Friend complains about stepsister siphoning off money from parents. How to respond or support?

[Anonymous]

My friend is 62 years old. Her parents divorced a long time ago. They are both still alive and are now in their 80s.

After the divorce my friend's father met a new woman and they live together (I presume they are legally married but I don't know for sure). The new wife/partner has an adult daughter from a previous marriage, so the daughter is my friend's father's stepdaughter.

My friend has told me that the stepdaughter has persuaded her father and his wife to sell the house they owned and lived in, and move into a property belonging to the stepdaughter and pay her rent.

Friend is very upset. She says the stepdaughter is 'siphoning money' off her father and his wife as they no longer own a house now.
My friend also says her father thinks his stepdaughter is 'the most wonderful person in the world'.
My friend sounds bitter. I don't really know what to say when she mentions it, other than that sounds hard.

[Anonymous]

Well, it sucks to be an ACOD and this is one of the reasons. It's possible this woman is taking advantage of the friend's father. It's possible she just really needs a lot of help. It's possible they get along better than the friend wants to acknowledge and actually want to live together. Who knows. But there's nothing to be done about it. All you can say is "that sounds hard".

[Anonymous]

This is OP. For clarity's sake, I think my friend's father's and his new wife do not share a property with the stepdaughter.

Stepdaughter lives elsewhere and has a second property she rents to her mother and my friend's father.

[Anonymous]

“That sounds really painful”

[Anonymous]

The short answer is, unless he's being defrauded, the dad can do whatever he likes with his money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The short answer is, unless he's being defrauded, the dad can do whatever he likes with his money.

It doesn't sound like my friend's father is being defrauded. My friend means that the stepdaughter has thought of a plan to get cash out of her father and his wife by persuading them to sell their own property and move into one of hers (and become renters).

[Anonymous]

Your friend isn't wrong about what her step-sister is doing but the fact that she cares about this at 62 years old is crazy. It isn't her money, she needs to just let it go.

And before someone bashes me, I am a ACOD, my father is remarried and I have a step-sibling and a half-sibling on my father's side. I expect to inherit exactly $0.00 from him and that is fine with me.

[Anonymous]

The friend is just upset that the stepsister conjured up this scheme before friend had a chance to get at all the $$ herself.

[Anonymous]

I am sure that there are a lot of people who have experienced the pain of seeing their parents defrauded. This is a different situation, but it might be nice for your friend to speak to people who have been in a similar situation.

I get that there is the extra pain of it being a step-sibling doing it, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend isn't wrong about what her step-sister is doing but the fact that she cares about this at 62 years old is crazy. It isn't her money, she needs to just let it go.

And before someone bashes me, I am a ACOD, my father is remarried and I have a step-sibling and a half-sibling on my father's side. I expect to inherit exactly $0.00 from him and that is fine with me.

To be fair, it's a new situation. It's not like she is upset that the stepsister got her college paid for and she didn't.

But yeah I agree, I mean, as long as she isn't going to be on the hook for financially supporting her father, this isn't really her battle. I'm sure it's painful and she needs support but she needs some perspective.

(And I'm also an ACOD)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend isn't wrong about what her step-sister is doing but the fact that she cares about this at 62 years old is crazy. It isn't her money, she needs to just let it go.

And before someone bashes me, I am a ACOD, my father is remarried and I have a step-sibling and a half-sibling on my father's side. I expect to inherit exactly $0.00 from him and that is fine with me.

To be fair, it's a new situation. It's not like she is upset that the stepsister got her college paid for and she didn't.

But yeah I agree, I mean, as long as she isn't going to be on the hook for financially supporting her father, this isn't really her battle. I'm sure it's painful and she needs support but she needs some perspective.

(And I'm also an ACOD)

I am an ACOD, and really, it's not about inheritance. I expect nothing, but I don't want to have to bail them out of exploitation or poor choices either. I worry for my parents' security and vulnerability to fraud and abuse, especially when they're single and looking for companionship or trying to keep a relationship intact when it's difficult. You have to be on your guard against that sort of thing because divorced parents will want new relationships and they're more and more vulnerable as they age. Yes, married people are victims of elder abuse too, but at least there's only one set of financial matters to monitor, and they're much less likely to have new dating and step-relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend isn't wrong about what her step-sister is doing but the fact that she cares about this at 62 years old is crazy. It isn't her money, she needs to just let it go.

And before someone bashes me, I am a ACOD, my father is remarried and I have a step-sibling and a half-sibling on my father's side. I expect to inherit exactly $0.00 from him and that is fine with me.

To be fair, it's a new situation. It's not like she is upset that the stepsister got her college paid for and she didn't.

But yeah I agree, I mean, as long as she isn't going to be on the hook for financially supporting her father, this isn't really her battle. I'm sure it's painful and she needs support but she needs some perspective.

(And I'm also an ACOD)

The more money that goes out the door to the stepsister, the more likely she *is* going to be on the hook for it-- and maybe for supporting the stepmother too. And the stepsister doesn't seem to be able to support herself, so what's she gonna do when the cash runs out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend isn't wrong about what her step-sister is doing but the fact that she cares about this at 62 years old is crazy. It isn't her money, she needs to just let it go.

And before someone bashes me, I am a ACOD, my father is remarried and I have a step-sibling and a half-sibling on my father's side. I expect to inherit exactly $0.00 from him and that is fine with me.

To be fair, it's a new situation. It's not like she is upset that the stepsister got her college paid for and she didn't.

But yeah I agree, I mean, as long as she isn't going to be on the hook for financially supporting her father, this isn't really her battle. I'm sure it's painful and she needs support but she needs some perspective.

(And I'm also an ACOD)

The more money that goes out the door to the stepsister, the more likely she *is* going to be on the hook for it-- and maybe for supporting the stepmother too. And the stepsister doesn't seem to be able to support herself, so what's she gonna do when the cash runs out?

You are all making a ton of assumptions here. I can conjure a different set of assumptions that paints the stepsister as altruistically helping the parents and caring for them while OP's friend lives distantly and isn't helping at all. Whatever, who knows. OP is the one asking the question and she isn't even related to these people. Obviously all she can do is offer a listening ear for her friend. The friend can't control anything, so certainly OP cannot. And yeah, not that it matters, but I am also speaking as an ACOD.

[Anonymous]

Ask her why she is complaining to you? Does she want advice? My advice would be for her to talk to her father. He is the one that can change the situation.

[Anonymous]

How to respond? With sympathy and commiseration.

As for the actual situation, it may not be only to siphon off money from them. Home ownership is expensive and requires constant and regular maintenance. I know so many people whose parents passed and they go to the home and find the home in such disrepair that it is very difficult to sell the home. Either the heirs have to put a lot of money into cleaning, restoring and updating the home to sell, or they have to sell "as is" for a significant decrease in the house price and value. Getting them out of the house may allow them to sell the house while it is in better condition. Having them rent one of her rentals that she can take care of as the landlord may actually be better for them rather than to live in a decaying house that is not being cared for. Yes, it transfers money to her as the landlord, but it may be a much better situation for them. I know when my MIL moved to a condo in a retirement community where many of the maintenance tasks were taken care of by the staff, it was a good thing for her. Not having to take care of a house and not having the house decaying under her from lack of care, were all good things for her later years.