Do girls with ADHD benefit from being the oldest in their class?

[Anonymous]

I have an almost 9 year old daughter with diagnoses of ADHD inattentive and anxiety. She has a late August birthday and is the youngest in her class. Her teacher says she is well-liked at school and has friends. These friendships are not as close as what I experienced at that age, but I don't know how much covid (and changing schools early in the pandemic) has to do with that or if she is socially immature and actually not very well-liked.

We are relocating next school year, so I am considering holding her back a year. I think I could pitch it to her as necessary due to pandemic learning loss rather than the real reason, which is that I'm concerned she's going to have social difficulties as she gets older. Thus far she has done well at a very low pressure school (there's no homework or grades). The neuropsych found her at or several years ahead of grade level in math skills, and several to many years ahead of grade level in verbal skills, so I do have some concerns holding her back may cause her to be bored. On the other hand, I know the academic demands will increase and her challenges with executive functioning may mean her intelligence is no longer enough to ensure academic success.

Do anyone have any thoughts/experience with this? I'm particularly interested in parents of girls as the social relationships in adolescence are so much more important and complex than they are for boys.

[Anonymous]

Of course they do

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, I only have experience with a DS, who was nearly the oldest with an October birthday. It did not help one bit to be one of the oldest in class regarding ADHD related issues or social issues. That is to say, it took years of interventions and meds to sort everything out. In hindsight, for academic reasons, I am glad that we did not hold him back for social and other impulse reasons (as was suggested by at least one person). My son too was years ahead in math; he definitely needed the academic challenge as he found elementary school super boring.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but not necessarily due to ADHD (inattentive). She's also tiny and has several learning disabilities. As the oldest in her class she was able to blend in more (she was likely perceived to be one of the youngest). I can't imagine what it would have been like if she was actually the youngest!

[Anonymous]

When we asked our child (girl) with ADHD about holding her back she freaked. Make sure they are on board with this holding back decision. She had a good reason: school is not really her ‘thing’ and she didn’t want to prolong it.

[Anonymous]

No, I would not hold her back if there are no academic issues. Maybe if she was much younger, but 10 is too old for that. I also think the gaslighting about her academic status is really ... not good. I feel like you're maybe projecting your own anxieties onto her and want to "do something." At 10 kids really start to develop a self-concept, and the self-concept you'd be teaching her is that she is "behind."

Plus I'm curious why you don't believe the teacher, who TOLD you she is well-liked and has friends? Believe me, when kids are not well-liked, you find out about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we asked our child (girl) with ADHD about holding her back she freaked. Make sure they are on board with this holding back decision. She had a good reason: school is not really her ‘thing’ and she didn’t want to prolong it.

+1 At this age, it should be a joint decision. My nephew recently repeated 10th grade when moving to a new school system because his first try was an awful experience with covid online school. He was totally on board with it and had a great re-do year. My sister had concerns about him for a while (he has anxiety) and suggested a grade repeat earlier but he was adamantly against it at that time.

That said, my DD has inattentive ADHD and I think definitely benefitted from being old-for-grade with an Oct. birthday. For one thing, she was a late reader, didn't really click until 7 yrs old, which fortunately was early 1st grade. If she hadn't gotten the hang of reading until 2nd grade we'd all have been a lot more worried. Good experience socially and has had the same two BFFs since 2nd grade. We actually didn't get the ADHD diagnosis until HS when the academic demands outpaced her ability to cope.

[Anonymous]

She'll be bored to death and with the ADHD, will get very distracted, if you have her repeat a grade, OP.

We are an ADHD family: every member has or had a rather large difference in academic vs socio-emotional development as a child. We tried holding our son back a year, but he was so miserable that he then skipped a grade. Addressing the ADHD was a better solution.

No one is on a linear track, developmentally. Some people are further ahead in some skills compared to others, and that's fine.

[Anonymous]

Echoing what everyone else has said- being bored is a problem. We did not hold back but just because of her birthday my DD is one of the oldest. She’s bright too and very bored especially during certain subjects and that is when behavioral issues pop up. She also does a lot of comparing and knows a couple of girls are like 19 months younger than her and feels terrible when they are better behaved than her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Echoing what everyone else has said- being bored is a problem. We did not hold back but just because of her birthday my DD is one of the oldest. She’s bright too and very bored especially during certain subjects and that is when behavioral issues pop up. She also does a lot of comparing and knows a couple of girls are like 19 months younger than her and feels terrible when they are better behaved than her.

Ha like 10 months younger

[Anonymous]

whats beneficial for your kid is not about the other kids. put your child where they will succeed

[Anonymous]

Please do not hold a child back if they are academically advanced. As others have said, the boredom will likely make the ADHD symptoms worse.

[Anonymous]

My inattentive ADHD teen has a birthday the day after the cutoff so basically the oldest. Being older hasn't seemed to make a difference.

[Anonymous]

My ADHD DD is one of the oldest in her grade and usually only has a couple close friends no matter what class she's in. I wouldn't hold them back.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I should have mentioned that my daughter currently attends a Montessori school where she can do her academic work at her own pace, and when moving I would look for another Montessori school or school with a similar approach to kids going as fast or as slowly as they need to. I am well aware that she would be miserable if she weren't academically challenged. The concept of grades doesn't really exist in Montessoris and every class has a huge range of abilities, but with a good teacher, it functions very well. By high school (there aren't many Montessori high schools) I would anticipate she would be in a challenging track at a good public high school, or at a good private school. How many bright kids get bored in either of those? It doesn't seem like it's a big problem at that age.

The neuropsych seemed to think her concept of friendship was really immature for her age, and acted like the fact that she's never really had a "best friend" or huge numbers of playdates was hugely problematic. (I've also never been one to arrange lots of playdates. ) She considered a HFA diagnosis but deferred it because the pandemic has made socializing so strange. So that's mainly why I'm worried about her social skills.