Dealing with grief over deteriorating health of elderly grandparents.

[Anonymous]

I’m not quite sure how to phrase this. I have lost two grandparents, ten years ago when I was in my twenties. I have been very fortunate to have my other set of grandparents in good health who are now in their early and mid nineties. My grandfathers health has been deteriorating. I know none of this is tragic, but I’m not quite sure how to handle the grief.

For those who are going through this and have been through this- are there coping strategies you can share? Things you did that I will be happy to have done while they are still with us, or after? Just looking for any thoughts I guess. Although I have been through this I was younger and didn’t handle my grief well last time. And of course it’s one of those things where the only way is through.

[Anonymous]

Are your parents living? Think of them (it always helps to be thinking of the welfare of someone else ... gets our mind on other things, not on ourselves)

Your Mother or Dad lost their parent all those years ago. Maybe ask them how they coped, are coping. When my Mother died I remember thinking that I had not really been there for her -- when her Mother had died. I was a teen, but still

Hope, those who are living and will continue to live ... how do they want to experience this time? Again, focus on others. More healthy for you, emotionally, to have some focus on others.

[Anonymous]

I was not close to my grandparents, but I will be devastated when my parents pass(or lose themselves in cognitive decline, which might happen before that), because we are very close.

I'm sorry, OP. I don't have any tips. I think you just take it day by day.

[Anonymous]

Visit them as often as you can, ask them questions about their childhood and young adulthood. I did that with my grandparents but my mother died unexpectedly and I didn’t and I really regret it. Make him his favorite food or watch his favorite old movies with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Visit them as often as you can, ask them questions about their childhood and young adulthood. I did that with my grandparents but my mother died unexpectedly and I didn’t and I really regret it. Make him his favorite food or watch his favorite old movies with him.

There are some books you can get where you ask them about their lives. I did some pages with my father and found out all about his military service.

[Anonymous]

Well, you could think about the regrets you have from how you handled it before and intentionally plan to not have those same regrets this time.

When I've known loss was coming I have intentionally set out to spend as much time as possible w/ the person, to spend that time laughing/reminiscing/talking/doing things we enjoy together, etc... I've also used it to talk to them about what they want to happen when they die, how they are feeling about impending death, what they wish to happen for those they love after they die, etc.

That may sound macabre, but I sat at my best friend's funeral, crying buckets but also taking great comfort in seeing things he wanted for the service actually happen. I take comfort in knowing how much I prioritized time with him.

When my mother died last year, we had very little good time at the end but I had one calm afternoon where we just chatted for an hour. I asked her questions about choices she made in her twenties (and learned things I didn't know!), we looked at her wedding album, we watched a favorite show together. Pretty tame stuff, but it was calm and relaxed. I knew it was one of the last decent windows I was likely to have w/ her. Now I'm glad I was aware enough of that, that I asked some random questions, that it was a happy hour for her. There are a million things I wished I had asked of course, but there will always be those things.

Just take advantage of the time you have. They cannot live forever, but they can know they are loved while they are here and you can take comfort in those things later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not quite sure how to phrase this. I have lost two grandparents, ten years ago when I was in my twenties. I have been very fortunate to have my other set of grandparents in good health who are now in their early and mid nineties. My grandfathers health has been deteriorating. I know none of this is tragic, but I’m not quite sure how to handle the grief.

For those who are going through this and have been through this- are there coping strategies you can share? Things you did that I will be happy to have done while they are still with us, or after? Just looking for any thoughts I guess. Although I have been through this I was younger and didn’t handle my grief well last time. And of course it’s one of those things where the only way is through.

Use your grief as empathy for how they feel themselves. Grief of aging, deteriorating, suffering and dying is a lot more to handle. Focus on making this time easier for them. You'll find comfort in that.

[Anonymous]

Hospice has some good groups and classes to assist with the grieving process. They helped my partner when his mom died.

[Anonymous]

Try getting a book like "Memories for my grandchild" (Suzanne Zenkel) and sit with them and go through the questions and write down the answers. I did this with my father and found out all kinds of things about his teens and 20s. I ended up using it to write his eulogy.

Also sit with them and get all the names of people in old photos - their wedding party, their friends, their cousins. Maybe work with them on a "this is your life" scrapbook.