If you are several years out from successful DE

[Anonymous]

what are your feelings about your kid? One OE and one DE for me. My DE kid is great. Between my two kids he is better behaved and more successful academically. Couldn't love him more. Lots of traits from his dad (whom of course he could favor even if he were OE). I pat myself on the back for a good job choosing the donor and influencing his interests but there's still a twinge of sadness when I remember that he doesn't get his physical traits from me. There's a sense of wonder when I look in my OE kid's face when I see my siblings' faces in his. How about you? I'm pretty sure few of us have regrets--I don't. What about the more nuanced feelings?

[Anonymous]

I have three DE kids, the oldest of which is 10. It might be different for me because I don’t have any OE kids. Our kids are the best things that ever happened to us. The oldest actually has a different donor than my two younger ones. I am glad they don’t have some of my genetic traits, such as my extreme shortness. They are each a bit like my husband, but they are also a little like me since they have picked up my tendencies over time. But, mostly they are like themselves and are really unique individuals.

[Anonymous]

I am a lurker here so please ignore if this question is rude or insensitive. Do you tell your DE kids about their genetic background? Are the donors generally anonymous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a lurker here so please ignore if this question is rude or insensitive. Do you tell your DE kids about their genetic background? Are the donors generally anonymous?

We will tell our child in due course. She’s only 3 now. It is part of who she is. We don’t believe in keeping it secret and anyways in these days of DNA registries it’s next to impossible. Our donor was anonymous but indicated that she was open to contact after the child turns 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a lurker here so please ignore if this question is rude or insensitive. Do you tell your DE kids about their genetic background? Are the donors generally anonymous?

I’m the PP with three DE kids. They all know and we have been talking about it casually since they were little so it has never been a big deal. I personally think this is the best way. Kids usually react badly when it is revealed later and was kept a secret. Because it was never a secret for my kids, it’s just one more thing about them that they use to build their own identity.

Our donors were anonymous but I fully expect them to do a genetic test when they are adults and they will probably be able to identify the donor. My bigger worry with that is for the donor because she had an expectation of anonymity. I do not necessarily think my guys would contact the donor and I am fairly certain they won’t do it without talking to us first so we can counsel them.

[Anonymous]

I have DE fraternal twins who are now 13. We have not been very good about telling them about DE and their story on a regular basis. We have discussed it every few years and then life gets in the way but we are overdue for another “talk” and at their age now I’m very concerned that they are going to start to resent me and look at me differently.

They both have many of my husbands traits - good and bad. But one weird thing is that one of them has the same rare genetic condition that I have that I could easily have passed on to an OE kid - of which I have none. They obviously got it from the donor, but it just seems so coincidental.

[Anonymous]

To me this is a weird question in a way. I never think of my DE kids as different or think about them not being the same as my own egg kids would have been. Only very rarely have I ever thought of it that way and then only a touch of sadness that I have to tell them about it. That’s the downside, having them potentially angry or resentful over it. Don’t really want to deal with them reaching out to the donor. That part I’m not crazy about.

[Anonymous]

My fraternal twins from DE are 11. I rarely think about the DE aspect at all any more. Sometimes my daughter will bring it up, as she is fascinated by knowing that she has genetic half-siblings out there and frustrated that she has to wait until she's 18 to find out more. (The donor was open to being contacted.) It startles me sometimes when she brings it up but it's always good to have the next level conversation with them. (What might it feel like to meet a genetic half-sibling, versus your full sibling, what might it feel like to meet the donor? What makes a mother? Easy stuff like that!! Oy.)

Those discussions can be hard for me but I never let them see that. I want them only to hear about how thrilled we were that they were possible, how grateful we are to the donor, etc... It's really important to me that they hear and know nothing of my sadness or shame - at least not for another 10+ years.

Anyway, I love my children dearly. They have been spared some stuff in not having my family's genetics. I will always be a little sad that we needed to use DE. I can't imagine them not existing so wishing away the DE would mean wishing them away. They have TONS of my mannerisms and beliefs. I can see them a little more clearly as individuals because I'm less prone to assuming they're "just like me". And so on...

It remains a complex subject, but in the context of all that's involved in building a family the DE piece is less and less important over time.

That said, I started telling them and talking about it VERY early on, long before they could understand, so that I got used to talking about it comfortably. It wasn't easy in the beginning. It's much easier now, and I'm very very glad I made myself do it that way. If it were hanging over my head as a secret now I'd really be tormented.

There's no end to the more nuanced emotions!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a lurker here so please ignore if this question is rude or insensitive. Do you tell your DE kids about their genetic background? Are the donors generally anonymous?

OP here. The advice you get when going through counseling prior to embryo transfer is to talk about from the time they are young so that they always no and there is never an a-ha moment. A friend recently found out inadvertently that her bio father is not and that has rocked her world. Her parents used a sperm donor and she has connected with other half-siblings. SHe is resentful she was never told.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have DE fraternal twins who are now 13. We have not been very good about telling them about DE and their story on a regular basis. We have discussed it every few years and then life gets in the way but we are overdue for another “talk” and at their age now I’m very concerned that they are going to start to resent me and look at me differently.

They both have many of my husbands traits - good and bad. But one weird thing is that one of them has the same rare genetic condition that I have that I could easily have passed on to an OE kid - of which I have none. They obviously got it from the donor, but it just seems so coincidental.

Epigenetics?

[Anonymous]

I’m just reading this post out if interest. My 10 yr old DD (who I eventually conceived with clomid) has a best friend born via surrogate. She has always known that aspect of her story and has baby pictures with her surrogate. They have a friend whose younger sibling is DE I believe (the mother was trying DE route) but, once the mom was pregnant, it wasn’t anything she discussed anymore. I suspect they have relatives who wouldn’t approve but I do wonder when / whether they plan to tell their daughter. It seems like it would be hard to hide given DNA tests these days.