she'd like to invite for a playdate, and do that. Several times.

But if they don't really care that much who they interact with, how much does this even matter?

We do playdates for our K kid but I don't get the sense that we are facilitating longterm relationships. It's more just to make sure our only child gets plenty of interactive playtime with other kids. I think if we had multiple kids we wouldn't do as much and maybe just plan things when our kid asked for it or if we got invited and she seemed interested. I don't think you need to kill yourself over your kindergartener's social life. They are still in the phase where family relationships are most important.

NP. Depending on your school culture, these playdates are helping you form relationships with the other mothers that will play a huge part in who your child socializes with in a few years.

Do it or don't do it, but some places the mom friend groups really dominate the girl's elementary social life.

Gross and no thanks. I already have friends and don’t need a weird mom clique where we unnecessarily fixate on our kids’ social lives.

NP here. I have a daughter in kindergarten. I have my own friends. I have some friends who are friends with the moms of their daughters’ friends and they hang out altogether. I would love that. So far I have not met anyone that I click with. I’m glad my daughter seems to have made a few friends in her class though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids don't really start making close friends until end of 2nd/3rd grade. Before then they just sort of play with whomever is into whatever they are into that day. And they don't remember any of it. Totally normal!

I disagree. While it's normal for kids in kindergarten to play with alot of different kids they can form stronger friendships with certain kids. My DS3 is very close with one boy in his class. He looks for him everyday and even the teacher commented that they have a genuine friendship where.they play together all day making up imaginative situations.

My DD6 is the same. She plays with alot of different kids but there are specific kids where it goes beyond that. Especially neighborhood friends that she regularly plays with every weekend.

That being said just ask the teacher. It's still early in the year and she may just be adjusting to a full day of school. By the end of the day many kids will be exhausted and not want to socialize on the bus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids don't really start making close friends until end of 2nd/3rd grade. Before then they just sort of play with whomever is into whatever they are into that day. And they don't remember any of it. Totally normal!

I disagree. While it's normal for kids in kindergarten to play with alot of different kids they can form stronger friendships with certain kids. My DS3 is very close with one boy in his class. He looks for him everyday and even the teacher commented that they have a genuine friendship where.they play together all day making up imaginative situations.

My DD6 is the same. She plays with alot of different kids but there are specific kids where it goes beyond that. Especially neighborhood friends that she regularly plays with every weekend.

That being said just ask the teacher. It's still early in the year and she may just be adjusting to a full day of school. By the end of the day many kids will be exhausted and not want to socialize on the bus.

My son definitely had a BFF in preschool.

My other son had friends in kindergarten and 1st grade for sure. Yes, the friend groups may shift as kids get older and interests change but they definitely had friends and when they were younger.

Now my boys are 11 and 13. They are still friends with the friends they made in 3rd grade. Fcps splits kids up in 3rd grade so they are in the same friend group since then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids don't really start making close friends until end of 2nd/3rd grade. Before then they just sort of play with whomever is into whatever they are into that day. And they don't remember any of it. Totally normal!

I disagree. While it's normal for kids in kindergarten to play with alot of different kids they can form stronger friendships with certain kids. My DS3 is very close with one boy in his class. He looks for him everyday and even the teacher commented that they have a genuine friendship where.they play together all day making up imaginative situations.

My DD6 is the same. She plays with alot of different kids but there are specific kids where it goes beyond that. Especially neighborhood friends that she regularly plays with every weekend.

That being said just ask the teacher. It's still early in the year and she may just be adjusting to a full day of school. By the end of the day many kids will be exhausted and not want to socialize on the bus.

+1. Not my experience with either kid. 8 year old DS has had the same best friend since he was 2. Teachers call them "the twins." He is very social and has a larger group of 7 or 8 other friends that has fluctuated a bit over the years, but the core 3 or 4 names have always been the same since kindergarten. Of course, a significant part of that may be the timing with the pandemic - he was in kindergarten when school closed in March 2020, and first grade was all virtual, and the school kept a really large cohort together from that first grade class when they went into second grade and then again now in third grade.

My kindergartener has also had the same best friend since she was 2, but unlike DS, her best friend is now at a different elementary school. And DD is shy and much more introverted; she loves to play with friends but only one or two, not a pack like DS plays with. She is struggling much like OP describes. She plays with the two or three kids she knows from preschool, none of whom she played with much when they were together in preschool. One of them is more of a "frenemy" and a lot of what she recounts is tales of conflict between them, which I find upsetting. I've pushed her to try to play with some other girls too and she mentions the names of other girls (there are 30 kids in her class and probably half are girls, so lots to choose from) but says she isn't friends with any. She says she plays alone at recess, but she enjoys that much of the time so I'm not too worried about recess. I would like to facilitate closer friendships though. Hoping maybe later in the fall to pick out a parent or two to reach out to for a playdate. Overall she doesn't seem unhappy.