Everyone is dying

[Anonymous]

Mom has dozens of siblings and cousins in late 70's. It seems someone or their spouse is always sick or dying. Its taking a huge toll on her mental health. Is there a way to protect her from constant trauma?

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure what you mean. How can you protect her from other people dying?

You can certainly encourage her to get her affairs in order, the make choices about her own end of life care, and to work on accepting that life doesn't last forever for anyone.

It's a hard season in life, I'm sure. Is she open to therapy or pharmaceuticals?

[Anonymous]

Is your mom in any group or organization that has a mixed age group? In my family this has always been the Women's Group at church. The group is made up of women that range in age from 30-90. Having the mix of age means that my grandmother (and now my mother) have friends that are not all in the same stage of life. So, while the older members are passing away my mom also has friends that are having babies, dealing with kids in school, planning weddings and becoming grandparents. I think this has really helped her handle the many friends and family that are sick and dying.

[Anonymous]

Yes, that happened to my MIL: for a few years, all her friends and relatives were dying. She felt extremely alone and cried in front of me. It was very hard for her. Now she's the oldest - there's no one left of her generation of Vietnamese refugees, who lived the same experiences she lived. Luckily, she's surrounded by her children and grand-children.

[Anonymous]

That sounds like my MIL also and I agree that being among different generations helps, and having a good church support group. Am worried though about her sleeplessness which has been a decades-old problem.

[Anonymous]

She is pretty much home bound here as she can't drive or speak english. Immigrated with dad later in life, unfortunately dad passed away soon after moving here. She lives nextdoors to my sibling. They take really good care of her but have limited time with two demanding jobs and young kids. Kids go to school and aftercare so mom is aline all day. Her main source of socializing on weekdays is to talk to her extended family on phone. Every conversation is about illness and death of a sibling,cousin or old friend.

[Anonymous]

Does she have dementia? If so, there is no need to tell her about deaths. We were told to do therapeutic lies., "Oh yes, your sister is doing wonderfully. She sends her best." "Your brother wishes he could be here, but he is on a trip with the grandkids."

If she is still cognitively here, but very anxious and struggling, is she receptive to getting help? What languafe does she speak? Grief groups can be useful and therapy, sometimes meds. Also, doing more outings and social activities through a church or cultural group for distraction help. If she is resistant, let doctors know your concerns. Sometimes the doctor can convince them to start meds which makes them get some relief and be more amendable to doing things to promote good coping skills.

Have you looked into residential care situations where there are lots of residents who speak her language? She needs to have more of a life than just family. Some people gasp at that, but it's true.

If she refuses everything and is cognitively capable then you just have to accept you cannot make her better and all you can do is keep in touch, visit and try to make those moments pleasant.

[Anonymous]

I know. My friend in a nursing home kept losing her friends to death.

Getting old seems awful. Please be kind and patient if you love anyone in that phase of life. Don''t judge them. It is all about loss. The cheery ones are the miracles to me.

Share your happy news, kid's accomplishments, school plays, etc.

They did so much for us, and we need to support them now. You would want nothing less in your old age.

[Anonymous]

!/3 of people don't make it to 70

She'll need to get use to it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:!/3 of people don't make it to 70

She'll need to get use to it

I think not being able to meet them is tough but doctors are against a long travel due to her health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know. My friend in a nursing home kept losing her friends to death.

Getting old seems awful. Please be kind and patient if you love anyone in that phase of life. Don''t judge them. It is all about loss. The cheery ones are the miracles to me.

Share your happy news, kid's accomplishments, school plays, etc.

They did so much for us, and we need to support them now. You would want nothing less in your old age.

Indeed100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she have dementia? If so, there is no need to tell her about deaths. We were told to do therapeutic lies., "Oh yes, your sister is doing wonderfully. She sends her best." "Your brother wishes he could be here, but he is on a trip with the grandkids."

If she is still cognitively here, but very anxious and struggling, is she receptive to getting help? What languafe does she speak? Grief groups can be useful and therapy, sometimes meds. Also, doing more outings and social activities through a church or cultural group for distraction help. If she is resistant, let doctors know your concerns. Sometimes the doctor can convince them to start meds which makes them get some relief and be more amendable to doing things to promote good coping skills.

Have you looked into residential care situations where there are lots of residents who speak her language? She needs to have more of a life than just family. Some people gasp at that, but it's true.

If she refuses everything and is cognitively capable then you just have to accept you cannot make her better and all you can do is keep in touch, visit and try to make those moments pleasant.

Unfortunately there aren't any care units with people of her language and culture. They hired a part time companion who spoke her language but she found a full time job. Mom us mentally fit but has anxiety issues.

[Anonymous]

Acceptance.
Accept that death in inevitable.
So, celebrate what you do have and know that time is limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have dementia? If so, there is no need to tell her about deaths. We were told to do therapeutic lies., "Oh yes, your sister is doing wonderfully. She sends her best." "Your brother wishes he could be here, but he is on a trip with the grandkids."

If she is still cognitively here, but very anxious and struggling, is she receptive to getting help? What languafe does she speak? Grief groups can be useful and therapy, sometimes meds. Also, doing more outings and social activities through a church or cultural group for distraction help. If she is resistant, let doctors know your concerns. Sometimes the doctor can convince them to start meds which makes them get some relief and be more amendable to doing things to promote good coping skills.

Have you looked into residential care situations where there are lots of residents who speak her language? She needs to have more of a life than just family. Some people gasp at that, but it's true.

If she refuses everything and is cognitively capable then you just have to accept you cannot make her better and all you can do is keep in touch, visit and try to make those moments pleasant.

Unfortunately there aren't any care units with people of her language and culture. They hired a part time companion who spoke her language but she found a full time job. Mom us mentally fit but has anxiety issues.

Does she have a doctor who speaks her language or do you translate? Sometimes when a doctor brings up anxiety meds and frames it right she/he can convince parent to try it.

[Anonymous]

Keep looking. We finally moved my MIL yo a nursing home in Rhodesia Island and she has 4 friends that speak Mandarin. It matters- you need friends at every stage of life. Call around and ask. What language maybe someone will know of you share.