Helping DD deal with a bad teammate

[Anonymous]

DD is 2 weeks into HS and is, for the first time, facing a bad teammate/mean girl situation and I am at complete loss what advice to give her. DD has played competitive/travel sports since age 8 and has never had any sort of teammate conflict. She has previously played on two different teams with this girl, and while they weren't really friendly, there was no actual conflict. They are now likely to be on at least 2 teams a year together for the next couple of years and I want to see if I can help DD head this off before it robs DD of her enjoyment of the sports she loves.

It's manifesting itself in snide remarks/chirping DD in front of the team. Teammate is a loud alpha/ringleader/drama queen type who has a bunch of "followers" who are mostly good kids, but are 15, so they go along with her act. DD is a head-down, quiet, grinder-type who tries to be a leader more by example. I suspect it will only get worse this winter when they get into basketball which is DD's first love and teammate's primary sport (neither are good enough yet to make varsity).

Just to be clear, I am convinced this is not a "he said/she said" situation. I know teammate (I have coached her previously) and she just isn't a particularly good kid/teammate -- selfish, not very coachable, pouts when things don't go her way, quits on plays, blames teammates, etc. Not sure why teammate has turned on DD (if I had to guess, it would be an occasion where DD received league recognition and teammate didn't) other than that DD is an easy target b/c she is somewhat shy.

This could probably be cross-posted in the parenting forum, but it really is a sports-specific issue I'm trying to solve for.

[Anonymous]

A well-placed "What the hell, Angela? Cut it out." goes far.

She shouldn't say "What the hell is your problem?" because then the girl will say "You. So leave."

[Anonymous]

What kind of snide remark? Commenting on your DD's ability or pouncing on her mistakes? Is your DD a better player? Maybe the mean girl is jealous?

[Anonymous]

One of my kids had this issue except it lasted years, from elementary school into middle school. The bully was better than my DS at the sport. They both made it onto the middle school team but the bully was a starter and my DS sat on the bench. That didn't help. Also his father played a role on the team which doubly sucked.

Then they both made it onto an elite team and suddenly my DS started getting treated differently. Maybe the other kid matured, maybe he started respecting my DS for his skill level, I don't know.

It was extremely hard for me to stay out of it. I could be wrong, but I would let it play out, maybe mention it privately to the coach if it gets bad. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

DD dealt with this. She was younger so we brought it to the coaches attention. However, it started up a year later and DD cut this girl out. The girls used to carpool and have sleepovers but we ended all that. My daughter basically took her power away. The girl went after other girls and together they managed to shut her down again. Girl is now trying to pick on other younger girls but the team knows how she is so they are banding together to stop her.

[Anonymous]

A different approach.

1. Don’t care.
2. Use it has personal motivation.

Have a talk with her. Now is the time to step up her effort. Really. Kids coast along at 80% and think they are working hard. Tell her that for the next 2 weeks - everything that she does should be done with 100% effort. Very very quickly she will stand out to the coaches. And to her teammates. 100 percent every drill, every scrimmage, every moment.

What will happen is that she will surprise her teammates and standout. The coach will notice her effort. And, her teammates will start to improve their effort to avoid being left behind.

Practice with intensity let’s you play with intensity. And, she will see the difference in just a couple of weeks in her own ability. Once practice or the game is done - then switch it off. Don’t be mean. Do be focused. 100 percent all the time. Full speed all the time.

[Anonymous]

I would encourage her to speak with the coach, not tattling, but "I want to build my leadership skills so I know I have to figure out how to work with this person. Would you give me advice?"

[Anonymous]

As they get to high school and things get more competitive the kids themselves don't put up with someone who does things like quit on plays or blames teammates. That kind of thing does not get you "followers" or make you an alpha, unless the kid is actually really really good.

Your daughter really only has one option - play hard, practice hard, don't let anyone get under her skin.

[Anonymous]

Mommy steps down in high school drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mommy steps down in high school drama

GMAFB. Clearly her DD is coming to her for advice.

[Anonymous]

I am a former bball coach - boys MS and ES and also private training for girls and boys - HS and MS. If the prior suggestions don’t work, consider whether a hard foul or 2 on the bully might teach her a lesson. I don’t believe in fighting but I also don’t believe in having a poor kid being victimized by a jerk.

[Anonymous]

My DD dealt with this at a bit younger age (approx 11-13). What bothered her most was when the mean girl on her team went after her teammates who were less talented (DD and this girl were among the best players). She finally had enough and went to the coach herself - on her own initiative. The coach listened and handled it, and the behavior improved considerably. No parents got involved to my knowledge. Encourage your kid to speak up for herself - away from the rest of the team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 2 weeks into HS and is, for the first time, facing a bad teammate/mean girl situation and I am at complete loss what advice to give her. DD has played competitive/travel sports since age 8 and has never had any sort of teammate conflict. She has previously played on two different teams with this girl, and while they weren't really friendly, there was no actual conflict. They are now likely to be on at least 2 teams a year together for the next couple of years and I want to see if I can help DD head this off before it robs DD of her enjoyment of the sports she loves.

It's manifesting itself in snide remarks/chirping DD in front of the team. Teammate is a loud alpha/ringleader/drama queen type who has a bunch of "followers" who are mostly good kids, but are 15, so they go along with her act. DD is a head-down, quiet, grinder-type who tries to be a leader more by example. I suspect it will only get worse this winter when they get into basketball which is DD's first love and teammate's primary sport (neither are good enough yet to make varsity).

Just to be clear, I am convinced this is not a "he said/she said" situation. I know teammate (I have coached her previously) and she just isn't a particularly good kid/teammate -- selfish, not very coachable, pouts when things don't go her way, quits on plays, blames teammates, etc. Not sure why teammate has turned on DD (if I had to guess, it would be an occasion where DD received league recognition and teammate didn't) other than that DD is an easy target b/c she is somewhat shy.

This could probably be cross-posted in the parenting forum, but it really is a sports-specific issue I'm trying to solve for.

How can this be the first time you have run into this if your kid is on a travel team? The best thing for your DD is to give as good as she gets. She will have to go after the girl every opportunity she gets. These type of girls hate that.